Dealing with depression, feeling like an outcast, and whether life is even worth it

[Icemyster]

We all have them. Those inner demons that find us when we are alone, and speak to us. It might not be to the same degree as everyone else but we all have them. My own personal feelings have as of late driven me to the point of almost mental collapse and I could not take this feelings alone. So I decided to write out how this feels from my perspective. You see looking at me you wouldn't be able to tell that I suffer from my own mind. Its made me doubt religion, ruined how I trust people by making me feel as if everyone is only hugging me to be in a better position to stab me in the back, taunted me with the idea that perhaps after this life that nothing will exist, and I will forever be trapped in motionless, uneventful darkness that I will never be able to escape. Even as I type this, I had a brief moment of complete panic, imagining that completely broke me. Given my qualities, I'm energetic, have many friends and family that look at me as if I'm bound to be great, a beautiful girlfriend, and an otherwise bright future. But this isn't enough for me. I almost feel that in order for me to truly be happy, I would need immortality. I can't fathom not being able to breathe, feel, smell, taste, laugh and cry. The thought of my body rotting haunts my every move and even when I'm having the greatest moments of my life I feel that deep, consuming void in my mind calling out to me, culling my love of life, and telling me how futile it is to look for the dreams and pinacles that I've sought after since a child. What's more is that I feel its driving me insane. Its hard to explain but I hope that sums up how I feel in a way that you understand. Just so you can understand the next part.

I also have this enigmatic voice, telling me to keep going, become a monolith, a legend of a man that the world can see. Be something that will never be forgotten. Be thee best that ever existed and leave your legacy so that the world may never forget you. I love that feeling of knowing I could very well do so. However it creates this pressure. Maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe that voice doesn't even exist and its my own normal human instinct in place just to counter that darkness. Like the way we've created "good" to combat "evil" or even in basic terms light versus dark. In that context its obvious that light would in the long run lose because eventually it will run out of the energy creating it.or maybe I have it wrong. This anxiety is driving me crazy and it feels the older I get, the faster time speeds up to that point of no return. When I get there will I be happy at what I've created? Or will I regret my every decision? If there is a God, why does he let me suffer as much from this thought pattern. I envy simple people that can blindly believe, because to them, they've found peace within the thought of being reunited with those that have made the journey to the other side before them that they love. For me, its turning into a nightmare that I can't escape, fearing that they have been plunged into darkness and don't even know that I miss them.

I've been enveloped in this thought pattern for a few years now. I just needed a place to relinquish my thoughts so I could find some sort of rest tonight and I don't have pens to write in my notebook. Lol. Thank you for creating this outlet to pour my heart into. Goodnight

 

[BazzBee]

Goodnight and sleep tight

 

[-Punk-]

My best friend is a demon . Night ^_^

 

[Miltonius]

I went through the same thing as you and still do sometimes, I try to get better by just relaxing and watching some tv.

Good night n sweet dreams bro.

 

[Neonian]

I have my own demon, but I know how to control mine.
All the hate I keep inside, until you touch me.. that's when I lose it.

 

[FallingLeaf]

Listen to Leessang chill music i geuss always helps me night

 

[Akira678]

You'll reach the light, even even in the deepest darkness
Goodnight, sleep tight *_*

 

[Tachondar]

I think you just need to realize what you have in life. There are a lot of other persons who would want to trade with you. Persons who don't get a girl/boyfriend, dont have a family, have no friends, getting bullied, having familymembers beat them or stuff like that...
Sure, people can hug you without meaning it, but that is real humanity (I always hate it when you see those memes with Humanity restored, becausse really? Humans arent honest en friendly, they're sly and selfish. But it's those people that get bullied or have a crappy youth that turn out to be better than just the regular human) just face away from those backstabbers.
Other than that, just get a clear consciouncse. You have everything you could wish for as someone in puberty if I read this... Jeez, is life even worth it you say? If everyone would already commit suicide for having a few negative thoughts, over half of the youth would commit suicide...

 

[Whizgigger]

This is some deep stuff, I don't know you, but if you need someone to talk to Im here. Just send me a PM. Im sure most if not all of us here are able to talk

 

[frameses]

The truth is you can't know what comes next, but you can choose to believe. I'd say I also have a over-analyzing mind. This probably isn't going to seem comforting at all as I think of it but I was depressed long enough to see immortality on this planet would be the worst curse. Also, if there is no afterlife then you won't be left alone in a dark void, you won't be rotting in the ground, you just won't be, you won't exist at all to have to worry about it. Yeah...guess the real point is - ask for help before you decide to go years trying to "fix yourself" and allow your mind to be further tainted by these spiraling thoughts. Something's we can't change about ourselves and some medication can go a long way to help. Pride be damned! It is your instinct to want to live forever, but if you stay depressed for a while you may wish you were dead (don't let that happen).

 

[Fountain]

You're good, You have family friends people to hug you etc. So enjoy the little things, You are at the top right now i could say, With each step you take down the more difficult it'll be to go back and eventually... When you're at the bottom, You've already lost it, Friends, Family, Sanity, Reason, Everything and that's it, It's over, You can't do anything anymore because you lost everything to begin with, You are stuck in a room 24/7 sleeping most of the time, Rarely seeing the light, You are aware of your situation and you're thinking to yourself you need to get out you need to do something but you never even try, And even if you did you wouldn't be able to accomplish anything.

What comes after is dementia.

It's very sad. Just stay where you are, Be strong, And keep all those thoughts out of your head. Cheers...

 

[Icemyster]

I do appreciate the feedback. I needed that

 

[GhostProject]

I know exactly where you're coming from. Interesting read because it felt like I was reading something that me from 2 years ago would write.

From what it looks like, this depression and fear of death is coming from fear of not reaching what you believe to be your potential, which is this 'monolith of man,' so I'm going to write this based on that hunch. It is that fear that will make the 'nightmare' become reality.

I really like your analogy of your inner thoughts being like light and dark, however, I disagree in that context that that light eventually loses to the dark. Imagine in it that your Will is the fire that creates the energy for that light. As long as you never let it burn out, darkness will never swallow it up. Let the fear of failure dim your Will, and you'll find that light grows dim and depression takes over.

Find your passion. You know what it takes to achieve your dream, but the thoughts like "Will I be happy with what I've done, or will I regret it" will only cause your Will to reach your dream to diminish. Never doubt your convictions of what it takes for you to become that 'monolith' that you desire.

Go out in the next couple of weeks and do just one thing that puts you even a footstep closer to what you feel is your realized potential, and then continue with it. Even if you don't know the way entirely, your passion will guide you one step at a time, I promise that. You also say you envy those that can believe blindly in God. If you are wanting to believe in something beyond yourself, believe in your convictions that will help lead you to reach your potential (without immortality ). When you don't let doubt defeat them, you'll find faith in those convictions aren't so blind.

Those dark thoughts are the part of you that wants to give up, but they don't decide things. If you let your Will burn brightly for your passions and dreams without doubt and fear of defeat or failure, then you'll find the thoughts fading away. They may come back now and then, but just remember your goal and what you are going to achieve. =D

 

[Jukain]

I have my own demon, but I know how to control mine.
All the hate I keep inside, until you touch me.. that's when I lose it.

bro your sig....what movie is that from?

 

[Gyakusetsu]

The descriptions of your thoughts sound like manic-depression or bi-polar disorder, where you flow from one end of the spectrum to the next. When riding the highs thoughts, ideas, and solutions come quickly. You experience the feeling of being a genius. Later the thoughts come too quickly leading to distraction, confusion, and depression. Thoughts of paranoia can occur as well. I would suggest seeing a specialist in the mental health profession. These are easily treated symptoms. As for your fears about mortality there is an elegant solution even if you doubt religion. Pro-creation is a way for your legacy to continue.

 

[ItachiUchiha2]

I understand you. I have a deep hatred of almost everything, but our differences are i am truly alone i have no friends, no girlfriend and no parents, I knew my parents and i hated them. I have found that being alone is better then you only have to care for yourself and you need no emotion for anything else. I am afraid darkness has already consumed me, although i am not afraid of death like you are i can understand why you fear it like so many others. Just know being alone, full of hate and anger isn't so bad, you've always got yourself to rely on.

 

[~Nemesis~]

We all have them. Those inner demons that find us when we are alone, and speak to us. It might not be to the same degree as everyone else but we all have them. My own personal feelings have as of late driven me to the point of almost mental collapse and I could not take this feelings alone. So I decided to write out how this feels from my perspective. You see looking at me you wouldn't be able to tell that I suffer from my own mind. Its made me doubt religion, ruined how I trust people by making me feel as if everyone is only hugging me to be in a better position to stab me in the back, taunted me with the idea that perhaps after this life that nothing will exist, and I will forever be trapped in motionless, uneventful darkness that I will never be able to escape. Even as I type this, I had a brief moment of complete panic, imagining that completely broke me. Given my qualities, I'm energetic, have many friends and family that look at me as if I'm bound to be great, a beautiful girlfriend, and an otherwise bright future. But this isn't enough for me. I almost feel that in order for me to truly be happy, I would need immortality. I can't fathom not being able to breathe, feel, smell, taste, laugh and cry. The thought of my body rotting haunts my every move and even when I'm having the greatest moments of my life I feel that deep, consuming void in my mind calling out to me, culling my love of life, and telling me how futile it is to look for the dreams and pinacles that I've sought after since a child. What's more is that I feel its driving me insane. Its hard to explain but I hope that sums up how I feel in a way that you understand. Just so you can understand the next part.

I also have this enigmatic voice, telling me to keep going, become a monolith, a legend of a man that the world can see. Be something that will never be forgotten. Be thee best that ever existed and leave your legacy so that the world may never forget you. I love that feeling of knowing I could very well do so. However it creates this pressure. Maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe that voice doesn't even exist and its my own normal human instinct in place just to counter that darkness. Like the way we've created "good" to combat "evil" or even in basic terms light versus dark. In that context its obvious that light would in the long run lose because eventually it will run out of the energy creating it.or maybe I have it wrong. This anxiety is driving me crazy and it feels the older I get, the faster time speeds up to that point of no return. When I get there will I be happy at what I've created? Or will I regret my every decision? If there is a God, why does he let me suffer as much from this thought pattern. I envy simple people that can blindly believe, because to them, they've found peace within the thought of being reunited with those that have made the journey to the other side before them that they love. For me, its turning into a nightmare that I can't escape, fearing that they have been plunged into darkness and don't even know that I miss them.

I've been enveloped in this thought pattern for a few years now. I just needed a place to relinquish my thoughts so I could find some sort of rest tonight and I don't have pens to write in my notebook. Lol. Thank you for creating this outlet to pour my heart into. Goodnight

Ignore them. Goodnight.

 

[YowYan]

I can mention all sorts of smartass philosophical quotes about depression and what not, but I've been D for the past 5 years without significant change, so I'll just stay quiet.

 

[~Nemesis~]

I can mention all sorts of smartass philosophical quotes about depression and what not, but I've been D for the past 5 years without significant change, so I'll just stay quiet.

I didn't know there philosophical quotes about depression

 

[Jack Spicer]

Fix your signature and things will be better.