Halo : 2552

[Never]

First Ever Fanfiction. Do I deserve a Prefix? xd
It really is for Halo fans, the Jargon used is gonna be hard for those who ain't Halo fans 3:
I hope there is a lot of you and if you want to know what time period it is set in!
2552 xd the years of Halo 2 and 3 on Earth!!! :3


Chapter 1 ~ 'Were it so easy'

Eyes blurred a blazing orange, recognizable even with the vision I have at this moment, as it grew clearer I could see the wrecking fires that coloured the crippled Pelican; well...when I say crippled I mean scrapped. Using one of the detached seats I hold myself up steadying so I don't stumble and stand for a couple of seconds of switching on time, then slowly making my way to the natural light coming from the end of the pelican. Maneuvering over the chunks of metal and bodies of my dead squad-mate I lean down swiping up an Assault rifle, checking the ammo clip, loaded, and cocked it, ready for what ever was out there. Finally stepping into the light, using what used to be floor of the Pelican, now a wall, I used to hold myself up and adjust to the brightness of this new scenario. Nothing, just some rocks a little cliff side and grass...great.

"Sir" after a couple of moments that is what I recall, turning to see a Marine sitting near me against a wing of the pelican, holding his sprained leg, "Sir! where is the rallying point?" He said to me and I looked at him, but waited a couple seconds to process what he just asked me, " The Ride that we kinda crashed in, was meant to take us to the rallying point, so I don't know!" I exclaimed, swinging my gesturing arms about. Another Marine on the other side of me was standing up holding his Sniper rifle, which looked so big in his hands it was like a grunt holding a fuel rod gun, they shouldn't but they do,"you got any Idea?" I asked, and he just shook his head and looked on forward like he was before...great.

"Move out!!" the next thing I heard from the dull moments that came after, "Stop sitting on your back sides and go kick some Alien ass!" the voice commanded, ringing through my ear it awakened past training exercise memories, immediately making me get up and stand to attention "Yes sir!" I replied and he just looked at me as I stood there, his mouth opening sucking in air to let out his next bellowing command "Well the longer you stay there! The more chance you get to become a Plasma Magnet!! Move it!!" I quickly held the assault rifle in the correct positioning and ran forward, against the cliff side, three soldiers in front of me, the captain behind me, then I realized - Where the hell did they come from? Must have just found us, the original marine were still there, the one with the sniper rifle and other with the duffed leg as he was the one limping in front of me, so I guessed it was them two, but now we gained two more marines...if I wasn't so 'out of it' then I would know how they got here, Oh well, that's good. I guess.

No that is not good! I sat there behind the Metal Barricade cover, plasma shots smacking into it leaving minor burns, that would have a different affect if it was my flesh! Two men down and now there is only three of us, again, the Sniper and the captain. Would have been safer staying at the Pelican.

Hope you guys liked it D: please...be gentle.

 

[Dickey Mouse]

I can't read this, it goes against everything I believe in as what I am or used to be, (doesn't matter so you decide)

I'll abide by the mass majority but, driving full throttle off a road, will certainly help you crash

Now I'm not saying I will be a meanie that will judge you, cause you already said it... so why repeat myself?

 

[AlexUchina]

I like it!

 

[ikikouchiha9668]

I can't read this, it goes against everything I believe in as what I am or used to be, (doesn't matter so you decide)

I'll abide by the mass majority but, driving full throttle off a road, will certainly help you crash

Now I'm not saying I will be a meanie that will judge you, cause you already said it... so why repeat myself?

My big brother's ff was amazing mister and if you don't have anything nice to say pwease don't say it at all! Don't be mean to him you meanie head..

 

[Tsuna...]

I thought it was a good first try
Good description few spelling mistakes here and there
but with each new chapter comes improvement so keep going

 

[Shinobi Train]

Good job...wish it was longer though. xd I think theres a few sentences that are...run-ons. xd Don't worry, I have to fight myself constantly to keep that from happening. Great job! ^_^

I can't read this, it goes against everything I believe in as what I am or used to be, (doesn't matter so you decide)

I'll abide by the mass majority but, driving full throttle off a road, will certainly help you crash

Now I'm not saying I will be a meanie that will judge you, cause you already said it... so why repeat myself?

Hey, this is my foot. Here foot, meet arse.

You must be registered for see images

 

[Never]

I like it!

Thanks a lot!

My big brother's ff was amazing mister and if you don't have anything nice to say pwease don't say it at all! Don't be mean to him you meanie head..

Thanks too! xd

I thought it was a good first try
Good description few spelling mistakes here and there
but with each new chapter comes improvement so keep going

Thanks bro!

Good job...wish it was longer though. xd I think theres a few sentences that are...run-ons. xd Don't worry, I have to fight myself constantly to keep that from happening. Great job! ^_^



Hey, this is my foot. Here foot, meet arse.

You must be registered for see images

haha thanks boss, means a lot. I do run on a lot, especially in essays uuuuuh

 

[Netsui]

I like it. ^^ I wish it were longer, because now I want to read more! :crazy:

 

[King Cobra]

Nooooooo not Halo that means you're a X-box guy noooooooooooooo :crazy:

However it's a good FF so u get points for that

 

[Kuroh]

I can't read this, it goes against everything I believe in as what I am or used to be, (doesn't matter so you decide)

I'll abide by the mass majority but, driving full throttle off a road, will certainly help you crash

Now I'm not saying I will be a meanie that will judge you, cause you already said it... so why repeat myself?

bro just leave man it was really good. u dont know what u talking about u dumb troll

 

[Shinobi Train]

Okay, I'll give a real crit if you want it, LA. I just have so many to give right now...and I feel bad for not doing them in order...

bro just leave man it was really good. u dont know what u talking about u dumb troll

You tell 'em!

 

[Seffy]

Ok so I find myself on this thread just to find some interesting things.

I can't read this, it goes against everything I believe in as what I am or used to be, (doesn't matter so you decide)

I'll abide by the mass majority but, driving full throttle off a road, will certainly help you crash

Now I'm not saying I will be a meanie that will judge you, cause you already said it... so why repeat myself?

Wow that's a bit harsh, for no real reason. It wasn't bad and I must say someone thinks he's hot stuff while over the internet. If you honestly didn't like it, then why bother wasting a post saying something? It would be different if you pointed out why it was bad. Picked out things in his ff that made it terrible in your opinion. However you presented no claims, so your argument is invalid.

On topic: LA don't let the post above bother you. It's not worth your time, really. >.>

Ok since it's short I will point out some of the mistakes to you and give you some proper C & C.

Eyes blurred a blazing orange, recognizable even with the vision I have at this moment, as it grew clearer I could see the wrecking fires that colored the crippled Pelican; well...when I say crippled I mean scrapped. (fixed the spelling of recognizable for you and also added a ; where you had a ,) Also who's eyes were blurred, yours? It just seems odd to start off that way.

Using one of the detached seats I hold myself up steadying so I don't stumble and stand for a couple of seconds of switching on time, then slowly making my way to the natural light coming from the end of the pelican, Maneuvering over the chunks of metal and bodies of my dead squad-mate I lean down swiping up an Assault rifle, checking the ammo clip, loaded, and cocked it, ready for what ever was out there.

^The above sentence is very long. You should break it up some. However since you had capitalized the M in maneuvering it seems as if you had every intention of doing so?

He said to me and I looked at him, but waited a couple seconds to process what he just asked me, (, should be a .)

Another Marine on the other side of me was standing up holding his Sniper rifle, which looked so big in his hands it was like a grunt holding a fuel rod gun, they shouldn't but they do,"you got any Idea?" I asked, and he just shook his head and looked on forward like he was before...great.

^Another run-on

"Move out!!" the next thing I heard from the dull moments that came after, "Stop sitting on your back sides and go kick some Alien ass!" the voice commanded, ringing through my ear it awakened past training exercise memories, immediately making me get up and stand to attention.

(added a .) One thing I'm noticing with your format is you don't state who is saying the dialogue but you give actions to them; more than once. To break away from this habit you should create characters for the dialogue and state what's going on only once.

"The more chance you get to become a Plasma Magnet!! Move it!!" First the more chances or the more likely you're going to become a.... Second the ! point shows the desired affect you want here so only one is needed. Using two is just over kill if that makes sense to you.

I quickly held the assault rifle in the correct positioning and ran forward, against the cliff side, three soldiers in front of me, the captain behind me, then I realized ..... Don't compensate , for sentences. It's ok to use them but not to prolong the thought. Your sentences are too long! As I'm reading them I find myself saying, "And then...." lol Don't be afraid to play around with the structure of the sentence, just try to make it flow smoother.

Two men down and now there is only three of us, again, the Sniper and the captain. Would have been safer staying at the Pelican. Oddly enough these two sentences need to be combine. You left the last one standing on it's own as an incomplete thought. >.>

Anyways you have much room for improvement and please don't take my words for being harsh; I just wish to see your writing get better. Personally I'm not that much of a fan of Halo but I was able to get the gist of what you were saying. ^_^ Your work could use some color, it just seems too black and white to me. Instead of telling the reader what's going on, paint us a picture! Get artistic and creative! =DD

Oh don't be afraid to put in some space either. Usually once someone has said something, you enter down to start a new line and continue on from that. It makes it much cleaner and doesn't look as jumbled; while leaving your writer less confused.

Well good luck and if you ever need anything, don't be afraid to ask. :hug: Sorry this C&C was a bit lazy. I was too tired to show you how you could re-write it to make it sound better.

 

[Shinobi Train]

LA, read TOC's post and understand...she's the best at giving crits.

 

[Tsuki]

Nooooooo not Halo that means you're a X-box guy noooooooooooooo :crazy:

However it's a good FF so u get points for that

oh? an Xbox guy? that's bad D: (just kidding )
_______________________________

It was alright, even thought I've never read a ff involing guns... so it was new ^^

 

[Tsuki]

Nooooooo not Halo that means you're a X-box guy noooooooooooooo :crazy:

However it's a good FF so u get points for that

oh? an Xbox guy? that's bad D: (just kidding )
_______________________________

It was alright, even thought I've never read a ff involing guns... so it was new ^^

 

[Never]

Ok so I find myself on this thread just to find some interesting things.


Wow that's a bit harsh, for no real reason. It wasn't bad and I must say someone thinks he's hot stuff while over the internet. If you honestly didn't like it, then why bother wasting a post saying something? It would be different if you pointed out why it was bad. Picked out things in his ff that made it terrible in your opinion. However you presented no claims, so your argument is invalid.

On topic: LA don't let the post above bother you. It's not worth your time, really. >.>

Ok since it's short I will point out some of the mistakes to you and give you some proper C & C.

Eyes blurred a blazing orange, recognizable even with the vision I have at this moment, as it grew clearer I could see the wrecking fires that colored the crippled Pelican; well...when I say crippled I mean scrapped. (fixed the spelling of recognizable for you and also added a ; where you had a ,) Also who's eyes were blurred, yours? It just seems odd to start off that way.

Using one of the detached seats I hold myself up steadying so I don't stumble and stand for a couple of seconds of switching on time, then slowly making my way to the natural light coming from the end of the pelican, Maneuvering over the chunks of metal and bodies of my dead squad-mate I lean down swiping up an Assault rifle, checking the ammo clip, loaded, and cocked it, ready for what ever was out there.

^The above sentence is very long. You should break it up some. However since you had capitalized the M in maneuvering it seems as if you had every intention of doing so?

He said to me and I looked at him, but waited a couple seconds to process what he just asked me, (, should be a .)

Another Marine on the other side of me was standing up holding his Sniper rifle, which looked so big in his hands it was like a grunt holding a fuel rod gun, they shouldn't but they do,"you got any Idea?" I asked, and he just shook his head and looked on forward like he was before...great.

^Another run-on

"Move out!!" the next thing I heard from the dull moments that came after, "Stop sitting on your back sides and go kick some Alien ass!" the voice commanded, ringing through my ear it awakened past training exercise memories, immediately making me get up and stand to attention.

(added a .) One thing I'm noticing with your format is you don't state who is saying the dialogue but you give actions to them; more than once. To break away from this habit you should create characters for the dialogue and state what's going on only once.

"The more chance you get to become a Plasma Magnet!! Move it!!" First the more chances or the more likely you're going to become a.... Second the ! point shows the desired affect you want here so only one is needed. Using two is just over kill if that makes sense to you.

I quickly held the assault rifle in the correct positioning and ran forward, against the cliff side, three soldiers in front of me, the captain behind me, then I realized ..... Don't compensate , for sentences. It's ok to use them but not to prolong the thought. Your sentences are too long! As I'm reading them I find myself saying, "And then...." lol Don't be afraid to play around with the structure of the sentence, just try to make it flow smoother.

Two men down and now there is only three of us, again, the Sniper and the captain. Would have been safer staying at the Pelican. Oddly enough these two sentences need to be combine. You left the last one standing on it's own as an incomplete thought. >.>

Anyways you have much room for improvement and please don't take my words for being harsh; I just wish to see your writing get better. Personally I'm not that much of a fan of Halo but I was able to get the gist of what you were saying. ^_^ Your work could use some color, it just seems too black and white to me. Instead of telling the reader what's going on, paint us a picture! Get artistic and creative! =DD

Oh don't be afraid to put in some space either. Usually once someone has said something, you enter down to start a new line and continue on from that. It makes it much cleaner and doesn't look as jumbled; while leaving your writer less confused.

Well good luck and if you ever need anything, don't be afraid to ask. :hug: Sorry this C&C was a bit lazy. I was too tired to show you how you could re-write it to make it sound better.

Thanks One chick! you say exactly what my english teacher says sometimes, I'll try my best, I always do

 

[darkaurora]

ok I liked it.... But there are a couple questions...... And the top and all dickey was doing was giving a honest opinion ....... I no that he was he said please be genial but he can't go through life expecting good reactions for every thing.... Sometimes it's good to be criticized and btw the only trolls I see in this post is uchiaboy and shinobi training .... Other wise good story assassin

 

[Never]

ok I liked it.... But there are a couple questions...... And the top and all dickey was doing was giving a honest opinion ....... I no that he was he said please be genial but he can't go through life expecting good reactions for every thing.... Sometimes it's good to be criticized and btw the only trolls I see in this post is uchiaboy and shinobi training .... Other wise good story assassin

I wouldn't say they were, and I know it's not great and people won't like it, dickey could have said it nicer :3

 

[Shinobi Train]

ok I liked it.... But there are a couple questions...... And the top and all dickey was doing was giving a honest opinion ....... I no that he was he said please be genial but he can't go through life expecting good reactions for every thing.... Sometimes it's good to be criticized and btw the only trolls I see in this post is uchiaboy and shinobi training .... Other wise good story assassin

Ummm...how were we trolling exactly? This is LA's first attempt at an FF...he needs real crits not the weird garbage that made no sense. :| That's what we call destructive criticism and it's not only considered rude, but all other artists of any kind immediately take massive offense to it. Them's fightin' words.