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[Adventure] Jinchuriki Chironicles: Fū of the Nanabi [Chapter 1]

Beifong

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Name: Fū
Gender: Female
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Hidden Village: Takigakure
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My name is Fu and i'm 16 years old Girl. I was born in Takigakure, a village full of waterfalls.
I'm the fourth jinchuriki of the Nanabi, the first 2 was from sunagakure but after the great 2 war takigakure kidnapped the jinchuriki and killed him. After the nanabi was released it was captured and sealed into takigakure's leader (he was also called the Takikage).
One day the Takikage was found dead with a note in his hand saying:
Greetings fellow shinobis of the hidden waterfall village.
As you know all after my death the Nanabi will reform after few days. I had a vision that it must be sealed within a baby that will be born 7 days after my death. This baby will get the power to have full control over the Nanabi. This person should be taken care of because if the Nanbi is taken it will be a great loss for Takigakure.​

This person was fated to be me. I was born 1 week after his death. My mother and father never wanted their kid to become the jinchuriki and they wanted to kill me but their love for their baby prevented them from doing this.
2 days after my birth, the Nanabo reformed and started flying over takigakure and destroyed everything in front of it here and there. A hero called Fuzuke was able to capture the Nanabi and seal it inside me as the Takikage's prophecy's said after a great battle that continued in the skies of Takigakure for 3 hours but due to Fuzuke's serious injuries he died few days after the battle. Fuzuke was the strongest one in takigakure then, he was about to be the Takikage, but he died because of the Nanabi.. no!!, because of me!!

The people of Takigakure blamed me for everything happened to them, even if it wasn't my fault at all. Fuzuke Died because of me. Taki was destroyed because of too. For them i was nothing but a Monster.. Only a monster..

_________________​

Emm.. this is my first FF at all.. any CnC will be appreciated..
 
Sir Aaron

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Alright, HHHEEEEERRRREEEESSS REVIEW TIME!

So, you are a first timer huh? I might go easier (even though I am a bit easy) on you. First problem: Grammar.

Here is a revised first paragraph:

My name is Fuu and I'm a 16 year old girl. I am from Takigakure, or the Village of Waterfall's.
I am the fourth jinnchuriki of the Nanabi. The first two were from Sunagakure, however, after the Second Great Shinobi World War, Takigakure kidnapped the jinchuriki and killed him. Once the Nanabi was released, it was captured and sealed into Takigakure's leader (he was also known as the Takikage).

I's are always capitalized, along with nouns such as places and names.

Number's under 15 should be written out. It's just an unwritten rule.

Second Thing wrong: Description

You should describe Fuu, using her hair color, hair length, clothes, etc. in your first paragraph, among the other description problems in the other paragraphs.

Third: Elaboration.

Give more of a back-story on what took place in the second world war and the release of the Nanabi. It should provide excellent basing for your story and your readers on what the Nanabi is and what the Jinchuriki is.

Fourth: Hmmm, maybe Length? I always say length.


Total score out of ten (see): 2/10

You achieved two points for: Concept and organization


I'm not trying to shoot down your confidence, I'm just trying to help!
 
Beifong

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DoubleA49 said:
Alright, HHHEEEEERRRREEEESSS REVIEW TIME!

So, you are a first timer huh? I might go easier (even though I am a bit easy) on you. First problem: Grammar.

Here is a revised first paragraph:

My name is Fuu and I'm a 16 year old girl. I am from Takigakure, or the Village of Waterfall's.
I am the fourth jinnchuriki of the Nanabi. The first two were from Sunagakure, however, after the Second Great Shinobi World War, Takigakure kidnapped the jinchuriki and killed him. Once the Nanabi was released, it was captured and sealed into Takigakure's leader (he was also known as the Takikage).

I's are always capitalized, along with nouns such as places and names.

Number's under 15 should be written out. It's just an unwritten rule.

Second Thing wrong: Description

You should describe Fuu, using her hair color, hair length, clothes, etc. in your first paragraph, among the other description problems in the other paragraphs.

Third: Elaboration.

Give more of a back-story on what took place in the second world war and the release of the Nanabi. It should provide excellent basing for your story and your readers on what the Nanabi is and what the Jinchuriki is.

Fourth: Hmmm, maybe Length? I always say length.


Total score out of ten (see): 2/10

You achieved two points for: Concept and organization


I'm not trying to shoot down your confidence, I'm just trying to help!
Click to expand...
Thank you for those advices.. i'm aware that i'm not fluent in english.. i was told that i should work on my typing skills many times
I'll try to make the next chapter better
 
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