The Mockingjay
Active member
Right people, I'm putting it out there. I'm not a writer and never will be. But I've always wanted to write a novel, one of my life ambitions is to complete one whether good or not so good xD
Below is the draft prologue of this so called novel. I want you to be brutally honest with me and critique it as much as you like, any suggestions/ feedback is greatly appreciated.
-Prologue-
Moving against its natural flow the wind crashes against my frame as I run clumsily through the trees, desperately trying to escape the distant cries of terror than linger in the air behind me. I was sure that they'd be after me soon enough and forced myself not to look back, my path remained straight and direct whilst I struggle to hold back the tears that I can feel building up in huge volume behind my eyes. Eventually my legs stop moving as I collapse forward onto my hands and knees, my face just inches from a huge rock face that towers over me. As I stare up at the cliff face my hands begin to tremble at the mere thought of having to scale such a tremendous natural structure. Unfortunately my extremely brief period of self-concern is interrupted by the sudden realisation that the noises that once trailed far behind were closing in on my position and that anything that happened to me on this rock face would pale in comparison to what I might go through should the torment from the day catch up to me. Fighting through the nervousness and the fear I bring myself to my feet and begin to scale the wall, as I climb my fear is channelled into masses of adrenaline and I find myself climbing at levels and speeds beyond what I ever would have deemed possible from such a petite girl. Not too far above my head I notice a small overhanging ledge, climbing a bit higher I clench my jaw and release myself from the wall, sending myself leaping upwards in a desperate attempt to grasp the ledge, my right hand hits the firm rock and I cling on desperately as I attach my flailing left arm to the ledge and pull myself to safety.
As I rise up over the ledge and help myself to my feet I am faced with an opening in the huge rock face, looking inside I see nothing but darkness although somehow I know that the opening leads to a narrow passage that leads deep down into the core of the mountain. Turning my torso back I look down the cliff and take a deep breath before placing a palm on the jagged rock and squeezing myself through the gap. Beyond the hole in the rock face I find myself locked inside a new world, the sudden dramatic change in light has my eyes in a frenzy as they sting my brain as they panic and try to adjust, the attempts from my eyes are however, futile. The dark path just barely wide enough for me to walk forwards and not feel claustrophobic or graze my elbows along the walls as I go, luckily for me, claustrophobia isn't really high in my list of worries right now. A few paces in and I'm completely submerged under a sheet of deep black shadows, the minuscule amount of light that crept into the tunnel from the world behind me has now dissipated completely, as well as this the ground changes, the hard rock becomes softer and begins to squelch beneath the weight of my boots, a trickling stream of water can be heard nearby although it is impossible to see where it comes from. The air also changes, instantly from one spot to another the air cools drastically sending a cold but somewhat calming sensation down my spine, although colder, the air is clearly fresher and more natural than the polluted air of the outside world, as the dripping from the stream echoes through the narrow passage only my squelching footsteps can be heard, scared into a state of false bravery I remain completely silent as I make my way down the path, keeping my palms against the walls on either side of my body at all times in order to feel out any changes in direction, I tread carefully, wary as to not walk into anything, although careful, my movements remain swift as I glide through the strangely comforting darkness, comforting for the fact that even if there were to be creatures living down here, even if this place were to hide my deepest nightmares, the darkness would conceal them and I'd remain completely unaware of their existence around me. I continue deeper into the rock when the path becomes noticeably steeper and even without sight I can tell that I am heading underground, the trickling from before is becoming gradually louder the closer I get to it's source until eventually it is no longer a trickle, the water is now gushing heavily, crashing against what seems like it must be metal as a consistent clanging sound resonates through the passage as I walk. The high pitched whine which follows the clang is unnerving but not so much to deter me from my path, whatever creates the noise can surely be no worse than what I have come from. Then I see it, the feint glow that saves me from the darkness, a mixture of heavenly blues and the kinds of greens that are only produced by the most precious emeralds can be seen in the distance. Closer and closer I get, louder and louder the water, the clang grows even more piercing than ever before, gritting my teeth I continue to approach until I stop. I have reached the source of the glow, an opening in the rocks, the glow comes from round a slight corner just beyond the gaping hole in the rock to my left. As I peeks beyond the rocks I cannot help but nod my head to reassure myself that there is no danger.
Beyond the opening in the rock waits a huge open space, the space is dome-like in shape except for one flat wall, that wall is home to a raging waterfall roughly 30 feet ahead of where I stand. The clanging sound from before is now clearer to the ear, the source of which is also now obvious to the eyes, it resonates from a large cross which stands tall at the bottom of the waterfall. As the waves crash against the metal of the cross the sound rings loud and clear through the open dome in which I now reside. The glow from before I can now see comes from the water and is now so clear and marvellous that it beckons my eyes, pleading for attention. The walls are lined with a glimmering shine not too different from that seen as diamonds sparkle in the midday sun, the glimmer reflects the beauty of the water, multiplying the effects that the colours have on the mind ten fold. Unable to resist the charms of the waters I find myself subconsciously walking toward its edge, and before I know it I am on my knees with my fingers submerged below the surface. All tension in my body ceases to exist and all my fears are set free, as I allow my eyes to drift closed my body feels weightless as if gravity has released its hold on me and I'm floating around the room a mere feather in the cool summer breeze. Then, with a shudder I am saved. A strong hand grips my shoulders and pulls me up out of the water, I inhale deeply and flick my eyes open as I try to take in what has happened, turning to look upon my saviour I can only make out a silhouette as the water pours down my face and obscures my view. Instead, the first thing I learn of the person is through my ears as his deep, hurried voice resonates through my ear drums.
“Gracie! Gracie! Look at me! What the hell were you thinking?!!”
The words are slurred as my brain struggles to regain full consciousness and at the closing of the sentence I black out.
Below is the draft prologue of this so called novel. I want you to be brutally honest with me and critique it as much as you like, any suggestions/ feedback is greatly appreciated.
-Prologue-
Moving against its natural flow the wind crashes against my frame as I run clumsily through the trees, desperately trying to escape the distant cries of terror than linger in the air behind me. I was sure that they'd be after me soon enough and forced myself not to look back, my path remained straight and direct whilst I struggle to hold back the tears that I can feel building up in huge volume behind my eyes. Eventually my legs stop moving as I collapse forward onto my hands and knees, my face just inches from a huge rock face that towers over me. As I stare up at the cliff face my hands begin to tremble at the mere thought of having to scale such a tremendous natural structure. Unfortunately my extremely brief period of self-concern is interrupted by the sudden realisation that the noises that once trailed far behind were closing in on my position and that anything that happened to me on this rock face would pale in comparison to what I might go through should the torment from the day catch up to me. Fighting through the nervousness and the fear I bring myself to my feet and begin to scale the wall, as I climb my fear is channelled into masses of adrenaline and I find myself climbing at levels and speeds beyond what I ever would have deemed possible from such a petite girl. Not too far above my head I notice a small overhanging ledge, climbing a bit higher I clench my jaw and release myself from the wall, sending myself leaping upwards in a desperate attempt to grasp the ledge, my right hand hits the firm rock and I cling on desperately as I attach my flailing left arm to the ledge and pull myself to safety.
As I rise up over the ledge and help myself to my feet I am faced with an opening in the huge rock face, looking inside I see nothing but darkness although somehow I know that the opening leads to a narrow passage that leads deep down into the core of the mountain. Turning my torso back I look down the cliff and take a deep breath before placing a palm on the jagged rock and squeezing myself through the gap. Beyond the hole in the rock face I find myself locked inside a new world, the sudden dramatic change in light has my eyes in a frenzy as they sting my brain as they panic and try to adjust, the attempts from my eyes are however, futile. The dark path just barely wide enough for me to walk forwards and not feel claustrophobic or graze my elbows along the walls as I go, luckily for me, claustrophobia isn't really high in my list of worries right now. A few paces in and I'm completely submerged under a sheet of deep black shadows, the minuscule amount of light that crept into the tunnel from the world behind me has now dissipated completely, as well as this the ground changes, the hard rock becomes softer and begins to squelch beneath the weight of my boots, a trickling stream of water can be heard nearby although it is impossible to see where it comes from. The air also changes, instantly from one spot to another the air cools drastically sending a cold but somewhat calming sensation down my spine, although colder, the air is clearly fresher and more natural than the polluted air of the outside world, as the dripping from the stream echoes through the narrow passage only my squelching footsteps can be heard, scared into a state of false bravery I remain completely silent as I make my way down the path, keeping my palms against the walls on either side of my body at all times in order to feel out any changes in direction, I tread carefully, wary as to not walk into anything, although careful, my movements remain swift as I glide through the strangely comforting darkness, comforting for the fact that even if there were to be creatures living down here, even if this place were to hide my deepest nightmares, the darkness would conceal them and I'd remain completely unaware of their existence around me. I continue deeper into the rock when the path becomes noticeably steeper and even without sight I can tell that I am heading underground, the trickling from before is becoming gradually louder the closer I get to it's source until eventually it is no longer a trickle, the water is now gushing heavily, crashing against what seems like it must be metal as a consistent clanging sound resonates through the passage as I walk. The high pitched whine which follows the clang is unnerving but not so much to deter me from my path, whatever creates the noise can surely be no worse than what I have come from. Then I see it, the feint glow that saves me from the darkness, a mixture of heavenly blues and the kinds of greens that are only produced by the most precious emeralds can be seen in the distance. Closer and closer I get, louder and louder the water, the clang grows even more piercing than ever before, gritting my teeth I continue to approach until I stop. I have reached the source of the glow, an opening in the rocks, the glow comes from round a slight corner just beyond the gaping hole in the rock to my left. As I peeks beyond the rocks I cannot help but nod my head to reassure myself that there is no danger.
Beyond the opening in the rock waits a huge open space, the space is dome-like in shape except for one flat wall, that wall is home to a raging waterfall roughly 30 feet ahead of where I stand. The clanging sound from before is now clearer to the ear, the source of which is also now obvious to the eyes, it resonates from a large cross which stands tall at the bottom of the waterfall. As the waves crash against the metal of the cross the sound rings loud and clear through the open dome in which I now reside. The glow from before I can now see comes from the water and is now so clear and marvellous that it beckons my eyes, pleading for attention. The walls are lined with a glimmering shine not too different from that seen as diamonds sparkle in the midday sun, the glimmer reflects the beauty of the water, multiplying the effects that the colours have on the mind ten fold. Unable to resist the charms of the waters I find myself subconsciously walking toward its edge, and before I know it I am on my knees with my fingers submerged below the surface. All tension in my body ceases to exist and all my fears are set free, as I allow my eyes to drift closed my body feels weightless as if gravity has released its hold on me and I'm floating around the room a mere feather in the cool summer breeze. Then, with a shudder I am saved. A strong hand grips my shoulders and pulls me up out of the water, I inhale deeply and flick my eyes open as I try to take in what has happened, turning to look upon my saviour I can only make out a silhouette as the water pours down my face and obscures my view. Instead, the first thing I learn of the person is through my ears as his deep, hurried voice resonates through my ear drums.
“Gracie! Gracie! Look at me! What the hell were you thinking?!!”
The words are slurred as my brain struggles to regain full consciousness and at the closing of the sentence I black out.
