happy, love and sad poems (a ode, elegy and lyric poem)

izinagi54

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each of these hold a special meaning to my heart... for i have family in the army and i had a grandfather whom 3 years ago lost his battle with lukiemia (blood cancer)... i also had love but lost it.

the ones who give their lives (a ode)
may you go forth
like wind from the divines
to meet the skies

the strong may never grow tire
may you not lay in the quagmire
give it your all
go onto the walls

see the light
in the cold dusk bright
may darkness not hold you tonight

my grandpa :( (elegy)
to whom the stubbron
may you rest
lest you be weary

god and heaven above
take the soul
to the angles above

for he cared
he loved the childern

may you take him under wing
like a arm to a sling
nuture the poor mans soul
in order to make him whole

love a divine needle (lyric)
lover swirl
like a whril
a motion so divine
like a needle with a line

swirving and curving
to make a cloth called love
to show the heavens above

look upon the man and woman
just as they sit in the motion
weeving their love
like silk from spider thread
so smooth and plain
as man was made in bane
to call a name
 

Yerrina

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In the first stanza; the wind is coming from the Divine, God, so from the skies, how can it go back to the skies? Are those people coming from a higher place near God, and the lowest they can reach is Sky?

In the second stanza, its grow tireD not tire. So it won't rhyme really, so you either change it(the line) or write it with no rhyme(As tired) to express your troubled state when you wrote it.

You do have some grammatical mistakes here and there in your grandfather's elegy, Children, not childern. and Man's soul, not Mans soul. "Loved the children" seem very detached, and so is the poem. Try to make the poem a bit more personal. Funny enough I also lost my grandfather three years ago, but he died of old age. You should write more about memories you had with him, I think I would that. I am sure what you feel towards him is so much more than this elegy.

I would have liked to see your poems with punctuation marks. For example in the first poem, to make an emphasize on the word bright write it as "in the cold dusk, bright". You may also capitalize the words you want to emphasize.


Great effort and Good Luck ~ :izuna:
 
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