[Comedy] Akatsuki's Day Off (Chapter Five)

[Chie]

Akatsuki's Day Off (Chapter 5)​

Hidan: Praissssse Jashinnnn!

Kakuzu: Say what.

Hidan: I have to complete my ritual to honor Lord Jashin soon, loser.

Kakuzu: Not like he exists.

Hidan: Take it back before Lord Jashin smites thee!

Kakuzu: He's a fraud you invented with your deluded imagination. Who's your god now?

Hidan whispers to himself.

“Lord Jashin, please forgive the ignorant Kakuzu.”

Kakuzu: I don't give a care for what your precious Jashin thinks of me.

Hidan: Yeah, and I could care less for what you think about the almighty Jashin. I have to do my ritual right now.

Hidan stabs himself and commences the ceremony, praying as well.

Kakuzu: Do you really have to do something so morbid right here at this busy street corner?

Hidan: Look at the bright side. When I do this, it causes people to run away in fear and thus the way for us to walk is cleared. I'll be done in a few minutes.

Kakuzu: Darn. I have to deal with this for an entire day.

Hidan: Nope. You have to deal with this for as long as you have me as a partner. The end is far from now. Our comradeship is just beginning.

Kakuzu: It's times like this that I wish I wasn't immortal.

Hidan: You can give me the five hearts you have and then die. That way, I have more things to offer up to Jashin.

Kakuzu: Shut up.

Hidan gets up and ceases praying on the side.

Hidan: No worries, I'm done.

Kakuzu: Have you seen any money around here?

Hidan: Thought I saw a bank a few minutes before. Let's backtrack.

Kakuzu: You tell me this now?

Hidan: I was busy thinking of how to appease Jashin. You cannot blame me!

Kakuzu: Okay. I'll enter and you can wait here. You tend to go a little insane when confronting people. Make me proud and don't get involved this time.

Hidan: I'm not here to make you proud, only to make Jashin proud.

Kakuzu: Alright? Maybe that's why you should stay out of it. Since Jashin doesn't care about money.

Hidan: That's right. You pursue stupid things like cash while I do what I want.

Kakuzu, exasperated, turns away and enters the bank.

Every person stares in the intimidating nukenin's direction.

Kakuzu pulls a bag out of his inner coat pocket. He walks directly toward the teller and black threads emerge from his body. The threads pointing directly at the teller's throat and the rest of the staff.

Kakuzu: Put all the money you can fit in this bag.

Pure shock and fear spread across everyone's faces. The teller's face is white as snow, especially with the immortal creature glaring at him.

Teller: Wh-why?

Kakuzu: So you all can keep your hearts.

The transaction happens smoothly and Kakuzu leaves the bank with a bag full of cold cash. Hidan follows Kakuzu and the two continue walking through the town. The bank does not dare report the incident out of fear. There are no shinobi inhabiting their area, and thus no one to defend them if they were to report the nukenins and they came seeking vengeance as a result.

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[NineSNS]

I'm sorry - I read all five straight through. I Need to go back and thank/like the others.

 

[Chie]

I'm sorry - I read all five straight through. I Need to go back and thank/like the others.

Glad that you liked them.

 

[Disquiet]

The first three are too short, in my opinion. It comes across as maybe having run out of ideas too fast. That said, it's also obvious that you wanted the focus of the chapter to be on particular scenes. In fact, taking a look at the time the first three were released, there's only a few minutes between each of them. I doubt you weren't consciously aware how short they are, so if length was any concern, you would have just made three chapters into one. So I'm going to conclude you didn't want one scene distracting from the other.

Now, imagining what it was to make you feel it'd be distracting, I notice that this is primarily dialogue. So, you probably felt the lack of narration would make the transition from one scene to another awkward and untidy, and most importantly, too sudden and out of nowhere. This is the only reason I see for the first three beginning and ending very shortly, with the following chapter starting on a different scene. Though it doesn't really explain why the dialogue itself between the two characters in the first three isn't longer. I'm guessing because it's something new and you just have to get into your groove. Personally, I don't care, and I actually prefer reading short chapters comapred to long ones. I don't know if you plan on entering the FF with this though, which I believe there is a minimum for how short a chapter can be (some short chapters have gotten in if the following or previous chapters made up for it in length, of course this is really subjective). It's also something I'd strongly recommend against if this was a story you were taking seriously (though I think you already know this), but I don't think it's nothing to really worry about if this is all for fun.

Another reason why I like reading the short chapters, with this story in particular, is because it feels as if I'm reading a manga one page at a time, despite it being labeled a chapter. After absorbing the details of the first chapter, it feels like I'm turning the page when I go the next chapter. Perhaps you can help with this experience by including links to the next chapter?

As for the dialogue, it's pretty good actually. It fits them. I think if you tried to get too fancy with it, it would seem out of character. I read it and actually feel like I'm reading Kishi's characters and not some fan's version of the characters. I think if anything doesn't need any changing, it'd be this aspect.

 

[Chie]

The first three are too short, in my opinion. It comes across as maybe having run out of ideas too fast. That said, it's also obvious that you wanted the focus of the chapter to be on particular scenes. In fact, taking a look at the time the first three were released, there's only a few minutes between each of them. I doubt you weren't consciously aware how short they are, so if length was any concern, you would have just made three chapters into one. So I'm going to conclude you didn't want one scene distracting from the other.

Now, imagining what it was to make you feel it'd be distracting, I notice that this is primarily dialogue. So, you probably felt the lack of narration would make the transition from one scene to another awkward and untidy, and most importantly, too sudden and out of nowhere. This is the only reason I see for the first three beginning and ending very shortly, with the following chapter starting on a different scene. Though it doesn't really explain why the dialogue itself between the two characters in the first three isn't longer. I'm guessing because it's something new and you just have to get into your groove.

Truth be told, the day I typed this I was really bored and just thought I'd create a fanfic for the first time.

This was not taken very seriously and was mainly for my own entertainment purposes. I was very much aware of how short the first three were. I just didn't really mind at the time. xD However, looking back it does look awkward.

For purposes of consistency and for the story to flow more, I do agree each should be longer. Later on, I might add more dialogue.

Personally, I don't care, and I actually prefer reading short chapters comapred to long ones. I don't know if you plan on entering the FF with this though, which I believe there is a minimum for how short a chapter can be (some short chapters have gotten in if the following or previous chapters made up for it in length, of course this is really subjective). It's also something I'd strongly recommend against if this was a story you were taking seriously (though I think you already know this), but I don't think it's nothing to really worry about if this is all for fun.

@bold- Same.

I don't plan on entering at the moment, no. It's just for fun at the moment. However, if later on I do decide to edit the first 3 and finish the story, then I guess I'd give it a shot.

Another reason why I like reading the short chapters, with this story in particular, is because it feels as if I'm reading a manga one page at a time, despite it being labeled a chapter. After absorbing the details of the first chapter, it feels like I'm turning the page when I go the next chapter. Perhaps you can help with this experience by including links to the next chapter?

Well, it is mainly dialogue so I can understand why it'd feel like reading a manga page.

And yes, I will edit later and include links.

As for the dialogue, it's pretty good actually. It fits them. I think if you tried to get too fancy with it, it would seem out of character. I read it and actually feel like I'm reading Kishi's characters and not some fan's version of the characters. I think if anything doesn't need any changing, it'd be this aspect.

Thanks. I think this is the most important part. (At least to me.)

I'm not all that fond of characters that seem OOC in a fic. U_U

~Thank you for your constructive criticism. It is very much appreciated. ^^

 

[Disquiet]

Thanks. I think this is the most important part. (At least to me.)

I'm not all that fond of characters that seem OOC in a fic. U_U

~Thank you for your constructive criticism. It is very much appreciated. ^^

It's the most important part to me as well, aside from entering the contest the length doesn't have much signigicance, particularly if it's just for fun (and even if this was serious, how short or lenghty it should be is still something that's subjective). I hesitated to write all that since a large part of me suspected you're doing this for fun. You have great dialogue though, which helped to persuade me in giving in.


You're welcome .