Tennis Robot
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Back (like cooked crack)
If you never see me around here, ignore this (if you do; I leave the decision in your hands lol)
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I’m not sure what to say or how to say this (as usual), but I will try my best (it once again turned out really long and rambly, so thank you/sorry in advance if you decide to read it lol):
TL;DR:
If you never see me around here, ignore this (if you do; I leave the decision in your hands lol)
No previews
.
.
.
.
I’m not sure what to say or how to say this (as usual), but I will try my best (it once again turned out really long and rambly, so thank you/sorry in advance if you decide to read it lol):
If you have seen me here over the course of the last ~6 months, I’m sure you have noticed me gradually kind of fading away into some kind of uh…thing with next to no self-respect. I thought it was a good idea (sort of) because I was terrified at the thought that I could have a negative effect on anyone’s life, so I figured that if I just tried to be nice to people and kind of let them trample over me, I could not only avoid being hated, but maybe help a few people out as well. However, I think that actually amplified my fear of being hated, because I couldn’t fathom how it was possible for me to be considered bad given my intentions, and seeing even the slightest hint of dislike toward me would drive me insane (anyone who I actually talk to frequently is probably very aware of this), and I would not only take my attempts to understand what I was doing wrong much too far, but I would kind of beat the shit out of myself inside as well. I would even do it over things that weren’t there at all, which led to me actually creating more problems for myself. I became paranoid about it, and that made things even worse.
Anyway, it got worse than ever this last Sunday, and I ended up staying awake all night thinking about how bad everything I had done must have been, and how disgusting of a person I must be. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I even thought about ending my own life for a while. I can explain that later if you really want me to.
So on Monday, I continued torturing myself mentally all morning, but I was fortunately interrupted by someone from here who will probably never see this (lol), and she helped me realize what the problem really was, which saved me from…a lot of agonizing, self-deprecating days (or months) of thinking haha. So yeah she’s the best
I also should thank two people who are much more likely to see this, because they were the ones whom I drove myself to rock bottom thinking I had been…bad to (I can’t think of a good adjective and that’s a really weird sentence anyway). I won’t say their names, and honestly I kind of doubt that they will even know that I am talking about them hahaha. But yeah thank you, whether you know who you are or not
Lastly, I owe both a thanks and an apology to the entirety of NB for both tolerating and being forced to witness (respectively) what I became.
And now, I arrive at my point lol. Basically, I exist again. I’m not sure if I will abandon my ideals, but I am willing to take by my identity or something like that. Thank you for reading this far (if you have read this far). I hope you are able to believe all of this; it means a lot more to me than it probably should. I love you guys.
Anyway, it got worse than ever this last Sunday, and I ended up staying awake all night thinking about how bad everything I had done must have been, and how disgusting of a person I must be. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I even thought about ending my own life for a while. I can explain that later if you really want me to.
So on Monday, I continued torturing myself mentally all morning, but I was fortunately interrupted by someone from here who will probably never see this (lol), and she helped me realize what the problem really was, which saved me from…a lot of agonizing, self-deprecating days (or months) of thinking haha. So yeah she’s the best
I also should thank two people who are much more likely to see this, because they were the ones whom I drove myself to rock bottom thinking I had been…bad to (I can’t think of a good adjective and that’s a really weird sentence anyway). I won’t say their names, and honestly I kind of doubt that they will even know that I am talking about them hahaha. But yeah thank you, whether you know who you are or not
Lastly, I owe both a thanks and an apology to the entirety of NB for both tolerating and being forced to witness (respectively) what I became.
And now, I arrive at my point lol. Basically, I exist again. I’m not sure if I will abandon my ideals, but I am willing to take by my identity
or something like that. Thank you for reading this far (if you have read this far). I hope you are able to believe all of this; it means a lot more to me than it probably should. I love you guys.TL;DR:
Thank you for putting up with my shit, sorry for making you put up with my shit, I’m back (like cooked crack), and I hope I will be (re)welcomed.
