Mr. Germanicus was right about everything ^.^ Try imagery. I like to work my mind and challenge it with larger words so a thesaurus is now your best friend. ^^
German is correct of course. However I agree with this as well, just be careful on the words you choose in a thesaurus. You don't want to insert words that are uncommonly used and leave your reading going WTH it takes away from the work.
My bad about taking so long to get back to you on this. I've been busy removing vsftpd from my server and installing pureftpd and then further configuring it. Though now that all is said and done, I'll give your FF a good reading. Apologies again for the wait.
Done reading. So, aside from a few typos here and there it is fairly well written. Your use of description is done quite well. A few things that could be done differently is paragraph merging and breaking. To keep things clean, like conversations, never have two separate people speaking in the same paragraph. At some points some things could have used a little more description, but then again that is up to the writers discretion.
I'm not going to go through and point out all your typos, as that would be kind of douchy. I hope you continue writing your fan fics on NB, and continue to improve. ;D
Agreed as well but a little CnC is a good thing as well Zombie. Pointing out someones mistakes allow them to not make the same ones again. We both know this from other ff's we have seen. O_O
OT:
Sweat
beading down his forehead, Ace and Hikari ran through the woods. If you're sticking with a past tense, then make sure your words stay with the correct tense. It's tricky at times but in this case it's wrong. "Sweat
beaded down his forehead
as Ace and Hikari ran through the woods." Just wanted to point this out so you can catch this next time.
Hikari nodded as she kept
in stride with Ace. Bold was added.
I'm not going to point out all the mistakes, it would be too time consuming; my apologies. However there were many simple mistakes in your sentences.
Like forgetting the word to in one of the sentences ect. You need to develop your sentences better as Zombie pointed out. As German said, you need imagery to paint the picture better for the story. Inserting pictures into your ff isn't the same and in my opinion I would have used the descriptive words instead. To each our own though.
It's not bad for your first as I have seen worse. xd Keep working hard and you will improve with time.
