Ebi..
Sannin of the Scrolls 📜
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2012
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First of all I would like to say that this is not completed yet...
Second, my English III teacher saw me writing this and read it, he loved it and made me show it to my other classmates who also loved it. He told me that my story was good enough to be published...
Third, this is the history for my bio so I would like some feedback and again~(This Is Not Finished Yet)
Jack was born to a poor family in Kumakagure. At the age of 10, instead of playing and enjoying his childhood, Jack, was searching for a job; in hopes of supporting his family. Walking back home from one of his many job searches, he encountered a hidden camp, and observed that there were many enemy troops ahead; deciding it not to be wise if he were seen, he snuck away as quietly as he could, rushing back to his village in hopes of warning them of the incoming danger. Suddenly a large man came crashing down from the trees above, Jack tried to dodge, but the man was faster than him… Several hours later, Jack woke up with an excruciating pain to his head; memories came rushing to his mind and remembered what had happened, Jack ran as fast as he could back to his village. Blazing flames moving back and forth, houses crumbling down, butchered bodies along the way, Jack could barely contain himself upong seeing the horrific scenery, he looked frantically for his family in hopes of finding them alive… There stood his house among the rubble, barely recognizable, he opened the door...
The large man from before held Jack's older sister by the neck, his mother and grandfather laid already dead by his feet, turned back to look Jack in they eye. His sister cried out, trying to get Jack to run away, yet he didnt; he stood there frozen in the doorway looking at his sister... The man, still looking into Jack's eyes, snapped his sister's neck and threw her at his feet. Cries of pain and desolation, his family had been murdered in front of him, his sister, his mother, and his grandfather… there laid the three bodies lifelessly resting covered in blood. Clutching to his dead family members. Jack sobbed pained to have lost his family. Rage, bloodlust, hate, words could not describe his feelings for that man, he abruptly rushed towards him, grabbed an old rusty knife in the floor and dashed madly with blind rage trying to avenge his family.
The man grabbed the knife and punched Jack hard, sending him flying into what used to be his old bed... By the time jack woke up, he was inside a dark storage room filled with other kids around his age, if not older; the guards came by taking with them a group of kids every other day. Some came back safe, others covered in wounds, while others were never seen again. Certain kids were relunctant to talk when Jack questioned them about
their whereabouts, some were oblivious as to what had happened to them, and soon he struck some luck after asking some of the kids who came back...
Jack soon realized that he, like many other kids, were war orphans who had been kidnapped by mercenaries, and had been sold to a hidden village as slaves for entertainment. There was no escape, guards everywhere there wasnt a single weakness in their security, so any attempt of escape was hopeless. Days later, the guards came once more to take another group with them, this time Jack was among the chosen...
The kids asked where they were being taken, unlke Jack, many of them did not know about their horrible fate. The guards became very annoyed, so one began to answer their questions in hope of shutting them up; he explained that they were orphans who had been bought by their village as slaves for the entertainment of the villagers, they would be made to fight among themselves. Trembling in fear, cries, and tears began to swell; the kids were truly horrified. Cries of desperation were soon heard, as they begged the guards to help them, but they laughed at the kids and mocked them. The guard resumed where he left off, and told them that he only way to escape would be to win many battles and buy their own freedom, Jack became very intrigued by what the guards had said, and it really did seem like the only option from what he had observed. They were almost to their destination, but before the guards sent them in, they cackled and with a sickening grin, said... "The dogs will surely have something to eat tonight."... Jack was taken to some barracks filled with all sorts of long and short ranged weapons. He was told by some old guy to grap only two weapons for his upcoming fight. Jack had always had a fascination for swords, he had seen several at his old village but had never touched one; as soon as he grabbed the hilt and swung it around, he felt as a connection with the sword; it was as if it the sword itself was an extension of his arm, being cautious as he was, Jack picked a shield as well just to be on the safe side. He was thrown into a small caged ring, surrounded by many villagers, including women and kids, making bets; Jack glanced around one last time trying to find a way to escape but realized that there was no way out, and braced himself for the inevitable fight. A humongous kid around his age came out, their eyes met, Jack could feel the vague emptiness in his eyes, the light of innocence had been stripped away from him...
Despite the kid's plump appearance, Jack never expected him to be so agile. The pain was unbearable, the kid had slashed at the upper part of Jack's nose, the wound was deep enough to leave a scar later on. Jack tried to calm himself and began to analyze the situation. While he endured the constant attacks from the kid, Jack examinded his attacking pattern trying to find and opening, after a long waiting of dodging and defending from deadly attacks, he found and opening. Jack slashed with all his might, blood gushed out of the kid's body, tears in his eyes, crying out to jack with blood in his mout, too weakened to talk yet he gave his best effor to thank Jack; for helping him escape, escape out of his godforsaken life...
The crowds were cheering and laughing at the events that had happened, Jack on the other hand felt a terrible feeling for having killed another being, but he knew deep inside, that he needed to survive to exact his revenge on that man...
Days, weeks, months passed, and Jack was forced to kill again and again; he wondered if he would actually ever get out of there...
One day the guards came to announce something unexpected, "Today three of you will fight against our best men, win and you shall be freed." Jack raised his head and payed close attention to what they were saying, this was his one and only choice to be free. As good as the announcement was, nobody raised their hands, everyone quivered in fear. Of course they yearned for their freedom, but fighting against elites was impossible and only a foolish person would do it...
The guards noticed that the kids were hesitant to raise their hands, and so they decided to pick people at random.
Jack pondered about this for a few seconds and raised his hand, this was his only chance and he was not going to let it go away, the guards picked Jack and two other kids; they pleaded the guards to spare them but they just ignored their cries of help...
Second, my English III teacher saw me writing this and read it, he loved it and made me show it to my other classmates who also loved it. He told me that my story was good enough to be published...
Third, this is the history for my bio so I would like some feedback and again~(This Is Not Finished Yet)
Jack was born to a poor family in Kumakagure. At the age of 10, instead of playing and enjoying his childhood, Jack, was searching for a job; in hopes of supporting his family. Walking back home from one of his many job searches, he encountered a hidden camp, and observed that there were many enemy troops ahead; deciding it not to be wise if he were seen, he snuck away as quietly as he could, rushing back to his village in hopes of warning them of the incoming danger. Suddenly a large man came crashing down from the trees above, Jack tried to dodge, but the man was faster than him… Several hours later, Jack woke up with an excruciating pain to his head; memories came rushing to his mind and remembered what had happened, Jack ran as fast as he could back to his village. Blazing flames moving back and forth, houses crumbling down, butchered bodies along the way, Jack could barely contain himself upong seeing the horrific scenery, he looked frantically for his family in hopes of finding them alive… There stood his house among the rubble, barely recognizable, he opened the door...
The large man from before held Jack's older sister by the neck, his mother and grandfather laid already dead by his feet, turned back to look Jack in they eye. His sister cried out, trying to get Jack to run away, yet he didnt; he stood there frozen in the doorway looking at his sister... The man, still looking into Jack's eyes, snapped his sister's neck and threw her at his feet. Cries of pain and desolation, his family had been murdered in front of him, his sister, his mother, and his grandfather… there laid the three bodies lifelessly resting covered in blood. Clutching to his dead family members. Jack sobbed pained to have lost his family. Rage, bloodlust, hate, words could not describe his feelings for that man, he abruptly rushed towards him, grabbed an old rusty knife in the floor and dashed madly with blind rage trying to avenge his family.
The man grabbed the knife and punched Jack hard, sending him flying into what used to be his old bed... By the time jack woke up, he was inside a dark storage room filled with other kids around his age, if not older; the guards came by taking with them a group of kids every other day. Some came back safe, others covered in wounds, while others were never seen again. Certain kids were relunctant to talk when Jack questioned them about
their whereabouts, some were oblivious as to what had happened to them, and soon he struck some luck after asking some of the kids who came back...
Jack soon realized that he, like many other kids, were war orphans who had been kidnapped by mercenaries, and had been sold to a hidden village as slaves for entertainment. There was no escape, guards everywhere there wasnt a single weakness in their security, so any attempt of escape was hopeless. Days later, the guards came once more to take another group with them, this time Jack was among the chosen...
The kids asked where they were being taken, unlke Jack, many of them did not know about their horrible fate. The guards became very annoyed, so one began to answer their questions in hope of shutting them up; he explained that they were orphans who had been bought by their village as slaves for the entertainment of the villagers, they would be made to fight among themselves. Trembling in fear, cries, and tears began to swell; the kids were truly horrified. Cries of desperation were soon heard, as they begged the guards to help them, but they laughed at the kids and mocked them. The guard resumed where he left off, and told them that he only way to escape would be to win many battles and buy their own freedom, Jack became very intrigued by what the guards had said, and it really did seem like the only option from what he had observed. They were almost to their destination, but before the guards sent them in, they cackled and with a sickening grin, said... "The dogs will surely have something to eat tonight."... Jack was taken to some barracks filled with all sorts of long and short ranged weapons. He was told by some old guy to grap only two weapons for his upcoming fight. Jack had always had a fascination for swords, he had seen several at his old village but had never touched one; as soon as he grabbed the hilt and swung it around, he felt as a connection with the sword; it was as if it the sword itself was an extension of his arm, being cautious as he was, Jack picked a shield as well just to be on the safe side. He was thrown into a small caged ring, surrounded by many villagers, including women and kids, making bets; Jack glanced around one last time trying to find a way to escape but realized that there was no way out, and braced himself for the inevitable fight. A humongous kid around his age came out, their eyes met, Jack could feel the vague emptiness in his eyes, the light of innocence had been stripped away from him...
Despite the kid's plump appearance, Jack never expected him to be so agile. The pain was unbearable, the kid had slashed at the upper part of Jack's nose, the wound was deep enough to leave a scar later on. Jack tried to calm himself and began to analyze the situation. While he endured the constant attacks from the kid, Jack examinded his attacking pattern trying to find and opening, after a long waiting of dodging and defending from deadly attacks, he found and opening. Jack slashed with all his might, blood gushed out of the kid's body, tears in his eyes, crying out to jack with blood in his mout, too weakened to talk yet he gave his best effor to thank Jack; for helping him escape, escape out of his godforsaken life...
The crowds were cheering and laughing at the events that had happened, Jack on the other hand felt a terrible feeling for having killed another being, but he knew deep inside, that he needed to survive to exact his revenge on that man...
Days, weeks, months passed, and Jack was forced to kill again and again; he wondered if he would actually ever get out of there...
One day the guards came to announce something unexpected, "Today three of you will fight against our best men, win and you shall be freed." Jack raised his head and payed close attention to what they were saying, this was his one and only choice to be free. As good as the announcement was, nobody raised their hands, everyone quivered in fear. Of course they yearned for their freedom, but fighting against elites was impossible and only a foolish person would do it...
The guards noticed that the kids were hesitant to raise their hands, and so they decided to pick people at random.
Jack pondered about this for a few seconds and raised his hand, this was his only chance and he was not going to let it go away, the guards picked Jack and two other kids; they pleaded the guards to spare them but they just ignored their cries of help...
