Distorted Deformation

NaruGoku

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I awoke in a place where two worlds meet.
I lay upon dirt and stone, a barren wasteland behind me.
Ahead lay an eternal field of flowers, a rainbow in the sky—
when there had been no rain—
reflecting the myriad colors of the endless pasture of petals below.
Before me stood a figure
at the edge of the field where the worlds of dirt and verdure clash.
She was my princess from times long past.
I stood and gazed at her, amidst that sea of serenity,
standing proud and elegant, her head adorned
by a wreath of flower petals,
a soft smile pulling at the ends of her cherry lips.
Her hair, long and golden, dazzled with its own light,
forever shaming our sun. A white rose, each petal trimmed
with a gentle pink, lay languidly on her ear,
the burning brilliance of her hair swallowing the stem.
A sensual white satin draped down from her shoulders, fitting slim
around her slender waist, curving dangerously down her legs.
All that dared to show were her toes, strong and bold and tipped with blue,
the sky at her feet.
With her pale skin, enchanting under the sun,
she was an ivory, transient, ghost of my memory.
I timidly reached towards the roses that guarded her right side
and picked one from where it stood.
It seemed a disgraceful gift, yet it was all I could give.
With it was my love, such a thing as could make mud beautiful.
I held it towards her, my heart in my hands.
She reached slowly and grasped the top of the stem with her left,
and held the end of the stem in her right.
In the middle of the stem lay a single thorn. Curious, as no other
rose bore any thorn at all.
My pale princess from times long past held my token of love to her nose,
the delicate rose petals tenderly touching her cherry lips.
With her smile still in place, she softly severed the head of petals.
She put the stem in her mouth, gently licking the wound she had just inflicted,
but to this I paid no mind.
I longed to touch her hair, to again know an angel.
As the rose petals fell dead and scattered at her feet,
I held my hand as close as I could dare.
I snatched away my hand as a viper violently struck.
The beautiful head of gold was now a head of snakes.
At once, our poor sun shattered and fell from the sky.
The thick, slithering, slick skin of the snakes shone,
her pale skin enhanced by a silver sliver of the moon in the sudden darkness.
A grotesque beauty.
With her gentle smile set in stone,
as if carved upon her by a most loving, and most hateful hand,
she took the stem from her mouth and twirled it in her fingers.
She raised her arm as if to strike, and, accompanied by a bursting thunderbolt,
hurled at me the stem of the rose with a single thorn.
The stem, tipped with a wicked poison from her beautiful tongue,
struck straight and true through my heart.
Creep was the poison, and creep the poison did.
I gazed in wonder and silence at my princess as anguish spread through my veins.
The eternal field of flowers erupted in black flames, yet my princess was untouched.
She stayed standing at the edge of her inferno,
her heart-wrenching blue eyes
watching stonily as I fell to my humble floor of dirt and stone.
The stem raised out of my chest as a pole,
with the single thorn, a flag of hatred, planted deep into my soul.
On my back, with my head slightly turned,
I watched her vanish into her dark conflagration.
She was gone into the fiery night.
Without a word, she left a message of
my banishment forever from her sight.
With her went all the light, the moon shone no more,
and the stars never were.
I could not see but could feel the fierce fire,
the intense heat nothing near the force of her ire.
I lay broken on the dirt, crying in such a rage of sorrow as I’ve never known,
with the knowledge that I would die with despair in my heart.
Amidst my cries of agony, her chiseled face came back to me, hauntingly...
“My princess…”
 

NaruGoku

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all those views but not a single response? ya'll a bunch of *****es! thanks for nothing. LoL. I say that now cuz this was posted over a year ago, LoL.
 
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Forest

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I feel like this can be almost transcribed into anime... some of these similies, and metaphors were great.

I snatched away my hand as a viper violently struck.
The beautiful head of gold was now a head of snakes.
At once, our poor sun shattered and fell from the sky.
The thick, slithering, slick skin of the snakes shone,
her pale skin enhanced by a silver sliver of the moon in the sudden darkness.
A grotesque beauty.
With her gentle smile set in stone,
as if carved upon her by a most loving, and most hateful hand,
she took the stem from her mouth and twirled it in her fingers.
She raised her arm as if to strike, and, accompanied by a bursting thunderbolt,
hurled at me the stem of the rose with a single thorn.
The stem, tipped with a wicked poison from her beautiful tongue,
struck straight and true through my heart.
Creep was the poison, and creep the poison did.
I gazed in wonder and silence at my princess as anguish spread through my veins.
The eternal field of flowers erupted in black flames, yet my princess was untouched.
She stayed standing at the edge of her inferno,
her heart-wrenching blue eyes
watching stonily as I fell to my humble floor of dirt and stone.
The stem raised out of my chest as a pole,
with the single thorn, a flag of hatred, planted deep into my soul.
On my back, with my head slightly turned,
I watched her vanish into her dark conflagration."

my favorite passage of the poem... I'm not sure what you were symbolizing but it seems like maybe something came between you an the girl that wasn't supposed too.. Oh yeah the imagery you used to describe her in the beginning was great too. actually the imagery of this thing as a whole was incredible man, seriously, you on point with your sims and metas. It really sounds like something miyazaki could flip into an anime lol no joke =D Well I'll be posting more later so, until then I'll read your other one.
 

repulse

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This is a f/ucking treasure trove NG. The line with the dope alliteration, the perfectly-introduced transition, the imagery...I would kill to write poetry of this nature. It's been awhile that I've written like this, i've been to focused on making things rhyme haha.
 

NaruGoku

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yo it says ur still on this page.. what about his poem sticks out to u? what do u think of the story and the way it's told? what are some of ur favorite lines, or favorite pieces of imagery? what do u not like about the poem? i'm kinda asking u for a little more critique because u seem to be interested in poetry more than the others, I wanna see how well you converse about such topics, it'll give me a good idea of what level u are at as far as ur knowledge/understanding of poetry as well as ur ability to read it and draw from it

some lines I like are:
All that dared to show were her toes, strong and bold and tipped with blue,
the sky at her feet.


[It seemed a disgraceful gift, yet it was all I could give.
With it was my love, such a thing as could make mud beautiful/B]

The thick, slithering, slick skin of the snakes shone,
her pale skin enhanced by a silver sliver of the moon in the sudden darkness.
A grotesque beauty.
With her gentle smile set in stone,
as if carved upon her by a most loving, and most hateful hand,


I could not see but could feel the fierce fire,
the intense heat nothing near the force of her ire.
 
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repulse

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1. I awoke in a place where two worlds meet.
I lay upon dirt and stone, a barren wasteland behind me.
Ahead lay an eternal field of flowers, a rainbow in the sky—
when there had been no rain

reflecting the myriad colors of the endless pasture of petals below.
2. Before me stood a figure
at the edge of the field where the worlds of dirt and verdure clash.
She was my princess from times long past.
I stood and gazed at her, amidst that sea of serenity,
standing proud and elegant, her head adorned
by a wreath of flower petals,
a soft smile pulling at the ends of her cherry lips.

3. Her hair, long and golden, dazzled with its own light,
forever shaming our sun. A white rose, each petal trimmed
with a gentle pink, lay languidly on her ear,
the burning brilliance of her hair swallowing the stem.

4. A sensual white satin draped down from her shoulders, fitting slim
around her slender waist, curving dangerously down her legs.
All that dared to show were her toes, strong and bold and tipped with blue,
the sky at her feet
.

5. With her pale skin, enchanting under the sun,
she was an ivory, transient, ghost of my memory.

6. I timidly reached towards the roses that guarded her right side
and picked one from where it stood.
It seemed a disgraceful gift, yet it was all I could give.
With it was my love, such a thing as could make mud beautiful.

I held it towards her, my heart in my hands.
She reached slowly and grasped the top of the stem with her left,
and held the end of the stem in her right.
7. In the middle of the stem lay a single thorn. Curious, as no other
rose bore any thorn at all.
My pale princess from times long past held my token of love to her nose,
the delicate rose petals tenderly touching her cherry lips.
With her smile still in place, she softly severed the head of petals.
She put the stem in her mouth, gently licking the wound she had just inflicted,
but to this I paid no mind.

8. I longed to touch her hair, to again know an angel.
As the rose petals fell dead and scattered at her feet,
I held my hand as close as I could dare.
I snatched away my hand as a viper violently struck.
The beautiful head of gold was now a head of snakes.

9. At once, our poor sun shattered and fell from the sky.
The thick, slithering, slick skin of the snakes shone,
her pale skin enhanced by a silver sliver of the moon in the sudden darkness.

10. A grotesque beauty.
With her gentle smile set in stone,

as if carved upon her by a most loving, and most hateful hand,
11. she took the stem from her mouth and twirled it in her fingers.
She raised her arm as if to strike, and, accompanied by a bursting thunderbolt,
hurled at me the stem of the rose with a single thorn.
The stem, tipped with a wicked poison from her beautiful tongue,
struck straight and true through my heart.

12. Creep was the poison, and creep the poison did.
I gazed in wonder and silence at my princess as anguish spread through my veins.
The eternal field of flowers erupted in black flames, yet my princess was untouched.
She stayed standing at the edge of her inferno,
her heart-wrenching blue eyes
watching stonily as I fell to my humble floor of dirt and stone.
The stem raised out of my chest as a pole,
with the single thorn, a flag of hatred, planted deep into my soul.

13. On my back, with my head slightly turned,
I watched her vanish into her dark conflagration.
She was gone into the fiery night.
Without a word, she left a message of
my banishment forever from her sight.

14. With her went all the light, the moon shone no more,
and the stars never were.
I could not see but could feel the fierce fire,
the intense heat nothing near the force of her ire.
I lay broken on the dirt, crying in such a rage of sorrow as I’ve never known,
with the knowledge that I would die with despair in my heart.
Amidst my cries of agony, her chiseled face came back to me, hauntingly...
“My princess…”
I must apologize for starting the criticism now, but I wanted to do it when I had the time to do so, in order to give a thorough examination to your lines. With that being said….let me begin.


1. I enjoy this line, but for some reason I confuse myself with it. I understand the imagery, with nothing left behind, and plenty of life left ahead. Does this mean, with the wasteland, that there is nothing left in your past to return to? And with the field of flowers, does this mean you look forward to the future with an abundance of hope?

2. These lines are amazing. Introducing a character that walks that fine line that you have created with the wasteland and the field of flowers, I love that you reintroduced it here. You describe her with firm features that have a nice, light touch to them…the line that grabbed me the most was the red one….I personally love playing around with smiles and such.

3. By adding “dazzled with its own light”, you introduce the brilliance of the hair and wholly describe it with “forever shaming our sun”. For me, I’m not sure why but having both seems a bit amiss. Because with “dazzled…” part, it can be interpreted as being compared to a sun because of the nature of its words, while the “forever…” part limits it. Try going for one or the other….Perhaps for the last line, instead of using “swallowing”, you could use a word that is relevant to fire? Given that you used the word “burning”.

4. These lines make me envision a character from Middle Earth…along those lines ha. Such an elegant use of words…and the alliteration with “sensual..satin…shoulders..slim…slender..” very nice. The red part, however, caught my attention the most. How much you convey with the color blue amazes me. Oh man…

5. Describing how pale she is = effective. Ivory, transient, ghost…makes me think of a snow maiden.

6. I love how you hype up your love right here haha. I thoroughly enjoyed this red line. But…one qualm I do have is that mud is not exactly a living thing. Mud is not generally thought of in terms of ugly, pretty, plain..etc. like the human face. Perhaps you would like to consider this…but I would perhaps leave it. I like the way it sounds.

7. The first line confuses me..as does this passage…does she take pleasure in inflicting injury?

8. Alright, the subtle contrast of angel and viper is awesome! She becomes something that you do not know, someone that you treasured as if she had fallen from the skies above…only to realize the venom she carries with her.

9. Hope for the future with her has been abandoned?

10. Her gentle smile set in stone….oh man oh man oh man! A smile of cherry lips, so gentle, now turned into stone. Stone which is rough, rugged, the opposite of gentle. Very nice use of words in a line.

11. What I’m getting from this is that the stem symbolizes a gift of sorts from the narrator to the woman, and rejecting this gift, along with throwing it and lacing it all with words of wicked nature, strikes the narrator’s heart and causes him to suffer beyond despair.

12. (Red reinforces the above^)
A future the narrator envisioned with her has now been terminated with the event s that have transpired. Then. It’s as if she is untouched by it. Like it does not affect her at all despite all that the narrator and she have been through…and that makes it worse for the narrator. This instills something dark inside the narrator, perhaps even hatred towards the woman.

13. You have a fascination with fire, don’t you? Lol. This reinforces the above previous critique.

14. It’s as if the world has ceased to function anymore, without her by the narrator’s side. Numb through the pain, unfeeling because of what she did. Infuriated, but not sure what to do with it, the narrator, all he can do, is lament. Drown out his sorrow with tears of emotional regret…and yet, her image never leaves your memories.
 

NaruGoku

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6. I love how you hype up your love right here haha. I thoroughly enjoyed this red line. But…one qualm I do have is that mud is not exactly a living thing. Mud is not generally thought of in terms of ugly, pretty, plain..etc. like the human face. Perhaps you would like to consider this…but I would perhaps leave it. I like the way it sounds.

LoL idk man, I think "mud" is ugly. it's wet dirt, it's the epitome of something dirty.. if one has mud all over him/herself, is washing clothes and taking a shower not the first thing on that person's mind? the power of this love can make even mud seem to be beautiful. it all depends on perception, how you see things. normally mud is dirty. seen through love-tinted glasses, however, even mud can seem to be beautiful because when ur in love, ur attitude changes when you "feel" a certain way, it can change your perception of the world. Saying love can make mud beautiful.. it's a slight case of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and as I said, when seen through love-tinted glasses, anything--even mud--can seem beautiful.

7. The first line confuses me..as does this passage…does she take pleasure in inflicting injury?

No, there was a different point being made. Look at it this way: she was smiling while inflicting the injury to the rose, she did it so nonchalantly that it seemed harmless and the narrator, through his love-tinted glasses, he did not even notice what was happening, saying "to this I paid no mind" setting up the idea that the narrator was totally clueless to this girl's true nature. he only saw what he wanted to see, so the point wasn't about her and her attitude toward inflicting injury, it was more about the narrator being completely oblivious


10. Her gentle smile set in stone….oh man oh man oh man! A smile of cherry lips, so gentle, now turned into stone. Stone which is rough, rugged, the opposite of gentle. Very nice use of words in a line.

LoL yes, what you say is true. however, there was one more effect infused into this part. having her smile chiseled in or set in stone conveys the idea that it's artificial, it's there for show, there is no compassion from stone so her "gentle" smile being set in stone reflects the change perceived by the narrator. she smiles, but the smile holds no meaning. he no longer see's the love he once saw, and she is described as a "grotesque beauty" while the next line also says that the smile was set in stone "as if carved upon her by a most loving, and most hateful hand" and those are two really important lines in this section.

11. What I’m getting from this is that the stem symbolizes a gift of sorts from the narrator to the woman, and rejecting this gift, along with throwing it and lacing it all with words of wicked nature, strikes the narrator’s heart and causes him to suffer beyond despair.

12. (Red reinforces the above^)
A future the narrator envisioned with her has now been terminated with the event s that have transpired. Then. It’s as if she is untouched by it. Like it does not affect her at all despite all that the narrator and she have been through…and that makes it worse for the narrator. This instills something dark inside the narrator, perhaps even hatred towards the woman


Yes, except for the "hatred towards the woman" part. there is no such hate. only confusion and regret and despair and agony and heartache. everything around her is scorched by black flame, but SHE is untouched by the fire. Fire, the most deadly elemnt, wild and untamed, deadly to touch, yet it does her no harm. she, in fact, may very well be the CAUSE of the fire, the unnatural, black fire. she is unfazed by the destruction around her, including the destruction she caused, which is the destruction of the narrator's heart.


again, thank you for the resonse. I truly enjoy getting people's reactions to poetry, whether it's mine or not, LoL. I just like to discuss it in general and I love when people describe what they see in a poem. In this poem, I focused a lot on individual lines and phrases and wove them into the overall story. while I tried using lots of imagery, I also tried to use small lines/phrases to maximum effect ("the sky at her feet," "the thick, slithering, slick skin of the snakes," the white rose that "lay languidly in her ear," "Sensual satin" that "curved Dangerously Down her legs," she vanished into her "dark conflagration" lol I particularly liked that one etc etc)
 

repulse

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Anytime NG! Thanks for the clarifications, it all makes sense now.

I was taught how to provide commentary from an AP English teacher of mine, when I was a senior in high school a little over a year ago. I love it when I understand or even guess what the writer is trying to accomplish with their stanzas or a specific line. Your short lines have a a great impact on the poem, and they meshed together very cohesively. I thoroughly enjoyed it!
 

NaruGoku

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LOL thanks a lot for taking time out of your day to come here and read and even respond to this. I very much appreciate it.

and LOL Namikazi.. how in the hell did you even come across this page? LoL. if it's not too much trouble though, i'd like to hear some of your thoughts about it
 
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