Echoes of a Scholar

[merule27]

Hey guys, I wrote a poem the other day and got some praise for it and advice. So i'm going to post it and if anyone has any questions, advice, or praise. Please feel free to do so

Treachery! Despondence has driven my subjects from my grasp.
Alone. In this desolate bulwark of misery and abandonment.
Caused by my own hand, tainted with the blood of the unholy.
The very walls moan with death. Battered from their vengeful trebuchets,
They stand meekly with cowardice

Woe! For my soul is beyond salvation
May I not pray that which is most benevolent?
For even he has turned himself from my sight.
I walk this wretched purgatory
In hope that my retribution may come soon

My cathedrals desecrated
My castles, bastions of fortitude and strength, in shambles.
Grand epitaphs to the divine, bathed in blood.
Far hath my great city fallen.
A city paved in the very blood of it's retainers

Lord! Strike at me with your hallowed blade!
So that I may free this world of my corruptions presence!
Were I not contracted to that devious Abaddon
Would I fall upon my own sword
I pray for death, I have shown no mercy, and received no mercy in return. How wicked

Alas. Sweet release may yet still be within my reach
For my kin approaches
"Dear brother, I welcome your arrival
Surely you know of my dreaded deeds?
I am malevolent indeed and am not worthy to live.

Wielding the blade of Nuada, surely you
Can end my suffering
For Saint Peter shall not call my name in this day!
So come! My kindred foe! Drive your sacred steel into the breast
Of the demon that stands be for you."

 

[HeavenlyFlames]

I am not much of a poet, but I can say that this is pretty solid work.
What I enjoyed is how you used a wide vocabulary.
At the last sentence, I believe it's meant to say "before"*.

 

[merule27]

I am not much of a poet, but I can say that this is pretty solid work.
What I enjoyed is how you used a wide vocabulary.
At the last sentence, I believe it's meant to say "before"*.

Haha, yea. Just a typo. But thank you, I thought the old english style diction flowed very well and fit the topic at hand. But may I ask if you understood it all? or have any questions?

 

[AlphaScythian]

So this is like your fave when Lawd Obito comes for him?



On serious note: too dramatic and heavy on vocabulary, but yeah keep working

 

[merule27]

So this is like your fave when Lawd Obito comes for him?



On serious note: too dramatic and heavy on vocabulary, but yeah keep working

Hmm. I get what you're saying. But personally I think the descriptive language really sets the mood for the poem and the character's overarching attitude about his actions. And it was intended to be dramatic, but different strokes for different folks. Thanks for your opinion though

 

[merule27]

And it's not too descriptive to a point where it's so incredibly vague and seems like a really pretentious poem. I think it's a happy medium

 

[HeavenlyFlames]

Haha, yea. Just a typo. But thank you, I thought the old english style diction flowed very well and fit the topic at hand. But may I ask if you understood it all? or have any questions?

It's about a king whom lost everything, (including hope) and the monarch is wishing to be killed? Is that the basis of it?

 

[merule27]

It's about a king whom lost everything, (including hope) and the monarch is wishing to be killed? Is that the basis of it?

Yea. A brief overview I'd say. A hint: Abaddon=another name for the Devil

 

[HeavenlyFlames]

Yea. A brief overview I'd say. A hint: Abaddon=another name for the Devil

Ah, so he has sinned and sold his "soul" to the devil.
Should I have guessed earlier. xD

 

[HeavenlyFlames]

Yea. A brief overview I'd say. A hint: Abaddon=another name for the Devil

Anything else, that I missed?

 

[merule27]

Anything else, that I missed?

Well there's a whole backstory to it that I have. It's pretty interesting, but maybe a bit too long to explain. Unless you want me to

 

[HeavenlyFlames]

Well there's a whole backstory to it that I have. It's pretty interesting, but maybe a bit too long to explain. Unless you want me to

I am intrigued. So, you may as well tell me (if you wish to).

 

[merule27]

Well I'll summarize it. The king (character whose perspective is in the poem) made a deal with the devil. He went mad with power and drove his subjects out, after they gathered supplies, they attacked him. Having the power of the devil, he single handedly crushed them. Now he has no subjects and even more blood on his hands. Now (when the poem starts) he walks his destroyed city contemplating his wretched actions. All the while, his brother (an avid practitioner of the christian faith) catches words of his brother's deeds and is told by god to end him. Which is where we are at the end of the poem. Him talking to his brother that is preparing to kill him of which he gratefully accepts

 

[Cigbeast]

Indeed a good piece of work

 

[HeavenlyFlames]

Well I'll summarize it. The king (character whose perspective is in the poem) made a deal with the devil. He went mad with power and drove his subjects out, after they gathered supplies, they attacked him. Having the power of the devil, he single handedly crushed them. Now he has no subjects and even more blood on his hands. Now (when the poem starts) he walks his destroyed city contemplating his wretched actions. All the while, his brother (an avid practitioner of the christian faith) catches words of his brother's deeds and is told by god to end him. Which is where we are at the end of the poem. Him talking to his brother that is preparing to kill him of which he gratefully accepts

Woah, well thought out. Keep up the good work. xD

 

[merule27]

Woah, well thought out. Keep up the good work. xD

Why thank you my good sir