Hikari no Tsuki

Hikari Uchiha Senju

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A pupil of an eye


As the night swallowed the ancient forest around Konoha and the fog rised above the springs the Hyuuga mansion gates closed outside world. Though it may have looked like a peaceful place to many viewers and to most of its inhabitants, the Huuga mansion was, in that time a rather dangerous place to be, especially for their servants. Hitomi was one of the children who served this old clan since she was just a little girl, and she was grateful for it because if it weren't for the Hyuugas she would've been dead a long time ago. She was told her parents died in a raging forest fire while collecting plants and since they were the Hyuuga clan's servants, it would've been dishonourable for them not to keep the child within the clan's staff. Eversince then, Hitomi started forgiving them their vile behaviour, because she knew well that if she messed up she had no place to go, no family, no friends- no one. And due that in her mind appeared a thought "They are just pushing me to my limits, but it's going to make me stronger. I know it, they are just bad teachers... But every student leaves its teacher, and I am going to do so. Just a matter of time."

On her eighth birthday she made the first step to her goal. She was walking trough the corridors and accidentally ran into a training of two young Hyuugas. Hitomi stood frighten and as soon as she was about to apologise the female said: "You must not tell the leader. If you do, I will kill you."
"I, I understand. I won't tell a soul." she replied and as she was turning around, someone grabbed her by the shoulder.
"And how would we know that?" a male voice asked.
"W..well..." her voice started trembling.
"What exactly do you have in mind Sora-kun?" the female asked.
"Oh my dear Yumi, you're so naive" he started explaining " You see, I'm just afraid she doesn't think we're serious. Maybe we should show her what we can do."
"Oh, quite a deduction" she said with a frown, and than ordered Hitomi to sit.
As the two fought passionately Hitomi absorbed their every movement. She was amazed by their speed, accuracy, strength. And at one point she decided that she wants to become a ninja. Not just to free herself, but to free all mankind.
So she waited for the Academy's new entering cycle to begin and, in those months, she had practiced all the moves she had seen in the fight of Sora and Yumi, hoping to be the best student in no time.

Finally, the new school year began and Hitomi felt excited as she never was before. She and the rest of the new students sat down in one classrooms that was from that point their own. The sensei now made a short prologue to what will be expexting them in the upcoming year which Hitomi listent to carefully yet she thought it was unnecessary. Than, everyone introduced themselves to the class; when the turn came for her, she stood up and proudly said "I am Hitomi Tsumi and I want to become a ninja to help all the people who are in need of it." Her purple eyes sparkled as she sat down and her heart beat like a drum, she didn't ecen hear the names of others in her class.
That day there were no practices, they just asked questions and their sensei told them a short history of the village and Hitomi immediately started admiring all of the hokages, but especially the first."He was so strong and kind. I hope to be like him, or even better!"

When she came "home" the master was furious about something so she took a huge bow and asked if she could do anything for him today. Luckily, she was given only a few soft punches for being late and forgetting her obligations as a servant, than sent off to the nursery room to keep the two himes entertained while the rest of the clan is on a meeting. Hitomi was surprised to hear this because she was never given this assignment before, and what was even more confusing was the fact that she is only two years older from Hinata-hime, but she was also kinda relieved because she was not given a cleaning assignment, she wanted to keep her strength for tomorrow.
As she came into the nursery she saw Kokoa-hime tucking in her younger child. Hitomi didn't know how to react to this image, she never even spoke to the master's wife before. So, again, she bowed and explainded thet she was sent by the master. On her surprise, the mistress was very kind, on the contrary to her looks, she just tapped her head and said "I supposed that" with a smile. After giving Hitomi information about the youngsters she went to the door and, just before she closed ther, she gave Hitomi a tiny hairbrush "For your hair to be even more beautiful." the mistress said. "T-Thank you very much." Hitomi replied with a dash of excitement- she had thought her light blue hair was weird and too thin, so she was glad to see someone liked it.
Not soon after that, Himata-hime came into the room. Hitomi bowed saying she is here to keep an eye on her and her siter on which Hinata gave no real respond, but a mumble. Noticing that the hime is shy, she took a bunch of colored pencils and asked if she would like to draw or play a game, on what she got a response that Hinata is not good at either of those.
"Homestly, hime, I am bad at both myself...but we could still try, right?"
Hinata smiled and agreed to that statement. So they played and Hitomi let Hinata win and intentionally drew funny stuff ro make her smile. "Too bad that a nice girl like this is going to become someone so cold...she has to, she's the next higher. " was the thought that went trough her head. Than, after a while there was a knock on the door and the mistress came in. She took Hinata and Hanabi, who was still asleep, and said that Hitomi did a nice job so she might find herself doing it again sometime.

After this mostly everyone has gone to bed, apart from some servants who had some jobs in the forest and the lake.

Next day came, but for Hitomi the last one didn't even end because she didn't sleep at all. "Souch for my rest, haha." she thought. On the way to Academy she was stopped by a girl whose name she didn't remember, but was sure she had seen her yesterday. They went together and exchanged their thoughts on the teacher and the new stuff they are going to learn. As soon as they arrived, the class was ready to start that day's lession. It was a hand practice, but nothing like what Hitomi has seen in the fight of the two Hyuugas, this was more slow and simple kind of thing.
"Satoshi-sensei!"
"Yes Tsumi-chan?"
"When are we gonna learn the real deal? This exercise is boring!" she said.
The sensei was stunt but replied calmly: "You just aren't ready yet. In order to become a good ninja it is essential to follow every step of thw training, so you can understand how your body and chakra work."
Hitomi noded feeling a bit dissatisfied with the answer.
At the break she just sat down on a bench hidden behind a wall hopin not to be bothered by anyone, but than she felt something sting her on the both sides of her ribs.
A scream unwilingly came from her mouth, than someone laughed. It was the same girl who she met on the way to Academy.
"Ohhhh, it's you um..." she stopped because she couldn't remember her name.
"Hahah and who else would it beee?" the girl replied with a wide smile.
"I don't know, maybe an enemy trying to kill everyone."
"The only thing that's killed here is fun."
Hitomi giggled.
"Now that's better!!!" said the girl than added " So, you didn't hear me sneaking up on you?"
"No, not like I was listening, but still...."
"Good, than my training has payed off."
"How long do you train?"
"About six weeks now. I've advanced really well, at least my cousin says so."
"I'm sure he's not lying. You're quite good. How did you improve so fast?"
"Well I'll tell you what my cousin said to me. He said 'Listen Ayame, you just have to concentrate and think like you're a part of nature.....' "
"Awwwww yeahhhhh, finally the name!!!" Hitomi thought.
And so the chat went for a long time and Ayame mostly did the talking, but Hitomi liked all that randomness and especially the positive energy which was coming from her bubbly hazel eyes. "I guess she's ok to hang lut witt, makes all the boring stuff go faster."
...

After the whole year of practicing the final moment has finally came- it's the time to choose those who will become genins.
 
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FaHaD 5212

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Okay, I know I'm long overdue here, but here's my reply.

Now don't get me wrong, this story has a lot of potential and is written quite well along with having an excellent plot. It's just that I personally don't actually read fanfictions which focus the Hyuga clan and don't have Naruto (a smarter version mind you) as a main character. If my personal tastes were different, I would follow this story quite closely.

Now, since the plot and related stuff is done right, let's move on to grammar. Yes, cruel and evil grammar.
You didn't make many mistakes, just a few 'hiccups', as a friend of mine would call them, which can easily be fixed (much like the mistakes in my own work).
A few examples,
You wrote 'Homestly' instead of 'Honestly', at one point 'Himata instead of 'Hinata' and wrote 'Eversince' together instead of 'Ever since'. Under normal circumstances, these little mistakes are ignored, as has happened for me, however be keen to fix them because some readers do not appreciate mistakes and consider you inefficient. I recommend that you slowly do one last read of your work before uploading, this roots out most mistakes and the few that are left can be dealt with after a random re-read (which is what I do), however I recommend to (as I also aim to do) correct all mistakes before uploading.

Anyway, you've got a story with great potential. Put in dedicated effort and it's gonna be popular. I'm sorry but I won't read further chapters unless it's in a contest, as it doesn't fit my personal preference.
 

Michael92

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The following post will be off-topic, sorry. I just had to reply to the following post...

Okay, I know I'm long overdue here, but here's my reply.

Now don't get me wrong, this story has a lot of potential and is written quite well along with having an excellent plot. It's just that I personally don't actually read fanfictions which focus the Hyuga clan and don't have Naruto (a smarter version mind you) as a main character. If my personal tastes were different, I would follow this story quite closely.

Now, since the plot and related stuff is done right, let's move on to grammar. Yes, cruel and evil grammar.
You didn't make many mistakes, just a few 'hiccups', as a friend of mine would call them, which can easily be fixed (much like the mistakes in my own work).
A few examples,
You wrote 'Homestly' instead of 'Honestly', at one point 'Himata instead of 'Hinata' and wrote 'Eversince' together instead of 'Ever since'. Under normal circumstances, these little mistakes are ignored, as has happened for me, however be keen to fix them because some readers do not appreciate mistakes and consider you inefficient. I recommend that you slowly do one last read of your work before uploading, this roots out most mistakes and the few that are left can be dealt with after a random re-read (which is what I do), however I recommend to (as I also aim to do) correct all mistakes before uploading.

Anyway, you've got a story with great potential. Put in dedicated effort and it's gonna be popular. I'm sorry but I won't read further chapters unless it's in a contest, as it doesn't fit my personal preference.
I see you have been taking notes, my Apprentice... Good, use your anger. The dark side is strong in you :rolleyes: xd On an entirely different note, this review was pretty good despite the fact that it didn't match your preferences. Seems like you've become as serious as I am now. I like this change in you, haha ;D
 

FaHaD 5212

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The following post will be off-topic, sorry. I just had to reply to the following post...



I see you have been taking notes, my Apprentice... Good, use your anger. The dark side is strong in you :rolleyes: xd On an entirely different note, this review was pretty good despite the fact that it didn't match your preferences. Seems like you've become as serious as I am now. I like this change in you, haha ;D
I is no apprentice, I is master... I is above and beyond puny dark side!!!:lmao:

Hmm? I think that this review is still lacking on a few aspects though but I can excuse myself with lack of interest I guess.

U no serius, U lazy nd flippant xd. I alwys serius, u too lazy to notice :xD:.

Anyway, since you're here I figured you would add your two cents (usually a dollar due to length) on this.

Thanks for the review. Your opinion is completely ok. I'm glad you told me what you think. I'll try to improve!
Thanks for understanding =D.
 
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