Regret was not a word I would choose to use – no, regret were for humans, weak humans that could not bear to see the weight of their own decisions, their own sins, and even their own lives. No, it was anguish that had overtaken me, a mere representation that my life had never been my own, and that each and every one of my choices were but simple moves on a chess board played by unknown hands. Sickened of being used, I sought to destroy every one of my manipulators – that I abandoned my humane feelings, my very flesh, to rid myself of the weaknesses that human emotions gave me.
What would become of one that was to kill mercilessly, with no guilt or sense of redemption? Were they simple mindless robots of this universe, only to be used? Was it those without feelings, or those with, that reigned over all?
These were the very questions that puzzled me as I sought to end up my own father’s life that night – as expected in his daily routine, he was sitting before the fountain on the far side of the tower in order to be granted a view of the cemetery far below. It was no surprise to me that he would choose to dwell on the past, where my mother had been an important figure in his life – what crazy memories or thoughts he had as he stared wist-fully at her grave, I would never know.
The guards behind him proved no challenge for me as I disposed of them quickly and silently, leaving two piles of ashes where their body was as their physical selves could not sustain a missing soul. It was only after I secured his death with a spell did I make my presence known.
“Why, hello, father,” I whispered in a mocking tone. “I do hope you are enjoying your last moments.”
For a moment, he did not move nor react to the pain within his body – the black magic was eating away at his heart, killing him slowly and painfully with each passing second.
“Is that you, my son?” he finally said softly. “Why is there so much hate in your voice?”
That was not the reply I had expected. I craved his merciful cries – I wanted to see him suffer as I had, for all the injustice and meaningless events he had caused me in my life.
“Hate?” I repeated. “No, I am above that now – there is no need for hate when things can simply be destroyed.”
“No, Jarvan, no.” That same exasperated sigh I’ve heard for years. “Destroying does not solve anything.”
At this, anger flared within me, and it took all I had within me to keep from striking him down at his very spot. “Does it, now?” I hissed. “Who was the one that sent me out for countless, bloody wars?!”
Rudely, I spun his chair around to face me. “Who was the one that continued on endless, meaningless, ****ing wars with the Noxians?!”
He didn’t reply, simply gazing at me with sorrowful eyes. “If it comforts you to kill me, son, do so then. Had I known that you harbored such a vengeance all along…” He closed his eyes, smiling, as I, disgusted, left him on the ground to die, the last of the magic burning his human heart away.
“…Oh, my dear Queen, you are correct…my life is indeed a regretful one…