Hey fellow Naruto fans. My name is Terrence I'm trying to wirte an interesting anime. I've wrote my first Vol of it in a week, all I need now is some kind of Feedback on it. I'm not posting the entire thing on here Just my first Episode. It's just a rough draft of a rough draft.
Also I know this is not the place for it, I just want feedback.
So here it is.
Episode One
EXT. Outside city - day
Scene shows a beautiful city, filled with skyscrapers. Machines are flying in between buildings as they make it towards their destinations.
Scene lowers going in-between the buildings. People are seen on the walking about, while the view is traveling towards the center of the city.
As the scene comes closer to the center, a view of two people are by a water fountain. One of them, which is a boy in his early 20's is walking along the edge of the fountain, the other which is a girl, is sitting on the edge. They both are wearing monk style clothing.
Vera
Alonso, I Hope this day never ends.
ALONSO
Vera.
(smiles)
Wonder what mom and dad are up to?
Vera
Does it really matter at this point?
ALONSO
Not so much.
Vera stands.
VERA
Let's go. This is getting boring.
Vera takes off between two buildings heading towards the city entrance. Alonso stands, going after her.
ALONSO
Hey... Wait up!
VERA
(giggles)
Come on. Your to slow.
Intro Credits
EXT. OUTSIDE CITY - DAY
Scene comes to a cliff with trees rustling from the wind, some feet behind the cliffs edge. Alonso and Vera are seen walking up to the edge, from the trees. They stop at the edge.
VERA
This is beautiful, isn't it?
ALONSO
Sure is. This view of the city always gets to me.
They take a sit at the cliff's edge, taking in the view and the sunlight. Alonso lays back with his fingers interlocked behind his head, Vera's legs are crossed and her hands are positioned behind her. They sit there for a while.
Vera jumps up.
VERA
We should make the time go by faster.
Alonso stands and faces towards Vera.
ALONSO
So what do you have in mind?
VERA
Depends if you're up for a sparring match.
Vera does a couple of back flips and is no longer in sight behind the tree line. Alonso walks in the tree line and spots Vera.
ALONSO
I'm not going to hold back just because your my sister.
Alonso takes his stance, Vera then takes hers.
VERA
(grins)
I wouldn't want you too, brother.
Alonso and Vera run towards one another.
Scene cuts
INT. Forest area - night
Vera is shown on the ground with bruises and cuts.
ALONSO
Told you I wouldn't go easy on you.
VERA
Oh ... Just shut up!
ALONSO
Here let me help.
Alonso walks up to his sister and bends over. He places his hands in order over her right shoulder, left hand, left thigh, and her knee and begins to heal them.
VERA
You didn't have to do that you know. I could have-
ALONSO
Yea... but-
VERA
You got your self to worry about anyway Alonso.
Alonso has injuries under his left eye, stomach, and both of his legs. Alonso stands straight.
ALONSO
You did do a number on me Vera.
Alonso wounds are shown healing all at once. Vera gets up and stands in front of her brother.
VERA
I'm never going to get over that.
Alonso stumbles and bit, Vera holds out her hands to catch her brother, but he is able to catch himself.
VERA
(thoughts)
He can't heal much without getting dizzy.
Vera looks at her brother as Alonso stands completely straight again.
ALONSO
It's nothing, just a little dizzy, that's all.
An explosion is heard.
VERA
What was that?
ALONSO
I don't know. It sounded as if it came from the city.
Two more explosions are heard, causing the ground to shake underneath their feet. They rush towards the cliff over looking the city. A building that was standing is now collapsing on itself. As the look in aw, smoke is seen rising from the East and West side of the city.
ALONSO
We have to go!
VERA
Mom and dad are in the city still.
More explosions are heard as Alonso and Vera make they're way back to the city through the forest. Alonso falls back a bit.
VERA
This is no time to lose focus Alonso. We have to hurry.
ALONSO
I know. ... Who could be doing this?
VERA
Whoever it is, is not going to get away.
They both pick the pace up, heading in the direction of the city entrance.
Scene Cuts
INT. inside city - Night
Reaching the city as they rush inside, nobody is panicking. Vera and Alonso look around as vehicles are blowing up, and more buildings are falling over.
VERA
What, What's going on?
ALONSO
W- why is everyone just standing there?
Alonso runs up to a citizen past a building that has just exploded, he grabs them. There is not reaction from them, and her eyes seem to be glaring into space.
ALONSO
They're in a trance or something, they are not responding to anything!
VERA
We can't worry about them now! We have to locate mom and dad, then get whoever else we can out of here!
Alonso let's go as Vera heads toward the center of the city, Alonso follows.
VERA
We have to find them and quickly, something tells me this is not a normal attack.
ALONSO
If we split it will be quicker, right? I'll head for the house. You go to the other places they might be. Since your quicker than me.
VERA
Good idea bro. Meet back at the fountain in 30 minutes.
Alonso nods his head and the break apart, Alonso heads NE, while Vera heads NW. On the way to their locations, they try to snap anyone they can out of the trance they are in. More buildings fall, as while as more explosions, all the while no one is heard screaming or seen running.
scene cuts
Vera checks the following places in order, a friends apartment, the lake, another friends place, But finds nothing.
VERA
Where could they be?
Vera takes off looking in other places.
VERA
Mom! Dad!
Scene cuts
Alonso reaches the house. he stands outside not able to take in the view of the house half-way destroyed.
ALONSO
Mom! Dad! We have to get out of the city!
Alonso walks into the house, looking for his parents. He looks in the living room, dining room and kitchen. As he walks back into the living he spots a picture on a broken desk. As he approaches the desk, He hears a ticking sound to his left.
ALONSO
Shit!
Alonso grabs the picture and heads quickly out the house. Just after he makes it outside the house explodes, and then is engulfed in flames. Tears rolling down his eyes
ALONSO
Noooo! Noooooooooooo!
Scene Cuts
VERA
No one will even wake of this trance.
She slaps a couple of people around to try to wake them. She looks up and spots the time barely working on a still standing scraper.
VERA
Hope Alonso had better luck than me.
Vera heads for the fountain in the cites center. After she gets a couple of feet away from a building she pasts, it explodes. She stops.
VERA
To close, someone is watching.
Scene cuts
Alonso sees Vera coming from across the opposite way. A building falls and blocks the path connecting them.
ALONSO
Vera!
Stranger (I)
You don't have time to worry about her.
Alonso turns around and spots a shadowy figure in the distance far in front him.
ALONSO
You're the one behind what's happening in city, aren't you? Where are my parents?
VERA
Alonso!
Vera makes it over the fallen building and lands next to her brother. Alonso watches her as she lands.
VERA
We have to get out of this city.
ALONSO
But... he was right there in front of me.
Alonso and Vera head out of the city, as more buildings fall, people are now seen running and panicking more than ever, crying and confused.
SCENE CUTS
Alonso and Vera are standing on the cliff over looking the city, as a repeated order of explosions set off. They stand silent. Vera falls to her knees as tears starts to pour from her eyes. Alonso lowers to confront his sister remaining silent, with no tears coming from his eyes. The picture frame falls from Alonso hand. The last scene gets a close up shot on the picture as the family looks happy as ever.
End
So if you liked it message me on here Demonseed, or my email angelshatedevilsluv at y.a.hoo.co.m
Thanks for reading all feedback is welcomed.
Also I know this is not the place for it, I just want feedback.
So here it is.
Episode One
EXT. Outside city - day
Scene shows a beautiful city, filled with skyscrapers. Machines are flying in between buildings as they make it towards their destinations.
Scene lowers going in-between the buildings. People are seen on the walking about, while the view is traveling towards the center of the city.
As the scene comes closer to the center, a view of two people are by a water fountain. One of them, which is a boy in his early 20's is walking along the edge of the fountain, the other which is a girl, is sitting on the edge. They both are wearing monk style clothing.
Vera
Alonso, I Hope this day never ends.
ALONSO
Vera.
(smiles)
Wonder what mom and dad are up to?
Vera
Does it really matter at this point?
ALONSO
Not so much.
Vera stands.
VERA
Let's go. This is getting boring.
Vera takes off between two buildings heading towards the city entrance. Alonso stands, going after her.
ALONSO
Hey... Wait up!
VERA
(giggles)
Come on. Your to slow.
Intro Credits
EXT. OUTSIDE CITY - DAY
Scene comes to a cliff with trees rustling from the wind, some feet behind the cliffs edge. Alonso and Vera are seen walking up to the edge, from the trees. They stop at the edge.
VERA
This is beautiful, isn't it?
ALONSO
Sure is. This view of the city always gets to me.
They take a sit at the cliff's edge, taking in the view and the sunlight. Alonso lays back with his fingers interlocked behind his head, Vera's legs are crossed and her hands are positioned behind her. They sit there for a while.
Vera jumps up.
VERA
We should make the time go by faster.
Alonso stands and faces towards Vera.
ALONSO
So what do you have in mind?
VERA
Depends if you're up for a sparring match.
Vera does a couple of back flips and is no longer in sight behind the tree line. Alonso walks in the tree line and spots Vera.
ALONSO
I'm not going to hold back just because your my sister.
Alonso takes his stance, Vera then takes hers.
VERA
(grins)
I wouldn't want you too, brother.
Alonso and Vera run towards one another.
Scene cuts
INT. Forest area - night
Vera is shown on the ground with bruises and cuts.
ALONSO
Told you I wouldn't go easy on you.
VERA
Oh ... Just shut up!
ALONSO
Here let me help.
Alonso walks up to his sister and bends over. He places his hands in order over her right shoulder, left hand, left thigh, and her knee and begins to heal them.
VERA
You didn't have to do that you know. I could have-
ALONSO
Yea... but-
VERA
You got your self to worry about anyway Alonso.
Alonso has injuries under his left eye, stomach, and both of his legs. Alonso stands straight.
ALONSO
You did do a number on me Vera.
Alonso wounds are shown healing all at once. Vera gets up and stands in front of her brother.
VERA
I'm never going to get over that.
Alonso stumbles and bit, Vera holds out her hands to catch her brother, but he is able to catch himself.
VERA
(thoughts)
He can't heal much without getting dizzy.
Vera looks at her brother as Alonso stands completely straight again.
ALONSO
It's nothing, just a little dizzy, that's all.
An explosion is heard.
VERA
What was that?
ALONSO
I don't know. It sounded as if it came from the city.
Two more explosions are heard, causing the ground to shake underneath their feet. They rush towards the cliff over looking the city. A building that was standing is now collapsing on itself. As the look in aw, smoke is seen rising from the East and West side of the city.
ALONSO
We have to go!
VERA
Mom and dad are in the city still.
More explosions are heard as Alonso and Vera make they're way back to the city through the forest. Alonso falls back a bit.
VERA
This is no time to lose focus Alonso. We have to hurry.
ALONSO
I know. ... Who could be doing this?
VERA
Whoever it is, is not going to get away.
They both pick the pace up, heading in the direction of the city entrance.
Scene Cuts
INT. inside city - Night
Reaching the city as they rush inside, nobody is panicking. Vera and Alonso look around as vehicles are blowing up, and more buildings are falling over.
VERA
What, What's going on?
ALONSO
W- why is everyone just standing there?
Alonso runs up to a citizen past a building that has just exploded, he grabs them. There is not reaction from them, and her eyes seem to be glaring into space.
ALONSO
They're in a trance or something, they are not responding to anything!
VERA
We can't worry about them now! We have to locate mom and dad, then get whoever else we can out of here!
Alonso let's go as Vera heads toward the center of the city, Alonso follows.
VERA
We have to find them and quickly, something tells me this is not a normal attack.
ALONSO
If we split it will be quicker, right? I'll head for the house. You go to the other places they might be. Since your quicker than me.
VERA
Good idea bro. Meet back at the fountain in 30 minutes.
Alonso nods his head and the break apart, Alonso heads NE, while Vera heads NW. On the way to their locations, they try to snap anyone they can out of the trance they are in. More buildings fall, as while as more explosions, all the while no one is heard screaming or seen running.
scene cuts
Vera checks the following places in order, a friends apartment, the lake, another friends place, But finds nothing.
VERA
Where could they be?
Vera takes off looking in other places.
VERA
Mom! Dad!
Scene cuts
Alonso reaches the house. he stands outside not able to take in the view of the house half-way destroyed.
ALONSO
Mom! Dad! We have to get out of the city!
Alonso walks into the house, looking for his parents. He looks in the living room, dining room and kitchen. As he walks back into the living he spots a picture on a broken desk. As he approaches the desk, He hears a ticking sound to his left.
ALONSO
Shit!
Alonso grabs the picture and heads quickly out the house. Just after he makes it outside the house explodes, and then is engulfed in flames. Tears rolling down his eyes
ALONSO
Noooo! Noooooooooooo!
Scene Cuts
VERA
No one will even wake of this trance.
She slaps a couple of people around to try to wake them. She looks up and spots the time barely working on a still standing scraper.
VERA
Hope Alonso had better luck than me.
Vera heads for the fountain in the cites center. After she gets a couple of feet away from a building she pasts, it explodes. She stops.
VERA
To close, someone is watching.
Scene cuts
Alonso sees Vera coming from across the opposite way. A building falls and blocks the path connecting them.
ALONSO
Vera!
Stranger (I)
You don't have time to worry about her.
Alonso turns around and spots a shadowy figure in the distance far in front him.
ALONSO
You're the one behind what's happening in city, aren't you? Where are my parents?
VERA
Alonso!
Vera makes it over the fallen building and lands next to her brother. Alonso watches her as she lands.
VERA
We have to get out of this city.
ALONSO
But... he was right there in front of me.
Alonso and Vera head out of the city, as more buildings fall, people are now seen running and panicking more than ever, crying and confused.
SCENE CUTS
Alonso and Vera are standing on the cliff over looking the city, as a repeated order of explosions set off. They stand silent. Vera falls to her knees as tears starts to pour from her eyes. Alonso lowers to confront his sister remaining silent, with no tears coming from his eyes. The picture frame falls from Alonso hand. The last scene gets a close up shot on the picture as the family looks happy as ever.
End
So if you liked it message me on here Demonseed, or my email angelshatedevilsluv at y.a.hoo.co.m
Thanks for reading all feedback is welcomed.
