Chaotic Storm of Fiore!

[Legendary Saiyan]

Chapter 1: Prologue

A boy who was walking down towards the countryside of Oak town was wearing a navy blue undershirt, a vest that had lightning designs on each side following with clouds. He wore a necklace scale that was a gift from his surrogate grandfather. He also wore black trousers that reached his knees and blue combat boots.

This boy is known as Naruto Namikaze. He is an all known S-Class mage to the point where he is in the Sorcerer's Magazine. To his annoyance, Naruto is rated top 5 for 'cutest kid that can break your little girl's heart'. However in relief, the magazine so far only has Naruto's Wind and Water magic. He actually has Lightning magic as well and a good amount of others but only few know of those.

There is one more magic Naruto contains. Only his friends and guild master knows his last resort magic. It was a lost magic that dwarfs all of Naruto's other magical abilities.

Flashback Start​

The landscape was beautiful yet dangerous to say the least. An array of dark clouds along with lightning dancing around the atmosphere. However, the most noticeable part of the background was a large dragon. It was black along with dark blue and light blue scales. Its sclera is yellow with black slits for pupils. The dragon was staring at what was in front of him. A white bundle with a boy wrapped inside. He had blonde hair and tan skin. His face was rounder than any ripe fruit and his magical energy was huge. The dragon could see the potential inside the boy. He appeared to be about three years old based on the kid's size. Right next to the boy was a box bundle and a lacrima on top.

"Mmh…" came the stir of the little boy. As he opened his eyes, they were revealed to be cerulean. It was as if you could see the sparkling ocean deep in those orbs.

The boy stared at the dragon. "Who are you?" The dragon was surprised at the boy's lack of fear.

'He is worthy of my magic.' "I'm Arashi, the Storm Dragon. Now who are you young one and how did you come into my realm?"

"I'm Naruto Namikaze Arashi-san. I don't know how I got here. I really like your scales, they're cool!" Naruto said as his eyes sparkled.

The storm dragon smirked. 'His name means Maelstrom and he's not afraid of me? He is definitely worthy now.' "I have a proposal for you, Naruto. How would you like to learn my Dragon Slayer magic?"

"SUGOI! I have always wanted to be a mage!" Naruto exclaimed, jumping up and down excitedly. He looked back at Arashi after he stopped jumping. "What's Dragon Slayer magic?"

The black dragon chuckled. "It's one of the Lost Magic's in Earthland my boy. My magic is called Storm Dragon Slayer Magic. It's composed of three magic elements: Water, Wind, and Lightning. This also means you can use them separately if you wish. Now what do you say Naruto? Do you want to become not only my Dragon Slayer but also the strongest?"

Naruto had no hesitation. This was beyond a golden opportunity and the blonde toddler would be an idiot to pass this up. "Okay, Arashi-Ji-Ji! I will become your Dragon Slayer! When will we start dattebayo?!"

The dragon chuckled at the nickname his new student gave him. "We start now, boy." His yellow eyes glowed azure blue. "Dodge."

"Wha-"

CRASH!

"OI!"

Flashback End​

Year X784: Present​

Currently, Naruto was returning back to his guild, Phantom Lord. He joined the guild because he thought it was a good idea to join one of the best and he certainly wasn't interested in Fairy Tail. It had only been three years since his dragon grandparent had left him for no reason. Even though he had trained for two years, Naruto was a prodigy and a hard-worker so he had managed to learn his Storm Dragon Slayer magic to the point where he could enter Dragon Force. He was also given a dragon lacrima courtesy of his Dragon Parent, thus becoming a powerful 3rd Generation Dragon Slayer.

Naruto also learned about his parents. His mother was a civilian named Kushina Uzumaki. His father's name was Minato Namikaze. He was a fisherman but came from a bloodline of knights. He had kept a long thin blade named Hirashin. Its handle had the kanji engraved there.

The best part was that Naruto had also mastered his Water, Wind and Lightning techniques. One time when he was fighting a bunch of Vulcans, he had forgotten to add his Lightning magic when he added Water with Wind and accidentally created an Ice attack. Ever since then, Naruto was able to recreate Ice-Make magic based off of his Water Magic and some of them from his Wind Magic.

As he reached the guild building, he saw a big brawl occurring in the guild hall. He dodged left and right from random magic attacks and sensed his comrade Gajeel from above. He body flickered himself via Lightning Magic before a random mage could attack him and looked at Gajeel.

"Oi! What's up with the big fight Gajeel?" asked Naruto.

"Gihi! I started this war, Naruto! I've messed up some Fairy Tail mages and destroyed their guild hall and now they've invaded our guilds!" barked Gajeel.

He expected Naruto to be surprised until he was caught off-guard by Naruto's nonchalance. "Eh, I don't really care what they do as long as they don't try to cross my path."

Gajeel chuckled. "You never seem to like them much huh? Well, I'm about to join in the fight, I don't care what you do. See ya!" With that, the Iron Dragon Slayer jumped off the wooden post he was standing on and joined in the fight. Naruto shook his head. He only joined Phantom Lord because they don't get crazy unless if it's a party. The blonde Dragon Slayer placed his hand around his shirt around the stomach area his guild mark was engraved on. He honestly liked the guild mark and wanted to keep it but he knew he can't delay the inevitable.

Oh well.

He body flickered himself back to the guild entrance and began walking out. He was ready to become an Independent Mage once again. He only joined because the guild master never seemed to bother his mages much and pretty much gave them free will to do as they please unless he gave them missions he ordered for them to complete. Hence why he and Naruto have a neutral relationship. The blonde haired mage was a bit fond of his guild but he was only here to acquire jewels and those jewels he earned would be in a pocket dimension. Due to his prodigal skills, Naruto was able to make around 500,000 jewels. He wasn't an S-Class mage due to his young age but as long as Naruto was able to accept missions that have high rewards, he wouldn't care less.

"Hey guys! I see a kid!" screamed a Fairy Tail mage.

"Is that the Chaotic Storm? Oh no, he's going to tear us apart!"

Naruto looked at them. "Shut up! I don't care about you idiots or this brawl! I'm out!" he shouted as he used his Wind Magic to send them unconscious via concrete wall.

The blonde mage was so close. Very thinly fricking close! Those Fairy Tail weaklings had spotted him and no doubt they would try to ambush him.

"Hold it right there!"

Naruto turned to see a redheaded woman with armor for a top and a skirt with boots. She wore a heated glare towards the boy. She made sure the boy would get what's coming to him.

"Naruto Namikaze am I right?" she asked coldly.

"Yeah I am, what do you want strawberry head?!" Naruto cockily said.

"You'll pay for what you've done to my friends. I don't care if you're a kid, I will defeat you!"

"Damn! Must be the time of the month for you. Try taking it out on Gajeel you menstruating cow!"

Both guilds stopped and gasped at Naruto's words. The Fairy Tail Mages felt sorry for the boy while the Phantom Lord Mages smirked. They knew Fairy Tail's Titania is screwed.

"Oh boy, Erza's pissed. Possibly more pissed than when I argue with Natsu," said a black haired boy, who was suddenly shirtless.

A blue cat looked at his comrade. "Gray! Your shirt's missing."

"Ah!"

A dark aura surrounded Erza. She requipped her armor into her Flame Empress Armor. By the time Erza opened her eyes she noticed Naruto disappeared.

 

[Reborn]

Me Judging You

Alright let me pull out my handy-dandy criteria and get started. *puts reading glasses on*

Before I get into the meat of the critical review I have a few comments to make. I am glad this is a prologue simply because I don't need any real context for the individual story. Now this story is obviously set in the Fair Tail universe, which I have next to nothing in context. The most I know about Fairy Tail is: some of the major characters, its ecchi fanservice reputation, and a general idea of the world it takes place in. So the stuff about magic, guilds, etc, doesn't give me a need for exposition. Things like Dragon Slayer Magic and the significance of some major characters, occurrences, and timeline settings within the Fairy Tail series I may need more explanation on as the time progresses if I am to read this FF future chapters. Though not everything needs stringent explanation so for now I believe it's fine. Also, provided there aren't several more chapters in existence already, any critique I give now can be used in the future if you wish to accept it. Even if there are more chapters already, the advice can still be used in future stories. Now then onto the actual contest review.

Spelling and Grammar: Something my shishou always bent me over a table with (ShoutoutToSeffy) about my writing was the consistency of my tense use. She would always get on me if I started using present tense and then immediately switched to past tense when going through the narrative of my story. I'm aware of it now so whenever I go back and proof read I make sure to align everything. Sometimes it is acceptable to switch between tenses but in very rare cases. You go between tenses a lot in here and that is your biggest issue as far as grammar. I feel like you wanted to be in the past tense but in your narration, you use "is" more often than not to describe something, which works against you here. Other than that, a few punctuation errors that I really don't care too much about since it amounted to comma placing for the most part.

Creativity: On the creative side, like I said earlier the story is Fairy Tail based and it seems to take from Naruto a little with the names. Naruto, Kushina, Minato, Bodyflicker, all Naruto concepts within a Fairy Tail story. Nothing immediately wrong with that, though there doesn't yet seem to be any sort of unique spin. You're using the foundation of another world to make your own story however, tis the definition of a fanfiction so you can't really be incredibly critical of such a thing. My issue with this story so far is that you only have recycled material in here so far. Terms, concepts, character names, the protagonist is recycled in name and trope. You give your protagonist the typical arrogant, pretty boy, potential idiot trope that exists in a great deal of Shonen. Granted, this is a prologue and I can't expect you to give me paradigm changing material off the cuff but, this is still a weak introduction. I know of enough of Fairy Tail through my own general otaku nature and as an RP mod, to know there isn’t anything new here. This usually happens for people who just want to create their own gaiden within the same world and have their characters at the forefront. They don't actually want to add to the world or change many things, they just want another character and another parallel story. I'm judging creativity though, so I can't say this chapter was very creative.

Structure of Writing: Your structure is light novel style it seems; I write like that too. It's a style that focuses more so on the dialogue between characters and shorter narration. I don't have much else to say since my only really criteria for judging the structure is to make sure people aren't using radically different styles in their work. I may get rid of this criteria after this contest.

Plot? What plot???? Jokes aside I am taking into account that this is a prologue, so I cannot adequately expect to know the shape of the plot immediately. Then again, I'll read a lot of opening chapters that make it rather obvious as to where the story is trying to go. Though to your defense, like most series in the shonen demographic (which yours falls into I'd argue) their formula for chapters/episodes is hype first > plot. You try to get the audience into that "this is fire" mind set so that they get hooked on the epic nature of the show that they'll come back for the fire. You do that because you know your plot is going to transition into complete garba...sorry taking out my frustrations out with certain series. In all seriousness, the hype factor is to attract the audience despite the story it seems. Even if you go to yourself, "this story is terrible" you may still come back because "but these fight scenes are still fire." This is why shows and series like DBZ are still big hits, at least in a mainstream. Either way, your hype factor in this chapter is not over 9000 and I would not read this story on a regular basis if this was the level it showed.

Imagery, Detail, Vividness: This is where you fall hardest. As I read this it feels so strict, so concrete. You open up with a description of the character as if you're describing him to a police sketch artist. You do the whole "jump right into the world” and proceed onward. You describe things, you don’t paint a picture with your words. So I read this as "There's a kid who looks like this, he's apparently some hotshit badass, and we get a bit of back story. We return to timeline where he finds himself in the middle of a fight. He acts like his character trope says he's supposed to and acts like he doesn't care. Oh and he's apparently gay or simply hasn't had his balls drop because he seems to have no interest in females and calls a female who is literally designed as a *** symbol, a cow." You really just went from one place to another like a bland instruction.

Ability to Impact: I suppose you could guess that this had very little on me due to the previous two points. You didn't introduce any real story, just the main character and his backstory briefly. Where you'd normally compensate with hype and excitement you don’t so this is left to me as a rather generic opening. As well, with your lack of interesting word play to paint a vibrant picture. it is stale.

That being said I'm using a numerical system to assist me on a technical level should I need it. I won't post those numbers publicly but if you're curious you can PM me and when you get it you can do whatever you want with it.