Jokes

[zumorikato]

Hi Guys/Girls.

I created this thread for people to tell and share jokes.

Here is some English to Japanese translations for you.


1) That?s not right = Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive= Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP = Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man = Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse= Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach = Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table= Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift = Chin Tu Fat

9) It?s Very dark in here = Wai So Dim

10) I Thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone= No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week = Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight = Lei Ying Lo

14) He?s cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odour is offensive = Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great= Fa Kin Su Pah

If you didnt get some, its ok. Tell more jokes and applaud those you laughed at.

Just keep things above the belt as much as possible please ; )

 

[-Andy-]

i didnt get any 1 of them :S are they even jokes?

 

[platinum69]

Ok there was this man whom went to Japan to teach English...

He first told them about colours... Green and yellow...

and asked them to make a sentance from it... so one student said....

The phone went green green and I picked it up and said yellow!!

 

[Sasuke Uzumaki]

There's no way I can surpass you, I know similar ones... but they are in Spanish!

And they compare Japanese with Chinese, btw.

 

[platinum69]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[zumorikato]

i didnt get any 1 of them :S are they even jokes?

Dont worry my patient, you still remember zhe Doc ja? I can treat you with medication, but Im not sure if there is a cure for zhe problem. ; )

if you have a joke, post it, so we can have a laugh ; )

 

[platinum69]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

*****************************************


Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'



***********************************************


A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


***************

***************


lives

 

[zumorikato]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

hahahahaha


you crank me up!!!!!!!!!! this just made my day!!! Im goint ot forward this to all my lawyer friends!!!! ; )

 

[platinum69]

There's no way I can surpass you, I know similar ones... but they are in Spanish!

And they compare Japanese with Chinese, btw.

Baby i know you have really good one as you make me LMAO!! all the time!!

 

[Dean-Winchester]

wow just wow

:asuma:U_U:|

 

[platinum69]

Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"


Yo mamma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.


Yo mamma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits A-R-O-U-N-D the house.


Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?
The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.



Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.

Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.

Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.





Your Momma's so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap!



Yo Mamma's so far, a friend showed her a picture of her feet.
She didn't recognize them.


Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application.


your momma's so poor when she was kicking a can on a street someone asked her what she was doing she responded"I'm moving my house.


Your mamma is so fat, when God said let there be light,she had to move!


Your Mama is so stupid, she sits on the Television and watches the sofa.


Yo mamma's cross-eyed, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!


Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.



Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.
Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.
Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she flipped the switch.

 

[Dean-Winchester]

Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"


Yo mamma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.


Yo mamma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits A-R-O-U-N-D the house.


Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?
The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.



Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.

Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.

Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.





Your Momma's so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap!



Yo Mamma's so far, a friend showed her a picture of her feet.
She didn't recognize them.


Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application.


your momma's so poor when she was kicking a can on a street someone asked her what she was doing she responded"I'm moving my house.


Your mamma is so fat, when God said let there be light,she had to move!


Your Mama is so stupid, she sits on the Television and watches the sofa.


Yo mamma's cross-eyed, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!


Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.



Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.
Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.
Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she flipped the switch.

ROLFLMAO

HEY don't b talking about my momma

 

[zumorikato]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for you're ar$e, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.


This is what they call toilet humour!!!! ; )

 

[zumorikato]

For some of the woman!!! ; )


1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2
Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.


3.Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
them.


4.
Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.


5.
Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they
say.

7.
Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.
Men are like
Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to
mature.

9.
Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

10.
Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.
Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.
Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.
Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.

 

[zumorikato]

Does the manager / management know who u are?

Walking into the factory, the MD noticed a guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He calmly said to the young man, "How much do you earn?"

"I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. WHY?" Without answering, the MD took out his wallet, and gave him $6000.00 cash saying,

"Around here I pay people for working, not standing around doing nothing!!! Here is 3 months salary, now get out and don't come back!" Whereupon the young man disappeared.

Noticing onlookers, the MD said, "That applies to everybody in this company." He approached one of the onlookers and asked him "Who's this guy I've just fired?"

The guy replied, "HE WAS THE PIZZA DELIVERY MAN, SIR!"

 

[Geezus]

Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"


Yo mamma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.


Yo mamma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits A-R-O-U-N-D the house.


Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?
The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.



Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.

Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.

Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.





Your Momma's so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap!



Yo Mamma's so far, a friend showed her a picture of her feet.
She didn't recognize them.


Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application.


your momma's so poor when she was kicking a can on a street someone asked her what she was doing she responded"I'm moving my house.


Your mamma is so fat, when God said let there be light,she had to move!


Your Mama is so stupid, she sits on the Television and watches the sofa.


Yo mamma's cross-eyed, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!


Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.



Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.
Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.
Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she flipped the switch.

Lol. Original.

 

[konoha s beautiful beast]

I wrote a joke if you remember.you can find it.it was pretty funny

 

[Artimis]

What do you call 3 white people on a banch?
THE NBA

 

[konoha s beautiful beast]

man was thinking...suddenly he noticed that thinking was a cool think and continued thinking...!

 

[Yachiru]

funny jokes ^^