[POEM]No name

[MetalDuck]

Raise your voices to the stars
Upon this silent alter
From lips to her brow
Still accused
Did I not bleed for you

I can't get the stain off
Burned by the foolish pride you left me
With idle hands I left love
I let it turn to dust
My blood runs cold
Her kiss a venomous taste
Roses turn to withered stalks
Alone I tread this path I walk

I can't get the stain off
I cannot take this
With my heart on my sleeve
Like a badge of sorrow
You made a fool of me
Now your blood is my desire
To drain you of life I must do
Give yourself to me
To walk away from light

Let me drown in the flood
Blind by the fear of what was
Some are kings
All are fools
None can last
None can choose
Take these scars
I gave a lifetime​

Again, no name. Suggestions for a name would be awesome. As well as all critique, and input. Thank you.

 

[Tsuki]

Nice poem ... but I really don't know what u could call it :shrug: Bloody Rose? (sorry, that's the only thing that came up in mind >.<)

 

[MetalDuck]

Nice poem ... but I really don't know what u could call it :shrug: Bloody Rose? (sorry, that's the only thing that came up in mind >.<)

That's not bad. You're looking at poetry the wrong way, though... There really is no such thing as a "bad" poem. If it has meaning to the author, then it is good. Plain and simple. Poetry is an art, and just like art, some people will get it, and others wont.

I appreciate the suggestion. I actually thought of that name, as well. But, for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to fit...

I always have problems with names for my poems... In fact, about 80% of my work has gone without a name because of it. And I really don't know why I have trouble with it. I think it is because I spend so much time on the poem itself, without even considering a name? When I write, and I am inspired, it kinda just flows naturally.

 

[ChrisWolf]

I like it, usually I name mine based on either the last few lines of the poem (because that finalizes it) or on the emotions that drove me to write it.

 

[MetalDuck]

I like it, usually I name mine based on either the last few lines of the poem (because that finalizes it) or on the emotions that drove me to write it.

Thank you.

Those are usually the first things that come to mind, but it seems like the emotion that inspired the work is gone the second I finish writing. So I have trouble REALLY capturing it, if you know what I mean?

 

[ChrisWolf]

Thank you.

Those are usually the first things that come to mind, but it seems like the emotion that inspired the work is gone the second I finish writing. So I have trouble REALLY capturing it, if you know what I mean?

Yes I know exactly what you mean, sometimes I have trouble with names as well....do you mind if I post one of my poems here and show you an example of how I name mine?

 

[MetalDuck]

No, I would appreciate that a lot.

 

[ChrisWolf]

I wanted to show you one that is a bit depressing but much like the one you wrote named "never be torn" but I am using my iPad and I can't download it for some reason, so here is a different one that i wrote for my current gf and love of my life. It's very different then yours obviously which is why I didn't want to use this one but oh well:

I adore her and her smile that lights my every path for an endless mile. I fall helpless before her beauty and every desire for her gaze and attention on me lights my very soul on fire.

I see her and every pain drenched in sickness fades away I see her and I realize she is the reason I awake to live everyday. I hear her laugh and suddenly my life has meaning I'm given hope, I make her laugh and I realize without her my heart can't cope.

I'm with her and already I dread when we part but I know when she leaves she will take with her my heart. I know she seeks love from others and not me but in my world she is the only happiness I see.

Her attention and care is my endless mission and to those who would seek her love for themselves I will never bow in submission. She is my nengan my hearts desire but to keep us apart her own ambitions conspire. She is my rose among thorns my candle in the darkness where she goes I go else I am left heartless.

She is my reason for singing when I hear no tune the beauty I desire like a wolf howling at the moon. She is the one sweet taste among the bitterness in my life for her I would bare any pain and an eternity of strife. I would conquer the world to brighten her day for she brightens mine in every way.

She is my hearts desire the image torturing my soul when she rejects my attention my heart burns and keeps on burning as if fueled by endless coal. She is my love my beautiful precious unrealistic expectation its her love in return I cannot rest while I seek this sensation. So that’s my purpose my unreasonable goal, None can break my spirit but she commands my soul.

The name of it is "broken soul" because in the last lines I am basically stating that she hasn't broken my spirit but she has broken my soul. My last lines usually finalize my poems by describing my exact meaning in the poem in the first place.

 

[ChrisWolf]

For instance you could name your poem "A lifetime of scars" maybe.

 

[MetalDuck]

For instance you could name your poem "A lifetime of scars" maybe.

You, sir, are incredibly talented. I get the way you do it, and I really like it. I don't think it would be correct to use for ALL of my work, but I see it as a good place to at least start. Kind of like the concluding paragraph in a book report, or something.

And "A Lifetime of Scars" is a PERFECT name. Thank you so much. It just feels right.

I appreciate it. If you want to show me any more of your work, that would be awesome! You could PM it to me, or something. I'll keep posting my work as I see fit, and your response is beyond appreciated.

By the way, it sounds like you have a keeper. Good for you. So do I. She and I have been together for more than 3 years, and your poem pretty much sums up the feelings I have for her, as well. If this girl inspired that work, then I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep her around.

With me, I was a horrible boyfriend for the first year, or so. I did a lot of stupid shit, and I am beyond lucky that she saw fit to stick it out with me. I wouldn't be alive without her. Went through a horrible pain pill addiction with her. Lied to her, cheated on her, and even stole from her. Just the normal, addict bullshit. But she stuck it out with me the entire time. Because of her, I can proudly say that I am 4 months clean, and a better person than I ever was. If she hadn't stuck around, I can almost guarantee you that I would have OD'd with a syringe in my arm on the toilet. I wish so hard that I could take away any of the pain I caused her. And I know there's a lot. Things that seem completely insane, and irrational to sober people are normal to addicts. I literally cringe when I think about what I must have put her through. And I could never understand the pain that I caused her.

Anyway, I am rambling. I am inspired to write something for her now. But not the normal, run-of-the-line love poem, as our relationship has been ANYTHING but normal. I want to write something that will show her that, while I don't understand the pain I caused, I do realize the mistakes that I have made, and that she is nothing short of a saint for staying with me. That is going to be my next piece. She is so beautiful, and she deserves it. Here's a picture of her:

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She's Native American. My little Pocahontas.

 

[vandell]

Raise your voices to the stars
Upon this silent alter
From lips to her brow
Still accused
Did I not bleed for you

I can't get the stain off
Burned by the foolish pride you left me
With idle hands I left love
I let it turn to dust
My blood runs cold
Her kiss a venomous taste
Roses turn to withered stalks
Alone I tread this path I walk

I can't get the stain off
I cannot take this
With my heart on my sleeve
Like a badge of sorrow
You made a fool of me
Now your blood is my desire
To drain you of life I must do
Give yourself to me
To walk away from light

Let me drown in the flood
Blind by the fear of what was
Some are kings
All are fools
None can last
None can choose
Take these scars
I gave a lifetime​

Again, no name. Suggestions for a name would be awesome. As well as all critique, and input. Thank you.

someone needs help' the poem sound like you need to lay down on a nice sofa or go to church for prayer, this is not a flame but just some advice