Okay, as promised, here's my review (albeit a bit short compared to my usual standards, sorry about that);
First thing first. There's one thing about your writing that I notice right away and that I've noticed on a few occasions before as well, something which doesn't seem to have been mentioned a lot here in the other comments (except for Reborn's and Toc's). I suppose the main reason for this happening is either because of the "language barrier" (something I often myself end up hammering my head against), or more so the simple answer of proof-reading.
I'm talking about 'Punctuation.' Like having question marks ('?') at the end of questions, dots ('.') to end your sentences, colons (',') to split up connective sentences, capital letters at beginning of sentences and the overall flow of some parts of the chapter. It's not a problem that reoccurs all the way through the text, but it's a problem that occurs often enough that it becomes a bit too apparent. I like to add that from what I've seen from your earlier work, you've improved a lot in this section, but I have to say that I still think you need to spend some more time proof-reading, that's all. I also think your story would become even more "enjoyable" if the "connective flow," or the line between the narrative- & dialogue aspects were a bit better. I would like more narrative to help add to the surroundings that the characters are in for example, but also to help give the reader a better view of what exactly is taking place. I myself was very bad at this when I first started out, and despite the fact that I still have a lot of improvements to do, half of the job to get better was solved simply by studying English (through movies, television, books, etc) more, and also by spending thrice the time (at least) proof-reading than what I used to do.
This is as far as I have to say concerning the "less good" parts. Let's jump over to the good ones... I like the story that's presented here, though personally I would have like to have a bit more information regarding the current story's relation to what's happening in the manga right now (Sasuke didn't even seem to care that Naruto became Hokage, and it wasn't explained exactly how or why Sasuke suddenly was in Konoha?). The dialogues themselves are pretty standard too, and that's a good thing seeing that this is a dialogue-based style, but that doesn't mean you don't need to spice things up a bit.
I don't want to sound harsh, but I'll give this one 6/10.
Story (7), Dialogues (6), Narrative (5), Grammar (5).
nice review I appreciate it 
