it doesn't really matter what I do if I can't change. i'd try to change, those attempts will fail, then it's just a question of how depressed i am after my lifestyle can't be lived anymore. I have no real control over that. the one answer i see is adding a therapist or relatives and friends into the picture so i have a chance at getting better, but i'm not so open. only hope is then attempts at changing the person i am to open up. it's not even about becoming an open person though, because being open once doesn't make you open. maybe it's more akin to manning up, but ironically being viewed as more vulnerable than before. i think i can put my life above my ego or reputation.
if that fails or i fall back into that flawed lifestyle after already burdening everyone, i'd take myself to the grave. why live such a sad life where you hold so little control of even your own person? maybe believing i couldn't change was an error that was nearly as bad as having the lifestyle to begin with. maybe i could've changed if i had more faith and avoided the depression.
