Jack Spicer
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Life In The Akatsuki
The Movies
The Movies
We join Kisame and Itachi waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning....
Itachi: "Kisame, time to get up. We have work to do today."
Kisame: "Work? It's Saturday...."
Itachi: "We have to capture the jinjuriki. Apparently we do that. Partying and playing jokes doesn't exactly fulfill our tasks. Don't you think?"
Kisame: "But it's so fun. We have all our lives. I mean, look at Kakuzu. He's 91 years old."
Itachi: "He's the only senior member of Akatsuki who acts like a fool."
*Tobi coincidently walks by and glances at Itachi*
Itachi: "I hate it when Tobi stares at me...It's like he's always watching me and my actions. Why can't he bother my brother? I can't wait until the day they meet. I'll probably die due to the pure stupidity of them being in the same room together. Why is he up anyways....."
Kisame: "Okay...About the jinjuriki......."
Itachi: "Yes, back to them. You know that I hate doing work that involves fighting and messing up my hair-"
Kisame: "You fight Hidan alot though."
Itachi: "My hair never gets scratched, now does it?"
Kisame: "I guess-"
Itachi: "It's retorical and also, Kisame?"
Kisame: "Yes, Itachi?"
Itachi: "Never interrupt me again or I'll show you the one hundred and fifty-two ways I can kill you using a ceiling fan."
Kisame: *Gulp*
Itachi: "I think we should restart capturing the jinjuriki. We should begin with the Shukaku's host, Gaara of the Desert."
Kisame: "But it's so hot and...sandy there. Can't we send Deidara and Sasori?"
Itachi: "We could."
Kisame: "Se-"
Itachi: "If we didn't want the job done. I will mention this at the meeting today. We are going on a hunt today."
Kisame: "I'm going back to sleep."
Itachi: "Fish don't sleep, Kisame, and besides you have to get prepared and packed for our trip today."
Kisame: "I am........not.....going...."
Itachi, while activating his Sharingan: "What did you say?"
Kisame: "I am packing right now!"
Itachi: "That's what I thought."
Off to Pein and Konan's room....
Konan rubs her eyes, as they slowly open. She glances around the room and sighs. She turns to Pein and puts her arm around his stomach."
Konan: "Pein, it's morning. Why am I up so early?"
Pein: "I...don't know, Penny...Ask Sheldon. He knows everything. He'd be God if he wasn't....so over qualified."
Konan: "I agree....He is over...qual...if...ied.....Wait, what?! Pein! What did you call me?
Pein: "Penny, that's your name....isn't it?"
(Konan wakes Pein up by shaking him)
Konan: "Pein! Why are you calling me Penny?"
Pein: "What? Oh, Konan...I am so sorry. I was dreaming about The Big Bang Theory. *Yawns* It's an amazing show. Kakuzu was right."
Konan: "Why were you dreaming about Penny? And what happened to NCIS and over-obsessing about TV?! I thought you moved past that...."
Pein: I dreampt that I had a sleepover at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. Penny stayed over too, as did Rashish and Howard. Nothing happened if that's what you're thinking. I only love one girl and it's you."
Konan: "....Pein...Thank y-"
Pein: "And about NCIS. I still love it, but currently Big Bang Theory has my heart. And I over-obsess, but that's a positive. I over-obsess about you, my love."
Konan: "That can actually get annoying, but I find it sweet. *Smiles*
(Pein kisses Konan and they resume sleeping.)
Over in the gameroom...wait, who's up playing games in the morning?...Nerds...I feel included! This narrator should be quiet now...Bazinga....
Hidan: "WOOO! Man, these energy drinks really keep you going! Kakuzu, hurry up and use your fireball jutsu!"
Kakuzu: "I'm doing it! Take that Deidara!"
Deidara: "Ever since they've added four player to the Ultimate Ninja Series, it's been awesome! Hm! However, it's been so hard to win a match....which is even more fun! Heh!"
Sasori: "I agree. Deidara, you're my partener, so please...be quiet! Kakuzu is kicking your butt with Itachi! Use your Lave Style to burn down his Susano'o!"
Hidan: "His lava only breaks Sasuke's Susano'o, you idiot. Why'd you choose the Mizuakge anyways, Deidara?"
Deidara: "She's hot, hm."
Sasori: "You're just lucky I picked A, Deidara. His lightening Style will devour Hidan's Kisame."
Hidan: "Watching Kisame die is it's own reward, but it won't be happening!"
Kakuzu: "Unlike his real life counter part, this one is extremely powerful. It's groovy!"
Sasori: "Liger Bomb!"
Hidan: "NOOO!.....Phew...Samehada protected me....."
Kakuzu: "Amaterasu!"
Deidara: "Not so fast. Vapor Style!"
Sasori: "Deidara, you evaporated Amaterasu!"
Deidara: "I've been working on kicking Itachi's ass, hm!"
Kakuzu: "You cheater! Itachi is unstopable! Amaterasu can't be beaten!!"
Deidara: "Really? Let's try Susano'o! Lave Style: Lave Spears!"
Sasori: "Lariant!"
Hidan: "Holy Fu**!"
Kakuzu: "Ah man. We lost, Hidan."
Deidara: "Art is..an Explosion!"
Sasori: "Bazinga that bit**."
Hidan: "What, what's that on the TV? Another damn ad for a movie?"
Kakuzu: "Not just any movie. It's an add for X-Men: First Class!"
Deidara: "Is it on, hm?"
Hidan: "Yeah, says it starts today. Wanna go?"
Sasori: "Yeah."
Inner Sasori: "I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!"
Zetsu, who's in the corner laying down
Black Half): "Nerds."A little bit later, in the bathroom...
Pein, while brushing his teeth: "So, Konan, what do you want to do today?"
Konan, who's fixing her hair: "Doesn't matter, aslong as we get away from here. Hidan, Sasori, Deidara, and Kakuzu are way too loud. They are going way too overboard with their new game."
Pein: "New game? They didn't tell me about a new game! Those fiends...."
Konan: "Well, you have me. And you know how much they want that, but don't worry, they'll never get me."
Pein: "For the right price, Kakuzu might. He's a sweet talker and is good with money."
Konan: "Are you calling me a hooker?"
Pein: "No, no! Just saying, Kakuzu is smart for a hippie, but I wouldn't let anyone have you. I'd out bid them. I watch Storage wars. I know how to handle things."
Konan: "You're such a nerd....And I love that."
Pein: "Then you'll love this. Remember last week, how I promised you a romantic date? How about we go to the movies tonight and catch X-Men: First Class? After that, we can go out to dinner."
Konan: "X-Men....really?.....I'll do it for you...."
Inner Konan: "X-Men! God, I can't wait! Thank you Pein!! Nothing can ruin this day!"
*Konan kisses Pein out of nowhere*
Pein: "What was that for?"
Konan: "Your breath...It smells.... nice."
Pein: "I knew my new Sith toothpaste would pay off someday...."
Later, at the meeting.....
Tobi: "Cheese is nature's fruit! I swear! Eat it! Tobi isn't lying!"
Kisame: "Why are we talking about cheese again, Itachi?"
Itachi: "I don't know, nor do I care."
Hidan: "Tobi, cheese isn't fruit, you idiot!"
Kakuzu: "Could be..."
*Tobi begins to light up*
Kakuzu: "But it isn't.
*Tobi sulks again*
Pein: "So, Deidara, I heard you got a new game. Why didn't you tell me? You know I love games!"
Deidara: "Well...hm...it came out yesterday and you were with Konan and I didn't want to bother you. Yeah...that sounds right..."
Sasori: "Nice job."
Pein: "Well...I can't argue with that, but next time, you better tell me! I don't care if Konan is sick or if Konan and I are doing spontaneous and rigorous activities like watching NCIS, you better tell me."
Deidara: "Okay....."
Sasori: "Awkward..."
Konan: "Our love life is that.....bad? That cuts it, Tonight, I am getting drunk...."
Tobi: "As I was saying! Cheese is-"
Itachi: "Yeah, nobody cares. I have an important announcement. We, the Akatsuki,-"
Hidan: "We know who we are!"
Itachi: "Of course you do....We, as the Akatsuki, have failed our main goals."
Pein: "Peace?"
Konan: "Love?"
Kakuzu: "Money?"
Tobi: "Fun?!"
Deidara: "I was forced to join...."
Itachi: "No. To capture the jinjuriki and rule the world."
Tobi: "I was the closest!"
Itachi: "I think today we should revive our goals and resume our hunt on the jinjuriki. We should begin with the One Tailed Shukaku's host, Gaara of The Desert."
Hidan: "Boo! I hate work!"
Pein: "We have lives, Itachi. I know I started this, but we have forever. We need to live our lives."
Itachi: "What lives? All you do is wander endlessly in agony while Konan's annoying mouth follows you. Everyone else is clueless and goofs off. Zetsu's high all the time, on life as he puts it. Tobi's an idiot. All of you are worthless. Tonight you'll just order pizza. Is that the life you want?"
Hidan: "Yeah!"
Pein: "Yes."
Sasori: "Yeah."
Tobi: "Si! Dora taught me that!"
Zetsu: (White Half): "Wait...who's high....?"
Konan: "There you have it Itachi. We're all happy, but you. You can capture the Shukaku if you want, but you'll be alone."
Itachi: "So, Kisame won't be accompioning me?"
Konan: "That's up to him."
Kisame: "Itachi, you're on your own..."
Itachi: ".......Fine.....I'll be departing after the meeting."
Hidan: "What? No head start? I thought your arrogant a** would've left by now! Coward!"
*Itachi stands up, stares at Hidan for a second and Hidan passes out, and leaves.*
Sasori: "He should've expected that."
Tobi: "LOL! Bazinga! Right, Kakuzu?"
Kakuzu: "......."
*Kakuzu walks away*
Later at the Konoha mall, where the theater is ironically located...
Deidara: "Hello ladies!"
Sasori: "No one is here, yet. All the cool people arrive at 8:30, not 8:25....or so I read in my Teen monthly."
Kakuzu: "It feels good to be out again. Leaving Tobi, Kisame, Pein, and Konan at home is a good bonus too."
Hidan: "Hell yeah! Now, let's go get in line!"
*They walk to the line, which is empty besides one person, who turns around to face the Akatsuki."
Sakura: "Well, if it isn't Sasori."
*Sasori screams like a girl*
Sasori: "I mean...Hello, Sakura. How are you?"
Sakura: "Broken hearted, twice! How are you?"
Sasori: "Oh, you know...Fine."
Hidan: "Fine? You're always running your mouth about so girl named Hinata Hyuga!"
Kakuzu: "And we got that new Ultimate Ninja game! You said it was awesome. You're loving life. You said so. I have it documented."
Deidara: "Why?"
Kakuzu: "Everything is documented."
Deidara: "Okay, hm."
Kakuzu: "Noted."
Sakura: "I'm glad you're happy."
Sasori: "Really?"
Sakura: "NO!"
*Sakura attacks Sasori and begins punching him on the ground."
Sasori: "Guys! Argh!.....Help!!!! Me!!!!"
Hidan: "You kidding?! This is hilarious!"
*Just then, Pein and Konan walk in. Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara turn around and see the mall packed with people!"
Pein: "What are you guys doing here?"
Deidara: "Forget that! When'd all these people get here?!"
Konan: "All the cool people arrive at 8:30. I guess you guys wouldn't know it."
Deidara: "Hmph! We are the definition of cool!"
Sasori, in the background: "Ahh! Help me! She's causing splinters!"
Kakuzu: "See. We're cooool. *Nods and Smile*
Konan: "Of course you are.....Why are you guys here anyways?"
Hidan: "We're catching X-Men, bit**!"
Pein: "That's weird. We're catching it aswell. We should've carpooled."
*Konan pulls Pein away*
Konan: "They'll ruin our night!"
Pein: "No, they won't. They'll be fine. They love X-men as much as me. I wish you'd get into it."
Konan: "I'll try...."
Inner Konan: "Those idiots won't prevent me from Pein and my X-Men!"
*Hidan, Deidara, and Kakuzu approach them*
Deidara: "Tickets are ready, hm."
Hidan: "Everyone, let's go to the line!!!"
Sasori, in the background: "Get off me you *****!!!"
Sakura: "EXCUSE ME?!"
Sasori: "You heard me.....*
*The massacre resumes*
Over on Itachi's journey, where he is now at the desert.
Itachi: "Time to capture this jinjuriki....."
*Itachi looks at the desert*
Itachi: "I will not be walking this desert. The sand is already irritating my skin. Seems I'll have to use *that* jutsu....."
(A car drives by and appraoches Itachi)
Itachi: "Good lord..I didn't want to resort to this, but I must. Sexy no Jutsu!"
(As the smoke clears, Itachi's appearances changes...none whatsoever.)
Itachi: "Hm, I should've expected this."
(The car slows down and stops)
Car Girl: "Want a ride?"
Itachi: "Yes."
(Itachi throws her out of the car.)
Itachi: "Thank you."
(Itachi drives away)
Car Girl: "Will you have *** with me?!!?"
(Itachi drives back to the lady)
Itachi: "No."
(Itachi drives away)
At home, in the living room...
Kisame: "Hello? Where is everyone.....?"
Tobi: "I don't know, maybe they went outside. Tobi thinks so!"
Kisame: "It's worth a shot..."
(They walk towards the door, but stop at the window)
Tobi: "AhhhhHH!!!! Kisame, don't look, but their is a zombie outside our door!!"
Kisame: "I am so looking."
(Kisame looks and see's a guy with no arms, messed up teeth, bleeding, and has a "zombie look.")
Kisame: "Ahhh! Tobi! We have to hide!"
Tobi: "Or you could fight them off using Samehada...."
Kisame: "Don't joke around now! This is life and death! Now, let's go hide under our beds!"
Tobi: "NO! I will not let a zombie scare me!"
(Tobi slowly peeks out the window, sees the zombie and looks back at Kisame.)
Tobi: "YES! I will let a Zombie scare me! Let's go!"
Kisame: "Hurry, go!"
(They leave. Outside the window.....The zombie is dispersed my smoke. In the smoke is Zetsu....)
Zetsu: (Black Half): "This will be fun......"
Zetsu : (White Half): "It'll be b**chin!"
Zetsu: (Black Half): "Don't curse man....just don't..."
Zetsu: (White Half): This seems like it should be reversed, but screw the rules! I have money!"
Zetsu: (Black Half): "Don't quote LittleKuriboh....I don't like him."
Zetsu: (White Half): "Me either. It just sounded right...."
Back at Itachi's journey....
Itachi: "I am making good timing. Now, I need to play some music. Seems like this place supports rock and country. Country is for imbreded fools. Rock it is."
(Itachi turns on the radio and relaxes.)
Itachi: "This Gaara of the Desert has no idea who is coming after him. He'll regret this. My brother nearly beat him, so I can do it in a millisecond. The nagain, I can do that to anyone. Hm....I wonder if the desert has cactus juice....I'll ask the merchants when I arrive in Suna.""
Back at the mall...
Hidan: "Man, breaking up Sasori and that chick was tough work. Good thing we had Konan with us. You didn't have to break her arm though."
Sasori: "YES! YES SHE DID! Thank you Konan, but why'd you break my arm for? Breaking both of our arms was un-necessary/"
Konan: "You're welcome. She was going to ruin my night because the guards wouldn't start the movie unless you two broke it up. God knows Deidara wasn't getting anywhere."
Pein: "I do know that, you're right."
Deidara, who's beaten up: "....I tried.....hm....."
Konan: "And Sasori, you had to do something to upset her. You don't upset young girls. She may not be the prettiest flower ever to have been bloomed, but she's a young girl in love. You should have respect."
Kakuzu: "Noted. Good stuff Konan."
Sasori: "Good....explanation..."
Hidan: "So, who wants to buy snacks?"
Konan: "Not Pein and I. We are going to get good seats for X-Men."
Sasori: "Well, I'm too beaten up to go. My arm is broken!"
Deidara: "I'm beaten up pretty bad too, hm. So, that leaves you, Kakuzu, and Hidan. Good luck, heh."
*They leave Hidan And Kakuzu*
Hidan: "Damnit! Well, let's do this."
Kakuzu: "And make it quick...."
Back at home, underneath Tobi's bed......
Tobi: "Kisame! We do we do?!"
Kisame: "Perhaps we should take up a religion! God can save us!"
Tobi: "There isn't a church for miles! Tobi is scared!"
Kisame: "Then we have no choice....."
Tobi: "We continue hiding? That sounds like an awesome plan!"
Kisame: "We fight."
Tobi: "BUT THERE'S HUNDREDS OF THEM!"
Kisame: "There's only one...."
Tobi: "Still, its a zombie! A brain eating Zombie!"
Kisame: "Let's get geared up! We have guns right?"
Tobi: "Water guns."
Kisame: "They'll have to do. This should be fun..."
Tobi: "No....it won't....."
Back on Itachi's journey....
Itachi: "The Hidden Sand Village...or Suna, depending on your subs and dubs. The Kazekage is here somewhere, preferably in the Kazekage mansion.....But first, to the merchant..."
(Itachi parks the car and goes to a merchant)
Itachi: "Do you people sell cactus juice?"
Merchant: "Yes, yes we do."
(The merchant turns around and it's....Kabuto."
Itachi: "Kabuto? What happened to your job at Walmart?"
Kabuto: "I was fired
"Itachi: "For child molestation?"
Kabuto: "No, for mis-placing the key to the store....."
Itachi: "That was the last thing I would've though of."
Kabuto: "I know. I'm very neat."
Itachi: "Can I have my Cactus Juice now?"
*Kabuto heads him the juice*
Kabuto: "Be careful. It's some hard stuff."
Itachi: "I can handle it. See you later, Kabuto."
Kabuto: "Bye, Itachi!"
Back at home....
(Kisame and Tobi are dressed like armymen, and have water guns strapped to their backs.)
Kisame: "Tobi...The enemy awaits us. Are you ready?"
Tobi: "GAWD NO!!!"
Kisame: "Me either...Want to go play Ultimate Ninja?"
Tobi: "Sure! Maybe the zombie got bored and left anyways!"
Back at the movies, in the theater....
Konan: "These snacks are delicious. Thanks Hidan, and Kakuzu."
Hidan: "You better like them! They were hard to get, with Kakuzu b**ching about the price and all!"
Kakuzu: "40 ryo for candy is a problem...."
Deidara: "Who cares!? This is movie time!"
Pein: "Magneto is awesome. He's not evil, but the world thinks he is. Some people just don't understand."
Sasori: "Hey! I like Professor Xavier! But Magneto is a bad-a**, I agree."
Hidan: "All right! Angel looks sexy!"
Pein: "She does look beautiful...., but not as my angel."
*Pein kisses Konan*
Hidan: "Why do you two always do that? I always get the vibe one day I'll be watching a live porno!"
Kakuzu: "Deidara, remind me to carry a video recorder at all times. If it happens, it could be worth alot."
Deidara: "That's gross man."
Kakuzu: "True, but the money is worth it."
Sasori: "Forget money! X-Men is on!"
Hidan: "This movie is amazing! Look! Beast is tearing that guy's legs off and making him eat em! Ah, classic beast!"
Kakuzu: "I hope Xavier dies."
Konan: "This is set in the past. He can't die."
Pein: "I'd be happy."
Konan: "So would I, but it won't happen."
Inner Konan: "C'mon Magneto! Kick his as*!"
Later.....in the parking lot
Konan: "That movie was amazing! It really sets up the trilogy."
Pein: "I agree. This'll be an night I'll never forget. Konan, X-Men, nothing can go wrong!"
Hidan: "Hey! Sakura Haruno! Sasori's wants you!"
Sasori: "Where do you even see her?"
Hidan: "I don't, but hey, you never know!"
Deidara: "I hope she kills you this time, hm."
Kakuzu: "Let's get go....ing....."
(Kakuzu watches on as Sakura attacks Sasori)
Hidan: "See? Told ya!"
Konan: "I'm not breaking this one up. I got to see the movie of the year, and me with my love."
Pein: "But, let's stay and watch."
Kakuzu: "My money's on Sakura! Any bets?"
Sasori: "Help me!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sakura: "Listen here. You WILL date me!"
Sasori: "Just kill me!"
(Sakura goes to stab his heart with a kunai.)
Sasori: "WAIT!"
Sakura: "What?"
Sasori: "I..need...to tell you something..."
Sakura: "Is it that you love me?"
Sasori: "No....Deidara does..."
Sakura: "So? He's ugly! You're who I want!"
Deidara: "Hey! I'm-"
*Sakura looks at Deidara, evily*
Deidara: "Later!"
*Deidara runs away towards the car while Sakura begins to kiss Sasori."
Sasori: "Help me!"
Hidan: "I don't want to watch to guys make out!"
Konan: "Nice burn, but you might want to run now."
Hidan: "What're you going to do?"
Konan: "Nothing, but.....*Looks at Sakura*
*Sakura attacks Hidan*
Sakura: "Listen, you god loving pr*ck! I'll kick your a** all night if I have to! Apologize you a**hole!"
Hidan: "Oh, get over it, you b*tch."
*Sakura resumes punching him*
Konan: "Ah, waht a perfect night. Let's go home, Pein."
Pein: "Okay."
*They hold hands and walk way*
Kakuzu: "Well, let's go Sasori. This fight's winner is predictable."
Sasori: "Agreed.....*Looks at Hidan* Thanks buddy."
*They leave"
Hidan: "YOU A**HOLES!!!!!!"
Back at home.....
Tobi: "This game is awesome!"
Kisame: "I can't believe they have everyone from Part 1 and Part 2! I love being the Sound Four! Why are you always Madara Uchiha?"
Tobi: "Because he is a beast! Tobi loves him!"
*The movie goers return home*
Deidara: "Hidan got his butt kicked, and I missed it. My luck, hm"
Konan: "It was a perfect ending to the perfect night."
Pein: "Konan, let's get so rest. I'll have to blog about the movie tomorrow. I need my energy."
Konan: "I'll help you!"
*They leave*
Sasori: "I need some nails t fix my arm....Kakuzu, can you help me?"
Kakuzu: "Sure...but why was Zetsu on the ground outside passed out......?"
*They leave*
Deidara: "How was Itachi's little hunt?"
Kisame: "He never came home..."
Tobi: "Tobi thinks he's having an awesome time!"
In Suna......
Itachi, who is only wearing his underwear which has his face on it: "I love cactus juice!" Sooths the soul and the mind. Drink Cactus juice! The Uchiha God says so!"
*Gaara walks outside and looks at Itachi*
Gaara: "What's going on here...?"
Kabuto: "He couldn't handle the cactus juice...."
Itachi: "Cactus Juice!!!!"
The End
Hope you enjoyed. This was a little gift for me reaching 1000 posts
I had inspiration. I think it's WAY better than my last one. I could've done alot better, but honestly, I am so proud of this one. Please review!
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