[Adventure] Minato and the Flying Thunder God! (fanfic) part 3

[tyltyl]

(all of the enemy shinobi attack at once. Jiraiya bites his thumb)

Jiraiya- Summoning jutsu- (gamabunta appears causing the enemy shinbi to jump back)

Minato- Minato fights his way through them (doing a good job)
(when minato is then knocked out by a near explosion of a paper bomb

Jiraiya- gasp! Minato! Jiraiya uses his hair to grab a hold of minato when nearly pulling him back up. A shinobi grabs the scroll from him. and runs away)

Gamabunta- what a bother. (Then slams his hand on the ground creating a large enough force to knock out the surrounding Shinobi. Jiraiya then checks all of them to only see that none of them have it)

Jiraiya- sigh.. this is bad. If that scroll ends up in the wrong hands this village will be in extreme danger.

Minato- Wait sensei it's not over yet! (Minato makes a hand sign then disappears leaving behind a yellow flash?)

Jiraiya- What? Did he just? Soon enough Minato appears with a shinobi over his shoulder with the sacred scroll)

Jiraiya- (this kid he maybe the savior after all. I always I this feeling)

Later that night Minato walks to Kushina.)
Minato- hi Kushina it's nice to see you hear

Kushina- Oh hi I haven't seen you much.

Minato- Well then let's change that. (grabs Kushina in his arms then appears in a remarkable sight under shooting stars)

(both hold hands and have a small kiss)

The end

 

[tyltyl]

there's a reason I make parts. It's because no one likes to read one long post it adds suspense to make parts and it's easier to do.

 

[Fair Warning]

That was beautiful.

but A) try better grammar/spelling
B) Format, "" <----indicates speech
C) You actually should make it longer, like chapters, and include pictures.

 

[tyltyl]

That was beautiful.

but A) try better grammar/spelling
B) Format, "" <----indicates speech
C) You actually should make it longer, like chapters, and include pictures.

I'll try to keep that in mind=D Just I had to rush it a little since I want to get these threads close to each other. and pics and things I might do later.

 

[Fair Warning]

I'll try to keep that in mind=D Just I had to rush it a little since I want to get these threads close to each other. and pics and things I might do later.

Yeah pics are a good idea. I made a Fanfic and created my own fan art of the character...just a thought

 

[Chakra Wizard]

Along with what Fair Warning said, you should probably work on the chapter structure, too, cause there's a lot of places where actions, description, and dialogue intersect. But going on what else you said, there's nothing wrong with adding to the length a little. Honestly, these chapters are almost too short for me. Maybe I'm expecting too much from FF's (let alone FF's here on the base), but I'm looking for a nice story whenever I take the time to read these posts, and if it's good enough to spark my interest, I'd rather get lost in a single chapter than have to search through the forum for the next one. Just some stuff to think about, man You definitely got something here, though*_*

 

[Aresfour]

That was beautiful.

but A) try better grammar/spelling
B) Format, "" <----indicates speech
C) You actually should make it longer, like chapters, and include pictures.

LOL this made me laugh a little lol but yeah.. ^_^

 

[Naijakid]

Dat pervy jiraiya and Minato