Insenia – The year 3105

[Dieter]

Bullshit:

Spoiler

Hello everyone!

First off, English isn't my native language. So expect some spelling- and grammar mistakes. But i think it ain't that bad. I did read some story's on the forum, and i must say i like some of them. But i won't write in the style that you guys are used to.

I see a lot of people writing like this:

Sethron: Hello!
Neodem: Hey, Sethron. We meet again.

Like you are in a chatroom, lol. Now i have nothing against this, but i wont be writing like that. Maybe there is a reason that everybody writes like that here. If so, i'd like to hear it!

This is my first story ever and this is just the begin. I'd like to make it WAY more complex. With a lot more characters in it. But this is just to see if people will actually like it and how i can improve my writing skills.

So please read it and leave some honest feedback.


Insenia – The year 3105

“Sethron, stop! He is not worth it!” screams Neodem at the battlefield of the Glysen Mountains in Insenia, where dead people are covering the ground with their own blood and only 3 people are left standing on their feet. “Neodem, don’t stop me! I will do this! He has to pay for what he did to my planet! If you interfere I will not hold back!” says Sethron while he holds on his 2 blades made of red orai crystal from his home planet Kyiro. Now nothing but silence on the battlefield until Sethron suddenly moves forward as fast as the wind heading towards the wounded Emperor. He looks the wounded Emperor in the eyes as he swings both his blades ready to slay his head off. But then he unexpected sees Neodem’s shield crafted out of gold anos crystal of Neodem’s home planet Axerion heading his way. He tries so avoid it but it’s too late and he takes the shield to his chest. He flies away and feels how his armor crafted out of white orai crystal breaks into pieces. He lands with his back on the ground, hurt, but tries to hide it and says; “Neodem, why are you doing this? You know how many innocent people he killed! We can stop this, right now! Just let me kill him!”. Neodem looks Sethron in the eyes and replies “Sorry, I can’t let you do that. He is as anyone else, and deserves a fair process. Don’t worry, he won’t be out any time soon.” Sethron looks at the ground disappointed and confused. “That’s easy for you to say, Neodom. You are the child of a King.” Says Sethron as he raises his head to stare into Neodem’s eyes. “But if you won’t let me do this… I guess that makes us enemy’s from now on.” Says Sethron with sadness in his voice, and grabs a knife from his pocket and throws it at Neodem. Neodem can’t believe Sethron is really doing this, and gets hit in his left arm. Neodem quickly runs towards the Emperor, lifts him with his right arm and walks toward his ship. “I can’t let you do that!” screams Sethron as he tries to get back up. But suddenly feels pain in his right leg. Looks down and sees a blade from a death warrior pierced trough his leg. He sees the gate from the ship closing and screams “You won’t get away with this!” but doesn’t get any answer from Neodem as the ship flies away. Sethron still in pain looks at his wound and sees the blood coming out of his flesh covering the ground with it. His body is getting weak, his face pale and eyes blurry. The last thing he sees is moving someone towards him but before he can see who it is, he passes out.

 

[Dieter]

C'mon even if you didn't like it. Just tell me.

 

[Sarahhh]

Hey.

I did kinda like it. But too short to really tell. You gonna write more?

X

 

[YoItsJo]

1) SPACE IT OUT. PARAGRAPHS! PAR-A-GRAPHS!

People see a mountain of text and they're discouraged, more often than not. Learn to space things out. Some of your sentences are also a little long.

2) You hopped right into it. Like, right into it.

You put the name of a character right in the very first sentence. Describe them a tiny bit first.

+1) The entire thing is in present tense.

So many people go back between present and past. Glad you stayed with one.

3) You should, only in certain instances, and very few at that, start sentences with the word but.

But suddenly feels pain in his right leg.

4) Line up your words with logic and the natural order of things.

...his face pale and eyes blurry.

Vision. Not eyes.

5) Get yourself a spell checker/grammar corrector. Some things aren't right.

6) If it's the year 3105, you definitely could have described the landscape and world better.

You said something about mountains in the very beginning, alright, but what's the general condition of the planet at this point?

+2) You left it off at a cliff hanger. That's something.


I liked it, more or less, and although it's short I'm not gonna criticize that. Go at your own pace. Kukapow. Thanks for a read, but right more.

 

[Dieter]

Hey

Yes, i did hop right in because of the story i'm trying to tell.
The beginning is actually also the end. Well... They both are friends who defeat the emperor and there is peace... But Sethron would like to kill the emperor for what he did to his planet and people. While Neodem thinks everyone deserves a trial.

Now you are right, i should've gone more in detail. Like the planet... I was thinking about writing like 1 page just about how the planet looks like. (and about other planets)

Being creative and coming up with a good story isn't the problem for me. That's the easy part. The hard part is trying to write everything you think about. And this in a language that isn't your native. haha.

Thanks for noticing i actually stayed ine time. (present) I know a lot of people have problems with this when they start out writing. I'm not gonna lie, i do have some experience in writing because i rap. And rap is just telling a story while rhyming right? haha I do this in my native language tho..

Thanks for the feedback!

Edit: Sorry for all this text! lol. But one more question.
Why does everyone write like this:

Sethron: Hey
Neodem: hello
Sethron: how u doin?

Like its a chat room

 

[Sasuke4115]

where a ur paragraphs???

 

[YoItsJo]

Hey

Yes, i did hop right in because of the story i'm trying to tell.
The beginning is actually also the end. Well... They both are friends who defeat the emperor and there is peace... But Sethron would like to kill the emperor for what he did to his planet and people. While Neodem thinks everyone deserves a trial.

Now you are right, i should've gone more in detail. Like the planet... I was thinking about writing like 1 page just about how the planet looks like. (and about other planets)

Being creative and coming up with a good story isn't the problem for me. That's the easy part. The hard part is trying to write everything you think about. And this in a language that isn't your native. haha.

Thanks for noticing i actually stayed ine time. (present) I know a lot of people have problems with this when they start out writing. I'm not gonna lie, i do have some experience in writing because i rap. And rap is just telling a story while rhyming right? haha I do this in my native language tho..

Thanks for the feedback!

Edit: Sorry for all this text! lol. But one more question.
Why does everyone write like this:

Sethron: Hey
Neodem: hello
Sethron: how u doin?

Like its a chat room

Dunno. They're lazy? Less work? I really have no clue; I'd be embarrassed to do it that way. But I'm glad you didn't! And... DON'T SPOIL ANYTHING ELSE! I was going to READ this, you know! But...

The planet thing: I know how you feel. About two years ago I was writing my own original story that dealt with the universe and planetary things... It was going great.. Until my computer crashed -___- Chapter Eleven, man.. Chapter Eleven! I was so angry. But anyway... If you ever want any help actually putting your story down for things like that, message me! I'll help :3

Ahh, and the rap thing... You know what? Rap: catchy storytelling.

where a ur paragraphs???

He knows already, but, ah.. Good eye? ^____^