Alternate Reality futures part 2: Tenten

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Amaterasuice

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This is where the others are (will add more as I continue).

Tenten's bio (I recommend reading the rest before you read this:
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Name: Tenten Hyuuga
Height: 5'4
weight: 107 lbs
Job: weapon instructor at academy
Rank: b-rank special jonin
Release: earth, wind release (only with fan)
Closely related family: Nej Hyuuga (husband), Gen Hyuuga (son), Tenchi Hyuuga (son)

Stat total: 26.5
Nin: 3.5
Tai: 4
Gen: 2
Intelligence: 4
Strength: 2.5
Speed: 4
Stamina: 3
hand seals: 3.5

Tenten was heartbroken at the death of Neji and didn't have the will to fight for awhile. Kakashi told her wouldn't let the boy die. He shocked everyone by saying that he had copied Chiyo's "One own's life reincarnation" and said that he will use it on Neji. Some people protested, but he waved them off. He stated, "Every single person from my age group have died in this war or prior; the only exception is Kurenai. Even Gai, Tenten and Lee's sensei. I can't just let both of their loved teammates die, especially seeing how Neji sacrificed himself for my own student." The moment was bittersweet when Kakashi gave his life for Neji, as some didn't know what to feel about it. Once Neji was revived however, Tenten ran and cried in his arms.
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Neji coming back to life and telling tenten he's okay.

At first, once Neji found out Kakashi sacrificed himself for him, Neji wasn't thrilled with it. In fact, he was mad at himself. But Naruto then said, "I'm going to miss Kakashi....I cared a lot about him.....but I'm glad to have you back."

As soon as the war was over, Tenten tried out for being a jonin, but failed. They said she wasn't strong enough, but Iruka came up to her with a different path. He told her if she became a special jonin, she could teach the kids at the academy weaponry. She actually agreed and became the "Weapon instructor".

She was taught kinjutsu by Mifune himself, chakra blades by Konohamoru, and even learned how to use a fan like Temari. Her weapon skills were even complimented by Suigetsu Hozuki, the third greatest ninja swordsman (after Tako Hoshigaki and Zangetsu Hozuki).

Besides weapon skills, her base stats increased a little as well. And she even learned earth release. She used mud to stick her enemie's legs together so she can easily defeat them with weapons.

Tenten and Neji became closer over the years, and got married. They had two sons shortly afterwards; Gin "Kakashi" Hyuuga and Tenchi Hyuuga. They decided since Gin had silver eyes, he should be named Gin, with Kakashi being his middle name. Both of her kids surpassed her; Tenchi Hyuuga became a a-rank jonin while Gin Hyuuga became a high s-rank Ninja.

Besides her relationship with Neji, she became closer friends with Temari, Hinata, Lee, and Suigetsu. She was devastated when she found out Karin and Suigetsu were murdered. She went to their funeral, and later helped train Ameyuri Hozuki to help Zangetsu defeat Tako Hoshigaki.

Neji was once again killed by a neo akatsuki member by the name of, "The reincarnation of Sasori; Tonbo of the red sand" and her partner, "Greyden of the elements". She was going to go avenge his death in her sorrow, as she wasn't thinking straight. But Shikamaru had to capture her to stop her from dying as well.

She went to Neji's funeral later, and was proud to find out her son Gin and His friend Bakura Uchiha killed the Akatsuki duo that killed her Husband.

She died at the age of 77, with no regrets. She was happy that she'll finally see her husband again.
 
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SilverDuck

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Do you even attempt proof reading? There are just so many spelling and grammatical errors, it makes me doubt that you proof read or spell check. You really should get into the habit of it, if you intend on people taking anything your write seriously. I'm not trying to be an *******, or anything, but I really believe that people should at least try to write well when they're making long posts like this. It doesn't bother me in random posts, and text messages. Just in actual pieces. You expect us to take the time to read, and comment for you. Don't you think you should make it as easy as you can on the reader by making it correct, and clear? Instead of us having to wonder what you mean in certain parts because the English is so poor?
 

Amaterasuice

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Do you even attempt proof reading? There are just so many spelling and grammatical errors, it makes me doubt that you proof read or spell check. You really should get into the habit of it, if you intend on people taking anything your write seriously. I'm not trying to be an *******, or anything, but I really believe that people should at least try to write well when they're making long posts like this. It doesn't bother me in random posts, and text messages. Just in actual pieces. You expect us to take the time to read, and comment for you. Don't you think you should make it as easy as you can on the reader by making it correct, and clear? Instead of us having to wonder what you mean in certain parts because the English is so poor?

Thanks. I was busy, but I'll try and fix it (I'm on my ipad so it's awkward). XD
 

SilverDuck

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Eh, I'm not too impressed with this. And it has nothing to do with what I think about certain characters. I understand the point of these threads, and the idea itself is sound. I'm just not very impressed with the outcome. Especially the Karin+Suigetsu. It's your own biases, actually. Leading you to make hypothetical that don't hold any water. Naturally, we all have character bias, and that's fine, but you should be able to tone it down in your own writing.

Also not a fan of your story telling in general. It's very cliche, and cheesy. It sounds very forced when you're reading through it. Like.... To make a situation you would like to work out, you sacrifice any and all likelihood, making the situation seem even more unlikely. You're using characters that you didn't create to write a hypothetical based on a story you didn't create. It feels like you've absolutely disregarded the fact that the characters are what Kishimoto made them to be, not what you'd like for them. Making a character do something, say something, or act in a way that would absolutely go against said character is messed up. They say and do things that are completely uncharacteristic, and it makes the entire piece almost difficult to even finish.

That's my criticism. Take it, or leave it. I am an avid writer myself, so I hope you'll take my posts for what they really are; constructive criticism. When I put a piece out, I'm fully ready to hear any and all criticism, and I hope you understand the importance of it. I assume you want to become a better writer, correct? If so, that's something you'll have to grow to accept and understand. Good luck with future pieces.
 

SilverDuck

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If you'd like, I could correct it for you. I'm pretty good, and technical with my own language.
 

Amaterasuice

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If you'd like, I could correct it for you. I'm pretty good, and technical with my own language.

Eh, I'm not too impressed with this. And it has nothing to do with what I think about certain characters. I understand the point of these threads, and the idea itself is sound. I'm just not very impressed with the outcome. Especially the Karin+Suigetsu. It's your own biases, actually. Leading you to make hypothetical that don't hold any water. Naturally, we all have character bias, and that's fine, but you should be able to tone it down in your own writing.

Also not a fan of your story telling in general. It's very cliche, and cheesy. It sounds very forced when you're reading through it. Like.... To make a situation you would like to work out, you sacrifice any and all likelihood, making the situation seem even more unlikely. You're using characters that you didn't create to write a hypothetical based on a story you didn't create. It feels like you've absolutely disregarded the fact that the characters are what Kishimoto made them to be, not what you'd like for them. Making a character do something, say something, or act in a way that would absolutely go against said character is messed up. They say and do things that are completely uncharacteristic, and it makes the entire piece almost difficult to even finish.

That's my criticism. Take it, or leave it. I am an avid writer myself, so I hope you'll take my posts for what they really are; constructive criticism. When I put a piece out, I'm fully ready to hear any and all criticism, and I hope you understand the importance of it. I assume you want to become a better writer, correct? If so, that's something you'll have to grow to accept and understand. Good luck with future pieces.

Ah. I see. But the Karin+Suigetsu I actually see happening, (I'm more of a Sasukarin person honestly, but a chidori through the chest ruins that).

I appreciate your criticism. I agree that I'm not the best writer (I'm only 14 XD). But the reason I did Karin and Tenten first is that I do better as each one comes across. (If I butchered Sasuke's or Naruto's, I'd have people aiming to kill me).

As for the personality thing, I actually could imagine Kakashi saying that (he knows what it's like to lose comrads). And for Tenten, well, it would suck to lose your love you know? But I see your point on that part.

On the next one, I'll take all that into account. I'm doing Ino next. Any suggestions how to keep her in character? (She's not gonna have much sad sorrow). XD
 

Amaterasuice

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If this belongs in the fanfiction section, can a moderator move it there?
 
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