We all have them. Those inner demons that find us when we are alone, and speak to us. It might not be to the same degree as everyone else but we all have them. My own personal feelings have as of late driven me to the point of almost mental collapse and I could not take this feelings alone. So I decided to write out how this feels from my perspective. You see looking at me you wouldn't be able to tell that I suffer from my own mind. Its made me doubt religion, ruined how I trust people by making me feel as if everyone is only hugging me to be in a better position to stab me in the back, taunted me with the idea that perhaps after this life that nothing will exist, and I will forever be trapped in motionless, uneventful darkness that I will never be able to escape. Even as I type this, I had a brief moment of complete panic, imagining that completely broke me. Given my qualities, I'm energetic, have many friends and family that look at me as if I'm bound to be great, a beautiful girlfriend, and an otherwise bright future. But this isn't enough for me. I almost feel that in order for me to truly be happy, I would need immortality. I can't fathom not being able to breathe, feel, smell, taste, laugh and cry. The thought of my body rotting haunts my every move and even when I'm having the greatest moments of my life I feel that deep, consuming void in my mind calling out to me, culling my love of life, and telling me how futile it is to look for the dreams and pinacles that I've sought after since a child. What's more is that I feel its driving me insane. Its hard to explain but I hope that sums up how I feel in a way that you understand. Just so you can understand the next part.
I also have this enigmatic voice, telling me to keep going, become a monolith, a legend of a man that the world can see. Be something that will never be forgotten. Be thee best that ever existed and leave your legacy so that the world may never forget you. I love that feeling of knowing I could very well do so. However it creates this pressure. Maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe that voice doesn't even exist and its my own normal human instinct in place just to counter that darkness. Like the way we've created "good" to combat "evil" or even in basic terms light versus dark. In that context its obvious that light would in the long run lose because eventually it will run out of the energy creating it.or maybe I have it wrong. This anxiety is driving me crazy and it feels the older I get, the faster time speeds up to that point of no return. When I get there will I be happy at what I've created? Or will I regret my every decision? If there is a God, why does he let me suffer as much from this thought pattern. I envy simple people that can blindly believe, because to them, they've found peace within the thought of being reunited with those that have made the journey to the other side before them that they love. For me, its turning into a nightmare that I can't escape, fearing that they have been plunged into darkness and don't even know that I miss them.
I've been enveloped in this thought pattern for a few years now. I just needed a place to relinquish my thoughts so I could find some sort of rest tonight and I don't have pens to write in my notebook. Lol. Thank you for creating this outlet to pour my heart into. Goodnight
