Another uchiha who lived on...... ( first fan fiction might not be good.)

jaydennscott

Active member
Veteran
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
4,923
Kin
0💸
Kumi
0💴
Trait Points
0⚔️
The untold story of Uchiha, Sukotto Chapter 1
RED TEXt = Sukotto is talking
Green Text = Mei Mei
Blue Text = Mashu

On a dark windy night, The night of the Uchiha Massacre. Sukotto Uchiha stood at the Gates of Konoha, waiting in the shadows of an old oak tree, the only remaining tree of the village from before the nine tales attack 5 years ago, hidden in the shadows awaiting his squad members, dressed in jeans and a black hoodie he is well camouflaged against the night, and well hidden from anyone passing by. Flicking his long fringe from his face he leans back against the tree, he can feel his trusty sword well secured to his back where it usually sat, the night was very windy and no one seemed to be out and about, not even the guards had made an appearance while he waited.


After half an hour of waiting, his two other squad members arrive within minutes of each other, Mashu Henri and MeiMei Hyuga. As soon as Mashu sees Sukotto, his best friend but also Strongest rival, he shouts '' HEY SUKOTTO THIS IS SO EXCITING OUR FIRST A RANK MISSION!!'' he then runs towards Sukotto, but during his run to the tree where Sukotto is leaning, he trips over a stick on the ground and rolls down the hill screaming as he tumbled. Sukotto and MeiMei both ignore Mashu's usual hyperactive immature nature being quite used to his ways. As Mashu gets up and shakes his long red hair he Grumbles to himself '''' aww man i got dirt in my hair and there's a hole in my new cloak. MeiMei shakes her head, then walks over to Mashu and slaps him across the face, as she slaps him her long black hair whips in the wind and Mashu is once again on the ground DON'T ALWAYS BE SUCH AN IDIOT!. Mashu sits rubbing his cheek where he had been hit for a moment before he stands back up. Turning to his comrades he bows slightly and apologies while rubbing the back of his head im sorry...


Getting bored with the banter Sukotto walks over to where Mei and Mashu are and says in a quiet voice''Come on guys this is getting troublesome and boring, I'm going to do my mission.... The three shinobi then start their long walk to the village hidden in the grass. After a long night of walking, just before dawn, the three shinobi who are tired and sleepy, start hearing the whistling of wind, so Mei quickly activates her bakugan only to see three jounin ninja jumping in the trees beside them. Before even having a chance to alert the others of the pending attack whilst she is still making sure there are only three of them 8 kunai shoot out of the trees all with paper bombs attached, hearing the whistle of the blades cutting the air Mashu quickly performs Water Fang Bullet stoping the kunai
TO BE CONTINUED
 
  • Like
Reactions: ~The Norwegian~

-Kratos-

Banned
Regular
Joined
Jul 18, 2011
Messages
1,199
Kin
0💸
Kumi
0💴
Trait Points
0⚔️
The untold story of Uchiha, Sukotto Chapter 1
RED TEXt = Sukotto is talking
Green Text = Mei Mei
Blue Text = Mashu

On a dark windy night, The night of the Uchiha Massacre. Sukotto Uchiha stood at the Gates of Konoha, waiting in the shadows of an old oak tree, the only remaining tree of the village from before the nine tales attack 5 years ago, hidden in the shadows awaiting his squad members, dressed in jeans and a black hoodie he is well camouflaged against the night, and well hidden from anyone passing by. Flicking his long fringe from his face he leans back against the tree, he can feel his trusty sword well secured to his back where it usually sat, the night was very windy and no one seemed to be out and about, not even the guards had made an appearance while he waited.


After half an hour of waiting, his two other squad members arrive within minutes of each other, Mashu Henri and MeiMei Hyuga. As soon as Mashu sees Sukotto, his best friend but also Strongest rival, he shouts '' HEY SUKOTTO THIS IS SO EXCITING OUR FIRST A RANK MISSION!!'' he then runs towards Sukotto, but during his run to the tree where Sukotto is leaning, he trips over a stick on the ground and rolls down the hill screaming as he tumbled. Sukotto and MeiMei both ignore Mashu's usual hyperactive immature nature being quite used to his ways. As Mashu gets up and shakes his long red hair he Grumbles to himself '''' aww man i got dirt in my hair and there's a hole in my new cloak. MeiMei shakes her head, then walks over to Mashu and slaps him across the face, as she slaps him her long black hair whips in the wind and Mashu is once again on the ground DON'T ALWAYS BE SUCH AN IDIOT!. Mashu sits rubbing his cheek where he had been hit for a moment before he stands back up. Turning to his comrades he bows slightly and apologies while rubbing the back of his head im sorry...


Getting bored with the banter Sukotto walks over to where Mei and Mashu are and says in a quiet voice''Come on guys this is getting troublesome and boring, I'm going to do my mission.... The three shinobi then start their long walk to the village hidden in the grass. After a long night of walking, just before dawn, the three shinobi who are tired and sleepy, start hearing the whistling of wind, so Mei quickly activates her bakugan only to see three jounin ninja jumping in the trees beside them. Before even having a chance to alert the others of the pending attack whilst she is still making sure there are only three of them 8 kunai shoot out of the trees all with paper bombs attached, hearing the whistle of the blades cutting the air Mashu quickly performs Water Fang Bullet stoping the kunai
TO BE CONTINUED

I want to give you some advice if you don't mind. The story wasn't bad but the structure of this story was bad. It's a lot boring for me and for the others I assume when you don't put up a dialogue or at least make a clear structure.
Let me give you an example:

Sasuke: Hey Yamato, how are you today *Sasuke smiled*?

Yamato: *Yamato turns his back on Sasuke* After all you did you still talk to me?


See when you put word between the marks **, that means that you are writing one's actions, reactions, feelings, etc. The dialogue is better choice for you FanFic since it's more organized and you can easily know who's talking or doing an action, reacting or feeling.
But I like the way you colored the character's word, try to use that on the dialogues and it'll be more prettier. I like the story though, it was good, if you try following my tip you'll have a better FanFic believe me but remember FanFic's shouldn't have always a dialogue unless you planned that the character should talk a lot. :D
 
Last edited:

Avani

Supreme
Joined
Jan 26, 2009
Messages
20,221
Kin
5,794💸
Kumi
497💴
Trait Points
0⚔️
Your plot looks promising and interesting. :)

if you chose to go for script format for dialogues - never use *. Just IMO. English grammar provides inverted commas/quotes for it. You have used the standard thing. it's just fine as it is.

Here is a link which has some tips about fanfiction writings if you are interested.



There are some grammatical mistakes and tense mix up etc.. try to get a beta reader for it. or a friend who can help you sort this out.
 

-Kratos-

Banned
Regular
Joined
Jul 18, 2011
Messages
1,199
Kin
0💸
Kumi
0💴
Trait Points
0⚔️
Your plot looks promising and interesting. :)

if you chose to go for script format for dialogues - never use *. Just IMO. English grammar provides inverted commas/quotes for it. You have used the standard thing. it's just fine as it is.

Here is a link which has some tips about fanfiction writings if you are interested.



There are some grammatical mistakes and tense mix up etc.. try to get a beta reader for it. or a friend who can help you sort this out.
The reason that I told him to use dialogue was that it's more easy for me to use and it can be less disorder but I saw your the page you provided in your comment and it has some good tips so I'm thinking of using another way instead of a dialogue. Thanks
 
Top