Buying Happiness

[sG Taka]

"I don't know, but that's a very good question."

You start with statement. You end with statement. This (I presume) sums up the persona's life. He is confused still, despite living all these years, and all he can do is assessing the goodness of the question, which does not help him in anyway. He's lost and helpless, and perhaps he said ''that's a very good question'' to coax over this feeling of OMG he IS lost and helpless because he does not want to destroy this image of the great accomplished lucky young man that he's living in. He doesn't want to see the real world as we see him, though he's " slowly but surely" realizing the truth.

"detached from his surroundings" puts more emphasis to how alienated he is from real life, because his current life is like the silhouette of the lady, "blurry, but satisfying".

~ Great work !

=DD This is by far the best feedback I have gotten, thank you! I like how you quoted from my work :] Yea, I thought it would be nice to start with the ending, I like how works like that develop.

 

[The Riddlerr]

I liked it, you've certainly grabbed my attention with the way you've orchestrated the character's mind and the way you've described everything with enough detail for me to visualize precisely what he's doing.

 

[sG Taka]

I liked it, you've certainly grabbed my attention with the way you've orchestrated the character's mind and the way you've described everything with enough detail for me to visualize precisely what he's doing.

Well thanks, that was sort of what I was aiming for :]

 

[Troyard]

its nice

 

[sG Taka]

its nice

Thanks again, good to hear you liked 'em both :]

 

[Seffy]

More descriptive: try to make sentences more detailed

Fond: Try to make the text look more interesting like this

Size: Different size is good

Color is important to make it more appealing

Last but not least maybe put a picture in the beginning of each chapter it makes people feel better.

I agree with the description part.
Font: Isn't needed as long as people can read it.
Size: Keep it a decent size where people don't have to strain their eyes to read it. (major turn off for readers)
Color: Not important, though I find myself using color on the chapter title and at the very end of my own fan fiction. Using too much color can become too distracting though (imo) so keep your main works the same color. (Using a different color to show a change in time or place is ok as well as it sticks out enough to the reader and becomes informative.)

He stared unresponsively into the burning cigarette, detached from his surroundings, he continuously watched as the cigarette gradually burned and the ashes fell to the floor. (run on turn it into two sentence or re-word it and make it into one).

Good job +rep

 

[sG Taka]

I agree with the description part.
Font: Isn't needed as long as people can read it.
Size: Keep it a decent size where people don't have to strain their eyes to read it. (major turn off for readers)
Color: Not important, though I find myself using color on the chapter title and at the very end of my own fan fiction. Using too much color can become too distracting though (imo) so keep your main works the same color. (Using a different color to show a change in time or place is ok as well as it sticks out enough to the reader and becomes informative.)

He stared unresponsively into the burning cigarette, detached from his surroundings, he continuously watched as the cigarette gradually burned and the ashes fell to the floor. (run on turn it into two sentence or re-word it and make it into one).

Good job +rep

Alright, thanks again for reading my stories ^^