[Other] A Hidden Hatred

Cyanide Addiction · Jun 30, 2013

So it seems I've got another story
Of a tale of a hatred hidden deep within
It's a piece of not so ancient history
I haven't all day so let's begin

He saved himself and her from the noose
But in the process she lost his respect
And when the night came his demons got loose
She threw it all away because it wasn't "perfect"

Now this time was the first or hardly the last
But it was the defining moment of his young life
He can't recall how he felt for her in the past
And it's to late to uncut what was carved with a knife

He prayed for peace of mind
And he prayed for good fortune that would never arrive
What he got was hatred of the darkest kind
Not even God knows if he'll manage to survive

He just couldn't forgive her for burning it all down
His life fell through his fingers like the charred ashes
What was once a child's smile became a permanent frown
And now all he can do is focus on the ever deeper bloody gashes..

So that's where the story is today
Where it goes tomorrow is anyone's guess
If she asked if he hated her I know what he'd say
His answer would be an immediate "HELL YES!"

~Sasuke~ · Jun 30, 2013

That's some awesome poetry

Jonin Rank Spy · Jun 30, 2013

Hmm so deep yet beautiful...IAM ABOUT TO CRY

FireBird Marco · Jun 30, 2013

Childish junk...

Cyanide Addiction · Jun 30, 2013

FireBird Marco said:
Childish junk...

Alright, this sort of thing right here irritates me. It's one thing to not like something. It's another to leave snotty commentary. You want to talk about "childish junk" ? Let's get started with your reply. It's only two words. Not very intelligent words either. If you're going to criticize something, then do it right.
Here are a few flaws in it that I.. found myself;

It's a bit on the emo side, with the bloody gashes line, but hell it rhymes, and it emphasizes the emotional mixture of hating himself for hating another.
Some of the metaphors are a bit on the corny side, and some just too plain for my tastes. I could have done better there.
It's a little on the vague side. It doesn't give as much detail as I wanted, but I felt I was making it too long.
Frankly, I would have preferred to use names, but I don't want to hear anyone b!tching about how I'm writing sh!t about them. Whoever I am talking about in this will remain anonymous. Period.

That is how you criticize something. Dissect it. Take it apart, and point out all it's pros', and all it's cons'. Okay? Good.
~End of Lecture~