[SciFi] Migrane

ObitoKarin

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Migrane is a short story I am working on, I would really appreciate it if you could give me feedback and tell me if you enjoy it so far. I'm thinking of also putting this in increments on WattsPad, so here goes a test run.

Chapter One: Vivian

When thinking of that day, it’s like it was only yesterday. It was eight grade during last period. Everything was moving so quickly in her mind and she couldn’t keep up, so she turned to my friend Brandon to ask if he was getting the same sensation, but Mr. Johnson caught them speaking and told her to move her desk next to his.

After moving, the headache and nausea grew stronger, so she clasped her hands on her head. Suddenly a widespread of moaning grew across the classroom because the kids in her class were suddenly feeling the same as she was. Some fell out of the seats crying, other just placed their heads on the desk and screamed at the top of their lungs. Mr. Johnson looked painfully depressed. She had no idea what was going on, but the shock took the pain of the migraine away.

Janet woke up sweating and breathing at a pace faster than normal. She looked left and right into the darkness of her room to find nothing but her uniform hanging on the door and her clock reading five-thirty. She feel backwards into her pillow, her blonde hair flying backwards with her and then landing on her face as she sighed.

“Why...” she said in a soft-tone. She stared at the ceiling for a few more minutes and soon flung forward out of her bed to go shower and get dressed.

After getting dressed, she trudged downstairs into the empty kitchen to find a note folded in half with fancy writing on it, a lunch-bag, and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Janet sat down in front of the box of cereal and picked up the note; it was from her mother. Janet’s mom wrote about how she was going to be coming home late, like always, and that she was sorry for leaving out so early, like always, but she had a business emergency, like always.

Before finishing her cereal and throwing away the lunch bag of peanut butter, pickles and jelly, which she has no idea why her mother thinks she enjoys that, Janet’s phone began to ring, it was Brandon.

“Hey, Jan.” he said through the phone.

“What’s up Brandon?” Janet replied.

“So, I have good news and bad news,” Janet covered her face with the palm of her hand that wasn’t holding the phone.

“The good news is that I finished my homework and that I’m prepared for our final day of senior year,”

“First, we didn’t have homework last night and second, what is the bad news?”

“The bad news is that I can’t pick you up today because my car broke down,”

“Oh my god!” Janet nearly screamed because it was seven o’clock and the city bus that would take her to school comes in 45 minutes, but that bus stop is about 16 blocks down the street.

“Hey! I know it sounds bad… But maybe this is a lesson for you, ya’ know?”

“A lesson? Really? What kind of a lesson.” Janet said as she packed her bags, house keys and, for some strange reason, a spoon.

“Well, you ARE eighteen now… Don’t you think it’s time to get your license?”

“Oh, no," Janet said as she locked her front door and began speed walking down the street, “Don’t hit me with that bull, you know I have have ZERO time to practice driving.”

“Well, actually…” Brandon dragged on.

“Well, actually.” Janet mocked Brandon.

“Ok, smart-ass. Just keep it into consideration. Anyways, I gotta go cuz’ my mom is heading for the car and she still on the whole, “Is Janet your ‘hubby-hubby’” shit.”

Janet laughed, “Ok, see you in school.” she hung up the phone to see the time read seven-forty and, surprisingly, she was at the bus stop already. She was shocked, but ignored it and walked into the waiting station of the bus with a woman dressed in all black from head to toe reading a book entitled Catcher in the Rye. Janet sat down into a squishy pink gum and immediately shot up.

“Ewwwww.” Janet screamed softly, but she still caught the attention of the woman.

“Are you okay?” She asked, Janet turned to her,

“Oh, yeah,” she said, sighing, “Just a little gum, nothing major.”

“Is there anything I could do to help?”

“Oh, no. I couldn’t…” Janet said while looking away from the woman. The woman stood up and took off her black fedora hat to reveal long locks of brown hair.

“Turn around, please.” She said politely, so Janet turned.

“What are you going to—“

“There we go, all gone.” The woman interrupted Janet. Janet placed her palms on her butt to feel for the gum, but it was gone.

“Oh my gosh, thank you so much.”

“Oh, my pleasure,” Janet was a little freaked out with how polite this woman was being, but didn’t want to seem unappreciative.

“Uhm, I never caught your name miss…” Janet led.

“Oh, you can just call me Vivian,” she responded.

“Okay, well… My name is—“

“Janet.” Vivian interrupted her

“How do you know my name,” Janet began to step back. The bus suddenly pulled up behind her and the doors flung open.

“I know a lot about you, dear,” Vivian said. She began to enter the bus as she said, “Probably more than you know.”


 
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Chakra Wizard

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Hmmm, many questions already. lol

A few spelling errors that could've been fixed with a quick proofread beforehand, but nothing major (though you should get into the habit of adding ending punctuation to the dialogue). Nice setup and I'm wondering where this goes:)
 

Michael92

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Hmmm, many questions already. lol

A few spelling errors that could've been fixed with a quick proofread beforehand, but nothing major (though you should get into the habit of adding ending punctuation to the dialogue). Nice setup and I'm wondering where this goes:)
Some people actually seem to debate on whether that's necessary or not these days. Check this post out (it's one of the better reviews I've seen on the Base lately):



Here's the remark from the post for a quick read;

"Also, as far as I know, you don't need to capitalize the first letter after a dialogue line, since the sentence itself doesn't necessarily end after a quote. Meaning that the structure of a dialogue line could/should look like "He said penis," said Vagina."

One of the better discussions I've had lately with another member as well.




Anyways, back to the review of this thing (this review is kind of random btw, being that I normally don't read FFs/OFs anymore these days, even when people are asking me personally (except for those I've been following for awhile and those few who also follows my writing in return). However, I thought I would give a random read and just toss out a random review in the process for the heck of it, so here goes...), which I'll for once try to keep short (I'm terrible at making short posts it seems xd):

The grammar, structure, fluency and all that is great. It's probably the smoothest read I've had in a while (not counting Chakra W's writing of course, which is always top notch :rolleyes:), and that says a lot. This thing and you as its writer, have a lot of potential, I can easily tell. Before I move on, let me point out the errors I presume CW was hinting at, that I spotted;

"Some feel out of the seats crying..." Some fell out...***

"...and she was surprising at the bus stop already." I suppose you meant to write "surprisingly" here?

"Janet said while looking way from the woman..." while looking away...***

It's a good start and the idea feels fresh (at least to me despite all these Japanese high school stories that are out there). The set up is nice and it gives us just a hint of what to come. 8.5 out of 10 for me. Who knows, maybe I'll even check out the 2nd one, one day too. We'll see ;)
 

Chakra Wizard

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Some people actually seem to debate on whether that's necessary or not these days. Check this post out (it's one of the better reviews I've seen on the Base lately):



Here's the remark from the post for a quick read;

"Also, as far as I know, you don't need to capitalize the first letter after a dialogue line, since the sentence itself doesn't necessarily end after a quote. Meaning that the structure of a dialogue line could/should look like "He said penis," said Vagina."

One of the better discussions I've had lately with another member as well.




Anyways, back to the review of this thing (this review is kind of random btw, being that I normally don't read FFs/OFs anymore these days, even when people are asking me personally (except for those I've been following for awhile and those few who also follows my writing in return). However, I thought I would give a random read and just toss out a random review in the process for the heck of it, so here goes...), which I'll for once try to keep short (I'm terrible at making short posts it seems xd):

The grammar, structure, fluency and all that is great. It's probably the smoothest read I've had in a while (not counting Chakra W's writing of course, which is always top notch :rolleyes:), and that says a lot. This thing and you as its writer, have a lot of potential, I can easily tell. Before I move on, let me point out the errors I presume CW was hinting at, that I spotted;

"Some feel out of the seats crying..." Some fell out...***

"...and she was surprising at the bus stop already." I suppose you meant to write "surprisingly" here?

"Janet said while looking way from the woman..." while looking away...***

It's a good start and the idea feels fresh (at least to me despite all these Japanese high school stories that are out there). The set up is nice and it gives us just a hint of what to come. 8.5 out of 10 for me. Who knows, maybe I'll even check out the 2nd one, one day too. We'll see ;)
Aw, shucks. :blush: xd

And yeah, the next letter after the quote shouldn't be capitalized since the sentence has yet to end, but a line of dialogue is essentially a sentence within a sentence, so it gets its own punctuation (how else would you tell the intended manner of speech aside from the "he said/asked/shouted" immediately afterwards?).
 

Michael92

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Aw, shucks. :blush: xd

And yeah, the next letter after the quote shouldn't be capitalized since the sentence has yet to end, but a line of dialogue is essentially a sentence within a sentence, so it gets its own punctuation (how else would you tell the intended manner of speech aside from the "he said/asked/shouted" immediately afterwards?).
This is why I said it was debated :p I've gone by ending the dialogues as their own sentences most of the times myself.
 

ObitoKarin

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Well that was a good read. Looks promising.
Hmmm, many questions already. lol

A few spelling errors that could've been fixed with a quick proofread beforehand, but nothing major (though you should get into the habit of adding ending punctuation to the dialogue). Nice setup and I'm wondering where this goes:)
Some people actually seem to debate on whether that's necessary or not these days. Check this post out (it's one of the better reviews I've seen on the Base lately):



Here's the remark from the post for a quick read;

"Also, as far as I know, you don't need to capitalize the first letter after a dialogue line, since the sentence itself doesn't necessarily end after a quote. Meaning that the structure of a dialogue line could/should look like "He said penis," said Vagina."

One of the better discussions I've had lately with another member as well.




Anyways, back to the review of this thing (this review is kind of random btw, being that I normally don't read FFs/OFs anymore these days, even when people are asking me personally (except for those I've been following for awhile and those few who also follows my writing in return). However, I thought I would give a random read and just toss out a random review in the process for the heck of it, so here goes...), which I'll for once try to keep short (I'm terrible at making short posts it seems xd):

The grammar, structure, fluency and all that is great. It's probably the smoothest read I've had in a while (not counting Chakra W's writing of course, which is always top notch :rolleyes:), and that says a lot. This thing and you as its writer, have a lot of potential, I can easily tell. Before I move on, let me point out the errors I presume CW was hinting at, that I spotted;

"Some feel out of the seats crying..." Some fell out...***

"...and she was surprising at the bus stop already." I suppose you meant to write "surprisingly" here?

"Janet said while looking way from the woman..." while looking away...***

It's a good start and the idea feels fresh (at least to me despite all these Japanese high school stories that are out there). The set up is nice and it gives us just a hint of what to come. 8.5 out of 10 for me. Who knows, maybe I'll even check out the 2nd one, one day too. We'll see ;)
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it. I'm terrible at proof-reading, but I guess it's time to start practicing. And I was originally debating using punctuation at the end of my dialogue, but I was border-line while typing and ending up not doing it for about half of the first chapter and it kind of just stuck. It does look more appealing with punctuation at the end though, so I'm keeping that.
 

Michael92

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Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it. I'm terrible at proof-reading, but I guess it's time to start practicing. And I was originally debating using punctuation at the end of my dialogue, but I was border-line while typing and ending up not doing it for about half of the first chapter and it kind of just stuck. It does look more appealing with punctuation at the end though, so I'm keeping that.
No problem ^^ As far as I'm concerned, your grammar and all that is a lot better than most people, so "terrible at proof-reading" can't exactly be said about you.
 
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