Being in a Relationship.

[lswhyte123]

Okay, so I'm making this thread for any & everyone. Few rules.

1: No Bashing on anyone. Gay/Straight/Bi whatever.
2: Be honest. If you have a situation you wanna discuss, tell it like it is. That way it's easiest for others to help.
3: Don't get offended if someone says something you don't agree with. If it sounds sexist, let them explain.
4: Try to write helpful comments, not ones which are abrupt and without forethought.

I know NB isn't exactly the best place for this. But this a good way to vent these issues without it coming to bite you in the a$$.

I have had help on one issue which I've erased. Time for someone else to have a shot.
If you have an issue you'd like to discuss. Just post it. It will be answered.

Next Topic from another person: Chicken Soop

I am a pretty good looking guy, very smart and full of energy. I do have a serious problem though... I am way too observant. Don't use the bathroom at my house and touch my face without washing your hands.

I put the food on the table, and I put the woman to bed. If I'm letting you stay in the home I pay for, I don't want to come home to a mess. I don't want to come home to your friends on my couch with their shoes on telling me to get out of the way of the TV. Lol @ its my TV.

WHAT...? The dishwasher that worked 3 days ago is broken? Oh no, god forbid you use your hands. Maybe I should be dating Amish?
Seriously.

This is exactly why I don't date any of the girls I bring home.
But my friends tell me I have no room to be so critical, and I'm impossible to please.
Damn right! If proper hygiene is so impossible, please just leave me to my One Piece lol

If anyone has advice, I'm sure this guy will appreciate it.

 

[Lara]

Okay, so I'm making this thread for any & everyone. Few rules.

1: No Bashing on anyone. Gay/Straight/Bi whatever.
2: Be honest. If you have a situation you wanna discuss, tell it like it is. That way it's easiest for others to help.
3: Don't get offended if someone says something you don't agree with. If it sounds sexist, let them explain.
4: Try to write helpful comments, not ones which are abrupt and without forethought.

I know NB isn't exactly the best place for this. But this a good way to vent these issues without it coming to bite you in the a$$.

So I'll start with my own issue:

Recently me & the GF have not been seeing eye to eye and it resulted in an offensive argument. (fuelled by some booze)
That was about 3 days ago and it doesn't bother me much,cause venting is normal and living together can be hard. Especially when your moving alot.
I woke up this morning feeling good & positive. It lasted only a few minutes.

1: I get out of bed.
2: I say good morning and ask her how she slept.
3: I offer to make her coffee & breakfast.
4: I ask her whats bothering her as she is sighing and dismissing what I say and I felt I was being ignored and pushed away.
5: I mention that this is the sort of thing I had brought up in the argument and that her treating me like this each morning isn't fair.
6: She responds by saying "oh yeah, it's all my fault. You don't care about how I'm doing, you just care about urself." She tells me things at work had been bothering her.
7: I ask if there's something I can help with or If there's anything I can do.
8: She replies with " No you don't care. You just want to be right and make out like everything's my fault."
9: I tell her that, if she'd told me she was upset I could have done something about it or offered but that I felt she was just being nasty to me for no reason.
10: She says it's always about me and I'm never the bad guy and it doesn't matter how she feels etc.....she leaves for work.

So it turns out her collueges did some things together and didn't inlcude her cause she wasn't around. This is what caused this, this morning. This does happen relatively often and I try to handle with this method.

Any help please on how I can do better here?

Also thank for reading.

Allow me to start by saying that those replies are a sign of pure women logic. No offence to your girlfriend.

Moving on to suggestions, instead of giving static replies that rarely work in these situations (like "what's wrong?" or "can I help you?"), you'd better have an open conversation with her about why does she feel like giving you a fault here (by repeating the "you're never the bad guy" stuff) and that those "you don't care" things are not true. A girl is more likely to open when a guy uses more words when trying to help her. I guess that's what some of them think a guy's attention and care should be like - a long conversation. After discussing that, you might actually get to the core of her real problem, and after that it should be easy to deal with the actual matter. Good luck ^^

 

[lswhyte123]

Allow me to start by saying that those replies are a sign of pure women logic. No offence to your girlfriend.

Moving on to suggestions, instead of giving static replies that rarely work in these situations (like "what's wrong?" or "can I help you?"), you'd better have an open conversation with her about why does she feel like giving you a fault here (by repeating the "you're never the bad guy" stuff) and that those "you don't care" things are not true. A girl is more likely to open when a guy uses more words when trying to help her. I guess that's what some of them think a guy's attention and care should be like - a long conversation. After discussing that, you might actually get to the core of her real problem, and after that it should be easy to deal with the actual matter. Good luck ^^

Thank you firstly for your honesty. It's not always PC to say women tend to do this or that. Glad you're honest about these things.
I think I know what you mean about trying to have an open conversation. My main issue this morning,was she didn't seem to want to talk at all. She just sighed or kept answers abrupt. When pushed she mentioned she had wanted to discuss it the night before but didn't want to ruin my night because I was happy after work.
I really have a hard time getting around this. If I'm nice, I'm an ass who doesn't care. If I ask, I'm only asking to make sure I'm right. it doesn't make much sense to me atm. But thank you. I will try tonight and discuss it with her and let her do the talking. +rep

 

[UchihaBrat]

... Sorry, I was about to give you some advice, but I gave up, I'm a bit tired, so I'll ask you instead:
Do you speak about each other's problems on a regular basis OR do you just go about your lives, not taking time to talk with one another?

Edit: Ok, it seems you talk, so ignore the question above. I need my sugar, I'll be back later.

 

[lswhyte123]

... Sorry, I was about to give you some advice, but I gave up, I'm a bit tired, so I'll ask you instead:
Do you speak about each other's problems on a regular basis OR do you just go about your lives, not taking time to talk with one another?

We do on occasion but it tends to result in an argument.
Advice is welcome btw.

I find that If I say to her how I feel about things, she takes it too personally and then gets defensive which in turn becomes aggresive. I tend to want to explain that it's fine for her to have moods whenever she wants and if she wants to be a bitch to me then that's kinda ok too,sometimes. But what gets me annoyed is not knowing why she acts a certain way. If she said that she was feeling annoyed because and then was mean or snappy, I'd be cool with it. Otherwise I assume it's me who's done something.

 

[LolaxXx]

Okay, so I'm making this thread for any & everyone. Few rules.

1: No Bashing on anyone. Gay/Straight/Bi whatever.
2: Be honest. If you have a situation you wanna discuss, tell it like it is. That way it's easiest for others to help.
3: Don't get offended if someone says something you don't agree with. If it sounds sexist, let them explain.
4: Try to write helpful comments, not ones which are abrupt and without forethought.

I know NB isn't exactly the best place for this. But this a good way to vent these issues without it coming to bite you in the a$$.

So I'll start with my own issue:

Recently me & the GF have not been seeing eye to eye and it resulted in an offensive argument. (fuelled by some booze)
That was about 3 days ago and it doesn't bother me much,cause venting is normal and living together can be hard. Especially when your moving alot.
I woke up this morning feeling good & positive. It lasted only a few minutes.

1: I get out of bed.
2: I say good morning and ask her how she slept.
3: I offer to make her coffee & breakfast.
4: I ask her whats bothering her as she is sighing and dismissing what I say and I felt I was being ignored and pushed away.
5: I mention that this is the sort of thing I had brought up in the argument and that her treating me like this each morning isn't fair.
6: She responds by saying "oh yeah, it's all my fault. You don't care about how I'm doing, you just care about urself." She tells me things at work had been bothering her.
7: I ask if there's something I can help with or If there's anything I can do.
8: She replies with " No you don't care. You just want to be right and make out like everything's my fault."
9: I tell her that, if she'd told me she was upset I could have done something about it or offered but that I felt she was just being nasty to me for no reason.
10: She says it's always about me and I'm never the bad guy and it doesn't matter how she feels etc.....she leaves for work.

So it turns out her collueges did some things together and didn't inlcude her cause she wasn't around. This is what caused this, this morning. This does happen relatively often and I try to handle with this method.

Any help please on how I can do better here?

Also thank for reading.

5: I mention that this is the sort of thing I had brought up in the argument and that her treating me like this each morning isn't fair.

9: I tell her that, if she'd told me she was upset I could have done something about it or offered but that I felt she was just being nasty to me for no reason.

I understand that you are genuinely trying to help...but when you say those things..she feels that what your saying is..

"Well if it werent for you doing this, then I wouldnt be doing this, and we wouldnt be doing this."

I know cuz thats just how we think.

 

[UchihaBrat]

We do on occasion but it tends to result in an argument.
Advice is welcome btw.

I find that If I say to her how I feel about things, she takes it too personally and then gets defensive which in turn becomes aggresive. I tend to want to explain that it's fine for her to have moods whenever she wants and if she wants to be a bitch to me then that's kinda ok too,sometimes. But what gets me annoyed is not knowing why she acts a certain way. If she said that she was feeling annoyed because and then was mean or snappy, I'd be cool with it. Otherwise I assume it's me who's done something.

Being defensive and taking things personally seems to me to be a phenomena of everyday life nowadays..
I think you need to explain to her that you're there to support her, because her getting defensive and so, indicates something has been misunderstood and hinders your helping/talking to her and even coming close to solving anything.
As for what makes her defensive all the time, is something for you to figure out.

Edit: Oh, and also: Try looking at how you interact with her, because one thing incites the other. If it's a problem of you two not being able to talk, then both of you are tied to the ends of that wall, building upon it by making a habit of not being able to speak.
It's a basic principle of relations to others, it takes two to create one, even if the other part is nothingness.

To say it all in clear text: What the girl hinted in the post above, is more or less correct. The two of you are making this happen, not only one of you, because no matter whom starts it, the other still continues.

 

[lswhyte123]

5: I mention that this is the sort of thing I had brought up in the argument and that her treating me like this each morning isn't fair.

9: I tell her that, if she'd told me she was upset I could have done something about it or offered but that I felt she was just being nasty to me for no reason.

I understand that you are genuinely trying to help...but when you say those things..she feels that what your saying is..

"Well if it werent for you doing this, then I wouldnt be doing this, and we wouldnt be doing this."

I know cuz thats just how we think.

Thank you for being honest about that. I will watch what I say much more carefully from now on. +rep for honesty.

Being defensive and taking things personally seems to me to be a phenomena of everyday life nowadays..
I think you need to explain to her that you're there to support her, because her getting defensive and so, indicates something has been misunderstood and hinders your helping/talking to her and even coming close to solving anything.
As for what makes her defensive all the time, is something for you to figure out.

Thank you for the advice. I will try and keep this in mind in the future. I think you're right though, somethings will need to be discussed.

Thanks again Lara as well.

I will keep you all updated as to how things go tonight. Thanks a million

 

[Chicken Soop]

Dude. When is the last time you have taken her out..? She needs her man right now, take her somewhere. Get her mind off of whatever is bothering her. If you aren't romantically inclined, then reach a little and make something happen!

Sit her under the night sky, and tell her that one day you both will have as many babies as the stars in the sky. Tell her that you are her man, and if she wants to waste time with worries and dismiss you because "you don't care about her" you let her know you can drop her back off at the train station very quickly.

"9: I tell her that, if she'd told me she was upset I could have done something about it or offered but that I felt she was just being nasty to me for no reason."

You need to read these things bro. She doesn't need to tell you shit. She obviously feels she can't confide in you, which is very bad. You never offer to do something for your girl, you just do it.

-------

Alright, since you edited your first post, I guess I can contribute a little. I am a pretty good looking guy, very smart and full of energy. I do have a serious problem though... I am way too observant. Don't use the bathroom at my house and touch my face without washing your hands.

I put the food on the table, and I put the woman to bed. If I'm letting you stay in the home I pay for, I don't want to come home to a mess. I don't want to come home to your friends on my couch with their shoes on telling me to get out of the way of the TV. Lol @ its my TV.

WHAT...? The dishwasher that worked 3 days ago is broken? Oh no, god forbid you use your hands. Maybe I should be dating Amish?
Seriously.

This is exactly why I don't date any of the girls I bring home.
But my friends tell me I have no room to be so critical, and I'm impossible to please.
Damn right! If proper hygiene is so impossible, please just leave me to my One Piece lol

 

[lswhyte123]

Dude. When is the last time you have taken her out..? She needs her man right now, take her somewhere. Get her mind off of whatever is bothering her. If you aren't romantically inclined, then reach a little and make something happen!

Sit her under the night sky, and tell her that one day you both will have as many babies as the stars in the sky. Tell her that you are her man, and if she wants to waste time with worries and dismiss you because "you don't care about her" you let her know you can drop her back off at the train station very quickly.

"9: I tell her that, if she'd told me she was upset I could have done something about it or offered but that I felt she was just being nasty to me for no reason."

You need to read these things bro. She doesn't need to tell you shit. She obviously feels she can't confide in you, which is very bad. You never offer to do something for your girl, you just do it.

-------

Alright, since you edited your first post, I guess I can contribute a little. I am a pretty good looking guy, very smart and full of energy. I do have a serious problem though... I am way too observant. Don't use the bathroom at my house and touch my face without washing your hands.

I put the food on the table, and I put the woman to bed. If I'm letting you stay in the home I pay for, I don't want to come home to a mess. I don't want to come home to your friends on my couch with their shoes on telling me to get out of the way of the TV. Lol @ its my TV.

WHAT...? The dishwasher that worked 3 days ago is broken? Oh no, god forbid you use your hands. Maybe I should be dating Amish?
Seriously.

This is exactly why I don't date any of the girls I bring home.
But my friends tell me I have no room to be so critical, and I'm impossible to please.
Damn right! If proper hygiene is so impossible, please just leave me to my One Piece lol

Okay to start. We probably went out together for dinner at most a month ago. I also took her to Finland for a few days about a week ago. I'm not stingy and certainly don't hold back on treating her,if I can.
Every other night I give her a massage while I never get sh*t.
Tbh, I think I'm pretty giving. This isn't the first month of dating or anything, we've been together almost three years. Being corny or changing my behaviour too much is dumb cause it's not something you can keep up. Learning what you're doing wrong and how to do better, is realistic.

Before I continue, The stars thing. I would never use that much cheese in any conversation and I'm French(well half).

I don't think I've ever heard of a nice & caring person who holds themselves with such a high regard as you seem to. No one is perfect.
If you think you're the full package, you're probably not.
Hygiene is fine, doesn't sound like you're over the top there.
The way in which you phrased things though, did make you seem a little chauvanistic. I don't mean to hate , but you sound like you are too in love with yourself and not actually interested in dating others.
If you're bringing girls home that you're not dating, that would kinda proves my point.

Thanks for the advice though. I will try and make her feel more special more often.

 

[Chicken Soop]

Being corny or changing my behaviour too much is dumb cause it's not something you can keep up. Learning what you're doing wrong and how to do better, is realistic.

Before I continue, The stars thing. I would never use that much cheese in any conversation and I'm French(well half).

I don't think I've ever heard of a nice & caring person who holds themselves with such a high regard as you seem to. No one is perfect.
If you think you're the full package, you're probably not.
Hygiene is fine, doesn't sound like you're over the top there.
The way in which you phrased things though, did make you seem a little chauvanistic. I don't mean to hate , but you sound like you are too in love with yourself and not actually interested in dating others.
If you're bringing girls home that you're not dating, that would kinda proves my point.

Thanks for the advice though. I will try and make her feel more special more often.

I've had too many white socks gone dirty walking up into people's houses after I take my shoes off at the door, even though my shoes are the only pair there.

Of course I am in love with myself. If I didn't, how could I expect anyone else to?

Honestly the only advice I could give you is switch the game up.

 

[lswhyte123]

I've had too many white socks gone dirty walking up into people's houses after I take my shoes off at the door, even though my shoes are the only pair there.

Of course I am in love with myself. If I didn't, how could I expect anyone else to?

Honestly the only advice I could give you is switch the game up.

Thanks for the advice. But there is a difference between having love for yourself and loving yourself or holding yourself too highly.
Let others love the good things about you, you should focus on giving them something, more than an under-cover-shuffle.

 

[UchihaBrat]

So, how has things been going??

 

[lswhyte123]

So, how has things been going??

They are better thanks.

1: I am just listening when she speaks, not giving opinions.
2: I am gonna take her out over the weekend.
3: We spoke a bit about it but I'm chalking this up to another one of 'those' arguments & it also being her stress that she takes out on me.
4: It's not what I'd call over, but I'm gonna focus more on me and less on her attitude. If she's pissy, I'll let her be pissy and stay out the way.

The advice given was reassuring and helpful though, so thanks everyone.

 

[UchihaBrat]

They are better thanks.

1: I am just listening when she speaks, not giving opinions.
2: I am gonna take her out over the weekend.
3: We spoke a bit about it but I'm chalking this up to another one of 'those' arguments & it also being her stress that she takes out on me.
4: It's not what I'd call over, but I'm gonna focus more on me and less on her attitude. If she's pissy, I'll let her be pissy and stay out the way.

The advice given was reassuring and helpful though, so thanks everyone.

Good to hear! Good Luck!