Onii Chan
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I'm writing this because i feel like i have no one to talk to, i cant say i have the privilege of having ''real'' friends in real life really or family who cares to even attempt to understand me as a person. Nor do i know anyone here that well to express all of this to so i figured i'd just type it all out in a rage here so everyone can see it, i don't care who sees it, matter of fact i'm not typing this for that purpose at all. I'm typing this so i can break a small piece of that wall i've built up around my heart for so many years, i could care less if anyone cares about this or not matter of fact, i'm doing this for me alone. You can of course reply to this but know this isn't what this is for, its to make myself feel better by talking about it in some way or form. Anyways, ever since i grew up i felt i've been abused i guess, verbally and mentally is how i suppose i could put it. Being threatened with death ever since i was 5 years old by my parents, being thrown to the floor and held down, being told i was nothing in this world and that i'm trash. I've always been told that it was all my fault that this is happening, that because of the abuse its my fault for being somehow crazy when the majority of the time i really never speak or do anything to deserve it. Even one of my girlfriends who've i dated for i'd say 5 years manipulated me in such a way where i'd always go back to her even when i clearly knew she was cheating on me the entire time. She'd even purposely make a complete scene in school back in the day just to i suppose make fun of me by breaking the items i gifted her on occasion in public. The problem is though is that i somehow feel like i should still go back, but i know its the wrong decision. This relationship alone destroyed every other ones i had after, all these years the girlfriends i've had only lasted a max of a year with massive struggles and fights that just end up with drama. Ideally all the friends i once had have moved on from me, either moving away to a new state before i got to know them better or just straight up leaving me or stopped talking to me after graduation. Even my step-siblings don't really care about me, they'd rather ignore me for several months or weeks by just sitting on the couch when my room is literally a few steps from that. And i don't consider myself a bad person to that degree at all, i talk relatively averagely, i got several video game equipment because i'm very into that kinda stuff, i've been in ESL tournaments so i could sit there and talk about that stuff all day and have a great conversation. I just dont understand, perhaps it is me if that many people just refuse to talk to me like a normal human being. Its honestly hard going through life, i consider suicide at least 10 times a day, at least 3 when i wake up and a few times when i fall asleep where i literally never dream unless i abuse alcohol. I've attempted suicide many times, all of which just makes my feelings worse, the only happiness i feel in life is when i cry which makes me feel good because then it makes me feel like i'm letting my emotions out that i tend to just keep very deep inside. No one really wants to get to know me.. as me, they just want to say hey and bye like i'm a stranger on the streets although i see them all the time. I'm very self-conscious about myself as well, i tend to think i'm fat although i'm relatively skinny and a little muscular, i tend to fidget with either my glasses or hair or ears or anything of the sort in a attempt to i suppose make myself look better or perfect in my eyes. I have no clue who i'm trying to impress, i don't actively look for people to hang out with anymore because i've just given up on myself entirely, i've even rejected many women in this time of just giving up which i regret completely now in hindsight. I just think perhaps suicide could be the answer, perhaps i'm looking for some sort of relief from all of this and perhaps thats the answer. I understand life is hard and you just have to move on but a simple ''moving on is hard'' isn't whats the deal here, i'm still experiencing these hells, every time i close my eyes or day dream, every silence that comes i'm reliving the hurt, even the ones that i just dont wanna talk about. I wonder everyday if there is a life outside of all of this, if there is a place or person or something that just doesn't have all of these hellish situations, where a complete relaxation happens.
