[Romance] Deleted

[Reraru]

Deleted

 

[Ryūkai1]

Wait, so I am the character in this story? Interesting way to write a fanfiction

 

[Reraru]

Wait, so I am the character in this story? Interesting way to write a fanfiction

Yes and thanks. Dattebayo!

 

[Luciform]

Nice,
happy birthday,happy new year, and .happy holiday dattebayo

 

[Reraru]

Nice,
happy birthday,happy new year, and .happy holiday dattebayo

Thank you very much. Dattebayo!

 

[1Told]

the switch is disturbing for me between the part where you used "you" like in any role player script/otome game and boom you suddenly used "i".

it's kinda weird and "i" don't fit well except for inner self talk and when using a questioning form (ex: "did i just said that to him/her?") hmm

i think you should try something with a narrator voice describing the scene, like he/she's watching a movie and commenting on it but than...surprise!!!
the narrator is you!!!
and after that go on with the inner dialogues to describe everything you need.

the themes are really nice, put more details too like about the scenery in general or the mood, it will make the story more realistic and attractive for the reader

 

[Reraru]

the switch is disturbing for me between the part where you used "you" like in any role player script/otome game and boom you suddenly used "i".

it's kinda weird and "i" don't fit well except for inner self talk and when using a questioning form (ex: "did i just said that to him/her?") hmm

i think you should try something with a narrator voice describing the scene, like he/she's watching a movie and commenting on it but than...surprise!!!
the narrator is you!!!
and after that go on with the inner dialogues to describe everything you need.

the themes are really nice, put more details too like about the scenery in general or the mood, it will make the story more realistic and attractive for the reader

I will follow your advice. I am a new writer so yeah.