Memory of the Water 3

Kuroi Honoo

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Note: I apologize again for how long I took to post this -_- Well here it is, the finale! I hope that it was worth the wait.

__________________________


Memory of the Water

Chapter 3: The Remembered, Part 3​


Both youths continued moving as quietly as humanly possible in search of an area where the sensor could recover.

Yasu: (In thought) I’m worried that we won’t make it out of this night...with our lives! Panting

Ao: (In thought) We might be caught before Yasu could even begin resting!

The two quietly thought to themselves, feeling best not to confide in each other as the negativity would only surmount to their inconceivable circumstance. While it was true that the young sensor required some much needed downtime as well as possessed fairly small chakra reserves, he retained one major factor; adept chakra control. This allowed him to use his reserves wisely and thus enabling him to excel passed others with larger reserves. Less than fifteen minutes of searching, they come across a fairly narrow passage through two mountains in close proximity to one another.

Yasu: (Whispering) I think this is okay, we’ll settle here for now. Panting

Ao: (Whispering) Alright..

Ao then takes hold of Yasu’s arm for support but the sensor suddenly pulls his upper limb away and stumbles against a few sturdy stones as he then falls to the ground. Ao ceased his movement and stood staring at his friend surprised. However, he almost instantly figured perhaps Yasu was openly venting out his frustration towards him for being such a coward this whole time.

Ao: (Lowered tone) What’s wrong?

Yasu: (Lowered tone) You need to man up. Stop being so soft... panting

Hoping his assumption wouldn’t ring true, Ao had decided to act oblivious and asked a clichéd inquiry which in turn his friend unfortunately confirmed.

Ao: (Lowered tone) ...I..I..was just trying to help-

Yasu: (Lowered tone) Enough...we have to get through this. panting

Knowing full well the more in depth change in Yasu’s demeanor only caused Ao to clam up further and the strong feeling of uselessness was returning. A hopeless Ao then nodded in agreement with a sorrowful visage that he couldn’t help but to express. Upon eyeing his response, Yasu placed his back against the earthy rigid wall and carefully slid to the ground, wincing a bit in pain as his friend followed suit. Silence quickly filled the breezy and cool pathway between the mountains in which they rested. Both boys remained alert as ever, however the sensor continued to fail to maintain his eyes open as he soon knocked out. His friend noticed this a moment later and he too felt drowsiness attempting to take over which produced immediate worry.

?: This is where you’ve been hiding, I see...

Only a little over an hour had passed and their cover was already discovered. A figure begins to gradually enter the gorge-like area. Ao’s wearied eyes widened in horror at the sight of this enemy. Words were unable to escape his partially opened mouth as his increased nervousness began to produce sweat beads across his forehead.

Ao: (Stuttered tone) Itt cccan’tt bee…

?: This has gone far longer than it should have.

Was uttered in an eerie tone as the enemy moved in closer, in a somewhat limping fashion with a hand placed upon the side of their torso which partially covered a fairly sized blood stain. Ao hesitantly stood up to his feet shaking and gradually placed his hand into his back pocket as he began to hyperventilate. Just as he is about to remove his hand from out of the pocket, an attack suddenly launches towards his and Yasu’s direction.

Yasu: Futton: Futtou-eki Nisu! (Boil Release: Hot liquid Veil)

A collision ensues between the enemy's assault and a blood orange hued dome-like mass; resulting in a burst of steam. The enemy then ceases their advance seeing as it was to no avail.

Yasu: (Lowered tone) Stay here, my technique will protect you.

Ao: (Lowered tone) ...Ookkay..

He responded, his head lowered with a discouraged and saddened visage as the sensing youth began stepping out of the boiling hemisphere and made his way towards their foe.

Yasu: (Raised tone) Koori!

Ao: (In thought) ...Pppllease..make it out of this alive my friend...please...

Koori: I’ll finally be done with you and the weakling will be next. Hyouton: Kongou Funjin. (Ice Release: Diamond Dust)

Frigid air expels from his mouth as it rapidly consumes the area around them. Goosebumps and an uncontrollable shivering takes over Yasu.

Yasu: (In thought) It’s becoming very hard to move, shit!

Condensed air is what is then exhaled by Yasu; indication of the weather in their immediate location having changed from fairly cool to freezing.

Yasu: (In thought) What can I do?!

Utilizing a Yuki Shunshin, Koori then reappeared aside an already aware Yasu who could barely react as he proceeded to kick him. It was a triumphant attempt due to his increasingly reduced bodily temperature as his body is thrusted into a nearby mountain. The Yuki male’s tactful skills granted him an almost effortless flow on the battlefield. He then begins preparing another technique as the sensor struggled to invoke one himself, having determined his next play.

Ao: (In thought) Oh no! I..I can barely see them...Yasu...

Koori: Hyouton: Shiroi Kurisumasu. (Ice Release: White Christmas)

Yasu: Futton: Futten! (Boil Release: Boiling Point)

A stream of icy particles is exhaled which quickly condensed into 12 inch sized snowflakes and 4 inch hailstones are projected onto Yasu. In turn, the sensor was able to narrowly activate his technique. His chakra temperature rapidly began increasing to the boiling point; causing his body to exude steam. Due to the change in body temperature, he was able to regain access to mobility but only to an extent as the two body temperatures waged war throughout his body. Even though this technique was a lesser variant of the Futton: Kairiki Musouu (Boil Release: Unrivalled Strength), he was still left unable to maneuver completely out of the looming spiky and blunt projectiles’ set trajectory. Numerous glacial objects are then lodged into various parts of Yasu’s body, pinning him onto the mountainous surface. Everything thus far going accordingly, the Yuki youth backs away quite a distance and proceeds to form a few hand seals. A somber expression grows overs Koori’s visage as he assuredly chooses to use a technique previously called upon.

Koori: My most powerful technique will be the final thing you see. Hyouton: Maboroshi Shiroi Senkou. (Ice Release: White Flash Phantom)

Chakra is condensed before the Yuki adolescent into a small cylindrical shape initially as it is then fired unto the intended Yasu.

Koori: Raiton: Raisetsu (Lightning Release: Thundersnow)

Immediately afterwards, the hand seals for Raiton are formed and a mixing of the two natures ensue as chakra infused lightning surges throughout the ray-like projectile. This powered-up beam is fired in Yasu’s direction at an alarming rate. Fortunately for Yasu however, the embedded projectiles had either already evaporated or neared that very conclusion; granting him mobility once more.

Yasu: (In though) I can only think of one technique..

The lacerated sensor began retaliating in the form of the very technique he enacted against this attack previously.

Yasu: Futton: Akai Wakusei! (Boil Release: Red Planet)

Unbeknownst to the Yuki male, Yasu’s repeated technique had also been his highest leveled. He expels a small sphere-like body of gas with luminous hue of coral. It contained boiling hot liquid which quickly began to inflate, increasing to a capacious size. This massive circular formation is released with incredible velocity whilst Yasu extends both his arms out in order to control it. Once the two forces connect with one another, an absurd amount of steam is emitted which also produced gales. This oscillating of the potent techniques lasted for several intensive moments before the fluid enclosed orb gradually began to dominate the infamous Yuki descendant’s Kekkei Genkai technique.

Koori: (In thought) Impossible, my ice shouldn’t be resisted.

Somewhat surprised by what was occurring before his eyes, Koori then decided to abolish his technique as he hastily activates a Yuki shunshin in order to escape the oncoming massive attack. Taking this advantageous opportunity, Yasu proceeds to deactivate his Futten (Boiling Point) as to not waste any more of his already depleted chakra and also activates a Shunshin. The spherical attack collides with the Earth causing devastation to the surrounding area in the form of an extensive crater as well as a magnitude of dust. Any form of Earthly material and debris that may have projected towards Ao’s location was ricocheted by the Boil Release safeguard technique. Sensing his opponent, Yasu then successfully appears face to face, both adolescents now a safe distance away from the ruined terrain. Immediately, he thrusts his knee upwards towards Koori’s abdomen however, the Yuki male responds with his own. The raised knee clashes with the former’s as they both abruptly begin alternating, using their respective Shunshin. Although the young sensor was able to remain a step ahead due to his extraordinary sensing which eventually gave him the edge. He was able to land a kick on the wounded side of Koori’s body which he previously caught onto. This severely weakened the Yuki youth, so much so that the agonizing pain forced him to his knees and yet, extraordinarily did he never cried out in pain or express it upon his visage. The fairly exhausted sensor then drove his knee against his opponent’s chin; causing him to fling onto his back as he quickly lost consciousness.

Ao: (In thought) ...Mama… Sniff will I ever see you...aagain…sniff.

A heavily panting Yasu then deactivated the sizzling dome-like form which housed his companion. As the coral colored orb-like shield rapidly began to blur until finally vanishing, granting a troubled Ao freedom.

Ao: (In thought) ...Wwwhhatt..does thiss mean..is he okay?

Despair only continued to peak within the blue-gray haired youth as his expanded eyes examined the nightly scenery for any sign of his best friend with no luck. The young sensor stumbled toward Koori and once he stood over his body, he dropped to his knees. Now in between the passed out the Yuki male, Yasu then clutched him by the shirt, lifting his limp body up. He proceeded to place one hand over his head and the other on the chin area as he quickly snapped his neck with a stern visage. Willpower alone was what animated him at this point although his sheer exhaustion had finally claimed his body entirely as the sensor fell over beside the corpse. Although absolutely terrified for what he may discover, Ao had ventured out from the mountainous cover in order to locate Yasu. He did so quietly but also in a hurried fashion. Within a span of five minutes, best friend is spotted. Ao quickly aided in moving him out of view and back in between the two adjoining mountains.

Ao: I..I.I wish I could heal you...

Yasu: Heavy panting Just keep..pant an eye out. Pant

Ao: (Nervous tone) Rrrightt...

They rested there not even forty minutes before a presence makes an abrupt appearance. Before Yasu could even alarm his friend to it, the former is suddenly picked up and forcefully thrown out into the open by this figure who then vanishes. As Yasu struggled to stand back up, the foe reappeared at the former’s frontal and proceeded to pierce him. The blade is exited out through the upper left hand side of his back.

Ao: (Screaming) YASU!!!!!

Yasu simply wasn’t fast enough to counter the enemy and was only able to avoid the sword’s fatal trajectory due to his flaccid state. The wound having been through the upper left side of his chest by a long slender sword comprised of water-infused chakra. This heartrending action caused a shocked Ao’s eyes to enlarge.

Isao: (Raised tone) I was the one who interfered earlier. It’s too damn bad you weren’t taken out by my attack and what’s worse, everyone had a piece of you, so much so that what am I left with is, scraps!

The spectacle of their fight was what guided the instigator to their location who stood just over six feet tall. There seemed to be several battle scars etched upon his face. One large crescent-like mark which ran diagonally across his right cheek. Followed by a small somewhat slanted slash marking on his left cheek. And lastly, a couple of overlapping jagged marks; one longer than the other located on his forehead. His hair was medium length in a shaggy fashion with a hue of vermilion and eyes of a black hue. A black forehead protector was worn sideways on his head. His garments consisted of a charcoal hued sleeveless pinned striped shirt and taupe hued baggy pants. Bandages that wrapped around his waistline, light-gray hued pin striped leg-warmers, complete with slate gray hued open toe sandals.

Isao: (Raised tone) I was able to land a hit on you of all people due to the Meisaigakure no Jutsu (Hiding with Camouflage Technique) and I trained my ass off to be able to conceal my chakra signature almost perfectly! Snicker

Yasu: (In thought) Of course...

Ao began running towards the wounded sensor.

Yasu: (Raspy tone) Sstttopp!

Blood seeped out the young senor’s mouth before he closed it. Upon hearing this painful word from his best friend, Ao then fell to his knees as watery fluid flowed from his bloodshot oculars.

Isao: (Raised tone) Snicker Your death will be slow and agonizing!

Yasu having the feeling that something more severe yet would be in play; came to a resolution. Firstly, he would respond by warning his best friend.

Yasu: (Raspy tone) Rrrunn..Aao...

A grief stricken Ao hesitantly obeyed and began retreating as the wounded young male mustered the very last ounce of strength. Slamming both hands together, the latter would invoke a technique which depleted his reserves to barely empty.

Isao: (Raised tone) Shit!-

His eyes widened, realizing Yasu was activating something, perhaps something that could turn the situation around. Being is such close proximity as he was, he quickly backed away; leaving his sword still lodged within Yasu. A Suiton: Suichuu Bakuhatsu (Water Release: Underwater Explosion) is then initiated as water infused chakra proceeded to gush out his mouth and rapidly envelop his body. It then burst in all directions; causing a sizable blast which caught the Kiri leader. Their enemy fortunately received a greater brunt of the attack whilst Ao was able to move away enough to only sustain the aftermath. All three adolescents laid still upon the ground as the land’s haziness gradually returned from being blown away due to the powerful force released. Isao steadily stood back up and spat blood as he began strolling towards the sensor, who struggled not to lose consciousness. Once the former arrived, Yasu’s eyes then enlarged in surprise at what he viewed. Isao had immediately activated a Suiton: Suijun (Water Release: Water Shield) upon the explosion. In doing so, his technique was triumphant in absorbing most of the attack; leaving him with only scrapes and cuts from the impact.

Isao: (Raised tone) Is that all you’ve got left? How pathetic! I was going to take my time torturing you but my hatred has reached its limit!!

A sneer quickly formed upon the cruel Isao’s visage as he then wove one hand seal. As previously predicted by Yasu, the manipulator did in fact have something more up his sleeve in the form of water-natured chakra which had been implanted during the impaling of the sword. This implantation then activates; causing the aquatic chakra to rapidly disperse throughout his body. Liquid commenced to drip then quickly changed to streaming down his eyes, ears, nose and lips as he literally was drowning from the inside out as he lied on his back helpless. Within seconds, the light had completely disappeared from the wounded boy’s eyes. Death now forever silenced his voice which at times would scold Ao but would also act to soothe the latter in troubled times when he felt like he couldn’t cope with the unbearable life that their village offered. Ao began to heave and pant heavily as the lifeless face of his cherished friend who felt like a brother, repeatedly flashed his mind. His eyes then widened greatly as his guilty conscious quickly consumed; leaving him in a stupefied state. The menacing youth then reached for his embedded sword, proceeded to place his sandal atop the corpse as he pressed down and pulled the blade out whilst he spitefully giggled. A single Tiger Seal is then woven.

Isao: (Raised tone) Katon: Karyuudan! (Fire Release: Fire Dragon Bullet)

In an attempt to further provoke the compromised Ao, a stream of fire is exhaled onto the corpse. This act wiped the heartbroken youth’s agonizing facial expression clean as well as caused him to suddenly snap emotionally. Intense rage was then triggered which only further escalated. However immense the emotions grew, failed to divert him from what he was about to do next. The Kiri inciter then took the initiative laying out another technique.

Isao: (Raised tone) Snicker Your turn! Kirigakure no Jutsu! (Hidden Mist Technique)

As a result, the present moderate mist began to thicken. Isao quickly took to his feet, deciding to play one final game. Instinctively, Ao began awakening his own sensory abilities which had been asleep for the longest time. And with an ever increasing rage which dissipated the long lasting fear, he finally embraced all of the training he’d ever received from the academy. Within seconds, the newly awoken sensor knew exactly where his target was located and moved in to face him. Upon reaching a couple feet of each other, Isao with his arm already raised, proceeded to swing his sword diagonally. However, the sharp curved blade missed the target; instead piercing a nearby tree. The awakened sensor abruptly fades into the abounding mist, then dives into the foliage of the surrounding area as the recently cast technique complimented his camouflage.

Isao: (Shouting) What! It appeared you grew a backbone coming out to face me but then you hide?! ...That’s right, just continuing hiding and cower! Snicker

He jeered, complete with conviction in his tone as he began to remove the cemented weapon. This required a few moments as the lodged blade was driven fairly deep into the tree bark. Once the weapon was freed, he proceeded to immerse himself in and out of the mist but suddenly became entangled. Chakra enhanced wires were tripped by the unsuspecting Isao which surged his entire body; constricting and embedding themselves into his skin. Losing his balance, the increasingly compressed Isao falls to the ground as he persistently winces out of pain. A figure then silently emerges from the cloud-like aggregation just behind the restrained individual. With the flick of Ao’s wrist, the chakra coated wires animate; rising Isao back to his feet. He is also able to contract and protract these wires. This grants him areas of Isao’s body in which the former could freely slash; drawing blood via the two kunai in his possession. Screams proceed to fill the hazy area due to the tortuous treatment received. Having produced various gashes and lacerations via numerous strikes, the blood thirsty Ao then subsides as he pants a bit. At this point, the bloodied Isao struggled immensely to grasp for air. An apathetic Ao drops to his knees and with another flick of his wrist, Isao’s visage comes into view as two explosive tag attached kunai are then forcefully driven into the latter’s ocular sockets. Blood proceeds to gush out of the ocular wounds as a single hand seal initiated by the afresh sensor triggers the explosion; reducing his body to a clump of unrecognizable smithereens. Ao then stood up from his crouched position to view the aftermath as various ruby pieces of flesh and organs can be seen scattered throughout the immediate area. He had achieved vengeance and had survived the first threat of many death matches that were to follow. The blue-gray haired adolescent had always possessed a fear of fighting from a very young age and even more so what could result from it. However, the trauma sustained absolutely demolished this fragile willed youth into an adept killer from one moment to another. Thus he feared never more, on the contrary, he induced fear into his opponents from that day forth. Despite the fact that he had successfully eliminated the one who killed his precious friend, it was unable to grant him the closure he so desperately yearned for from deep within.

______________________________________________

(Years later)

A scenery of pitch dark can be seen as a hand begins to stretch out from this darkness. Soaked in blood, the arm gradually extended from below a sea of nothingness, towards a man who stood inches away in complete and utter shock. However, something compelled him to extend his own arm downwards as he then grasped the forelimb. The terrified male begins to pull upwards, his eyes widening to see a dirty and bloody stained blue cloth with a pinned blue forehead protector wrapped around the upper arm. He continued to uplift, unable to fathom why his body moved on its own, until an ensanguined young man’s head emerged from the obscurity that lied below. The bloodied individual’s shut eyes abruptly spring open, revealing them to be completely imbued in a ruby hue. Several seconds then pass in silence as the individual stared at the helpless man, whose eyes were now widened in horror. The bloody young male then unsuspectingly lunges towards him. Eyes peel open as a man jumps out his bed in a panic and began panting heavily. He was drenched in sweat and possessed a parched throat. His eyelids then dulled as he looked to the side with the cold realization of what had occurred which was the result of a nightmarish ordeal. A single teardrop is then shed as he quickly wiped it away with his right index finger.

Ao: (In thought) A tear? I can’t remember the last time I ever cried. I repressed those memories a long time ago, never allowing myself to feel that agony, never again to speak that name and yet…..Yasu…

End

__________________________


Note: Thank you to all who've read, I really appreciate the support! ;)
 
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Chakra Wizard

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Very bittersweet ending, man. Kinda hoped it might venture further into Ao's history, maybe his run-in with the Hyūga who provided his Byakugan later on, but the story as it is was short and sweet. Great work, man:)
 

Michael92

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There are some present/past grammatical problems here and there, but nothing serious. Also, I see you mixed up "passed" with "past" in one instance at the very beginning, but that's an easy mistake to make really so no worries (it's not that I don't see the reason to, but I don't think it's necessary to point out any more as they were so far between and also pretty insignificant basically. There was also an instance of a skipped word in one of the sentences apparently, but only a thorough reader would notice it I suppose.). Also at first glance, this chapter seems to be about average in size, which for some reason suits me quite well at the moment (although my inner self always would have wished for it to be longer. Hopefully you'll have something cooking in the future after this I'm sure). With that said, time for a proper read...

As I read on something got me thinking. Have you by any chance based this Ao interpretation a little on yourself? I can't help feel that his modesty throughout this series reflect yours as well, hmm...

Anyways, seems like I was right about Koori, alas it was only for a short amount of time, poor guy =p While reading this chapter I fired up some Akatsuki themes and Orochimaru's theme sure fitted Isao's savagery beat-down of Yasu! And to top it, Pain's theme among others surely made the emotional impact of the scene(s) felt. I had a feeling it would go down this way as per my post on the first chapter (I think), but somehow you still manages to surprise us in the way you go on about it. I must say, just this imagery you provided for the conclusive fight far excelled anything I've ever read within the area before (piercing Isao's sockets with two explosive kunai, pure genius =O)! I could totally picture it!! The fighting had been top notch this entire time but this chapter blew the roof out for sure. I've tried my bits on despair before, but this chapter right here kind of made my darkest writing seem comedic in comparison. Yasu's death was insane. It's was so heart-wrenching to read, the fact that he didn't even get to say a word. Somehow, it reminded me of the death I did for Ikari's sensei, Akuma, in my Series Finale. The fact that both were "set on fire" further strengthens that which is cool. Just the fact that Isao set Yasu's dead body on fire was so evil. It's also cool to note that both you and Fahad have had bodies "set on fire" these two last chapters (Itachi having to burn the body of his lover to removed any traits of proof/existence).

Another thing, I think the dialogues were pretty well written in this chapter. Couldn't notice anything that I felt was stiff or pale. Seems like you've somehow improved here already in my eyes.

Overall one of your best if not the best chapters you've written. I don't know if I've ever given this high of a grade before, but for me, this is a 9.5/10 any day =D Get the final missing pieces of grammar in place and you're a 10 for sure.

The insanity of this chapter made me inspired to write. I must say, I can't honestly remember the last time I was (this) inspired to write by reading anyone elses' work, but I sure am now! Reading Nikkou's story back in the days comes to mind for some reason, and that is ages ago, mhm... These 3 chapters are definitely top contenders if you decide to join the contest this month, no kidding. Anyways, I think that's about what I have to say, so hope you enjoyed reading this review, haha ;)

Very bittersweet ending, man. Kinda hoped it might venture further into Ao's history, maybe his run-in with the Hyūga who provided his Byakugan later on, but the story as it is was short and sweet. Great work, man:)
I need to learn to write reviews like this -__- XD
 
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Kuroi Honoo

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Very bittersweet ending, man. Kinda hoped it might venture further into Ao's history, maybe his run-in with the Hyūga who provided his Byakugan later on, but the story as it is was short and sweet. Great work, man:)
Yeah, that is exactly how I wanted this ending to be lol Actually, I had planned a second and third mini arc like this one featuring Ao with some chapters written out already but I’m unsure if I’ll go through with it.

Thanks for the feedback and for reading my story completely. And it appears that since taking your advice, this chapter did not suffer like its predecessor ^^ Thank you again ;)
 

Michael92

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Well, that just means I have less time on my hands is all. XD

And it was the last chapter, so why bother pointing out the grammatical stuff, anyways, y'know? lol
Well that wasn't what took up my review at all, although that part alone was bigger than yours xd And I know, I have bad time all the time but I can't write short reviews, kind of like how I can't write short chapters y'know, bah! xd

Yeah, that is exactly how I wanted this ending to be lol Actually, I had planned a second and third mini arc like this one featuring Ao with some chapters written out already but I’m unsure if I’ll go through with it.

Thanks for the feedback and for reading my story completely. And it appears that since taking your advice, this chapter did not suffer like its predecessor ^^ Thank you again ;)
So it was as I suspected then. Well, whatever you decide for, let us know ;)
 

Kuroi Honoo

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There are some present/past grammatical problems here and there, but nothing serious. Also, I see you mixed up "passed" with "past" in one instance at the very beginning, but that's an easy mistake to make really so no worries (it's not that I don't see the reason to, but I don't think it's necessary to point out any more as they were so far between and also pretty insignificant basically. There was also an instance of a skipped word in one of the sentences apparently, but only a thorough reader would notice it I suppose.). Also at first glance, this chapter seems to be about average in size, which for some reason suits me quite well at the moment (although my inner self always would have wished for it to be longer. Hopefully you'll have something cooking in the future after this I'm sure). With that said, time for a proper read...

As I read on something got me thinking. Have you by any chance based this Ao interpretation a little on yourself? I can't help feel that his modesty throughout this series reflect yours as well, hmm...

Anyways, seems like I was right about Koori, alas it was only for a short amount of time, poor guy =p While reading this chapter I fired up some Akatsuki themes and Orochimaru's theme sure fitted Isao's savagery beat-down of Yasu! And to top it, Pain's theme among others surely made the emotional impact of the scene(s) felt. I had a feeling it would go down this way as per my post on the first chapter (I think), but somehow you still manages to surprise us in the way you go on about it. I must say, just this imagery you provided for the conclusive fight far excelled anything I've ever read within the area before (piercing Isao's sockets with two explosive kunai, pure genius =O)! I could totally picture it!! The fighting had been top notch this entire time but this chapter blew the roof out for sure. I've tried my bits on despair before, but this chapter right here kind of made my darkest writing seem comedic in comparison. Yasu's death was insane. It's was so heart-wrenching to read, the fact that he didn't even get to say a word. Somehow, it reminded me of the death I did for Ikari's sensei, Akuma, in my Series Finale. The fact that both were "set on fire" further strengthens that which is cool. Just the fact that Isao set Yasu's dead body on fire was so evil. It's also cool to note that both you and Fahad have had bodies "set on fire" these two last chapters (Itachi having to burn the body of his lover to removed any traits of proof/existence).

Another thing, I think the dialogues were pretty well written in this chapter. Couldn't notice anything that I felt was stiff or pale. Seems like you've somehow improved here already in my eyes.

Overall one of your best if not the best chapters you've written. I don't know if I've ever given this high of a grade before, but for me, this is a 9.5/10 any day =D Get the final missing pieces of grammar in place and you're a 10 for sure.

The insanity of this chapter made me inspired to write. I must say, I can't honestly remember the last time I was (this) inspired to write by reading anyone elses' work, but I sure am now! Reading Nikkou's story back in the days comes to mind for some reason, and that is ages ago, mhm... These 3 chapters are definitely top contenders if you decide to join the contest this month, no kidding. Anyways, I think that's about what I have to say, so hope you enjoyed reading this review, haha ;)
I’m really very disappointed to hear this as I really tried my best. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that any errors be pointed out but it doesn’t hurt any less lol Thanks for the “past” error as I corrected it. Yeah that’s me, I just like to have chapters that aren’t too big or too small.

LOL I don’t believe so, I think I just wanted to showcase a different side of Ao that nobody would’ve thought of but thanks, I suppose his timidness does reflect me lol

It’s funny that you feel for the Haku-like character as I simply deemed him evil XD It’s cool to hear that you played some Naruto music to go along with my story! =D Yeah, I didn’t want to spoil but your prediction was pretty spot on lol I suppose in the way I wrote this story out from the beginning, Yasu’s death and how it would ultimately change Ao was fairly obvious no matter what I did lol Although, I failed with my grammar, I’m pleased that I brought it with the action scenes ^^ Thank you, your compliment really puts a smile on my face ;) I don’t think I ever really thought about whether I wanted Yasu to be able to say even one word before his death, it all just came to be that way. Wow, I suppose fiery death scenes is a favorite amongst us three XD

Glad to hear that the dialogue was good because I know I struggled with that probably the most lol

Thank you so much for reading, leaving feedback and that wonderful rating! =D ;)

It’s really something to hear that this chapter lit an even brighter flame for you to write ^^ Yeah, I will most likely enter September with these 3 chapters :)

I did in fact enjoy reading your review very much, thanks again bro ;)

So it was as I suspected then. Well, whatever you decide for, let us know ;)
LOL yeah but even so I'd have to do so much surgery to those chapters as this 3-part story sort of changes things for the other stories.

We'll see :)
 

Michael92

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I’m really very disappointed to hear this as I really tried my best. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that any errors be pointed out but it doesn’t hurt any less lol Thanks for the “past” error as I corrected it. Yeah that’s me, I just like to have chapters that aren’t too big or too small.

LOL I don’t believe so, I think I just wanted to showcase a different side of Ao that nobody would’ve thought of but thanks, I suppose his timidness does reflect me lol

It’s funny that you feel for the Haku-like character as I simply deemed him evil XD It’s cool to hear that you played some Naruto music to go along with my story! =D Yeah, I didn’t want to spoil but your prediction was pretty spot on lol I suppose in the way I wrote this story out from the beginning, Yasu’s death and how it would ultimately change Ao was fairly obvious no matter what I did lol Although, I failed with my grammar, I’m pleased that I brought it with the action scenes ^^ Thank you, your compliment really puts a smile on my face ;) I don’t think I ever really thought about whether I wanted Yasu to be able to say even one word before his death, it all just came to be that way. Wow, I suppose fiery death scenes is a favorite amongst us three XD

Glad to hear that the dialogue was good because I know I struggled with that probably the most lol

Thank you so much for reading, leaving feedback and that wonderful rating! =D ;)

It’s really something to hear that this chapter lit an even brighter flame for you to write ^^ Yeah, I will most likely enter September with these 3 chapters :)

I did in fact enjoy reading your review very much, thanks again bro ;)



LOL yeah but even so I'd have to do so much surgery to those chapters as this 3-part story sort of changes things for the other stories.

We'll see :)
Don't be that disappointed in me :T_T: xd

For some reason it felt like this story truly was reflecting the story of your life than Ao's, and that you wanted to make a stand someplace and kick some ass. I could totally picture it, haha, without trying to be funny or anything.

I understand and I agree =p This was your best written piece in my opinion after all. And totally xd Even in my Sage of Six Paths story, I have the tendency to turn people to ashes xd

Good to know and sure ^^ I practically finished up my latest chapter shortly after reading yours, whether that was intentional or not, it did the trick. Also, I kind of told Fahad that it would be hard to not vote for you with these 3 entries if you decide to enter this month xP Hopefully he'll deliver one heck of a 12th chapter to spice things up.

I see. Well regardless I know you can pull it off if you put your mind to it ;)
 

FaHaD 5212

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Well, since Mic was kind enough to do the grammar check, I'll hold myself back... Not that I found any mistakes... xd

So a great way to end the side-ark... and what is it with our shared like for burning bodies? I mean I had Itachi burn Kujou in my story...

Anyway, I liked the battle scenes and the pseudo torture at the end...along with Ao's flashback, that gave me an idea for the collaboration.

So yeah, the dialogue was fluid and this was WAY better than the last. If I want to beat this, I'll have to up my game a bit...Chapter 12 will introduce a new place (predetermined) and is bound to have a scene which I was considering not to put in...

Regardless of my ramblings, nice chapter and I hope you can make the other side-arcs as well ;)
 

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Don't be that disappointed in me :T_T: xd

For some reason it felt like this story truly was reflecting the story of your life than Ao's, and that you wanted to make a stand someplace and kick some ass. I could totally picture it, haha, without trying to be funny or anything.

I understand and I agree =p This was your best written piece in my opinion after all. And totally xd Even in my Sage of Six Paths story, I have the tendency to turn people to ashes xd

Good to know and sure ^^ I practically finished up my latest chapter shortly after reading yours, whether that was intentional or not, it did the trick. Also, I kind of told Fahad that it would be hard to not vote for you with these 3 entries if you decide to enter this month xP Hopefully he'll deliver one heck of a 12th chapter to spice things up.

I see. Well regardless I know you can pull it off if you put your mind to it ;)
No no, I’m greatly disappointed in myself.

Wow, I truly didn’t do this story in my image but I can definitely see what you mean and how it can be seen as such lol

Glad to hear and yeah, I mean I wouldn’t want a vote from anyone just because I haven't been in the scene for awhile so if there's anyone who produces something better than me (of course there is) in your opinion, then please do vote for them ^^

Thanks for believing in me, I’ll see what happens =D

Well, since Mic was kind enough to do the grammar check, I'll hold myself back... Not that I found any mistakes... xd

So a great way to end the side-ark... and what is it with our shared like for burning bodies? I mean I had Itachi burn Kujou in my story...

Anyway, I liked the battle scenes and the pseudo torture at the end...along with Ao's flashback, that gave me an idea for the collaboration.

So yeah, the dialogue was fluid and this was WAY better than the last. If I want to beat this, I'll have to up my game a bit...Chapter 12 will introduce a new place (predetermined) and is bound to have a scene which I was considering not to put in...

Regardless of my ramblings, nice chapter and I hope you can make the other side-arcs as well ;)
LOL :p

Right, I was telling Mikey the same thing lol The three of us have a knack for using fire as a fatal weapon XD

Thanks, I’m happy that you liked my battle scenes as they’re always my favorite parts of my story and that they seem to have pleased! I also look forward to you sharing your idea for our collabfic ;)

Thanks again, I was most worried about the dialogue actually and you have helped to reassure me on this =D

Well don’t worry, your work is really great and I enjoy it! ;) Thanks once again and we’ll see about that sequel ^^
 

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Right, I was telling Mikey the same thing lol The three of us have a knack for using fire as a fatal weapon XD

Thanks, I’m happy that you liked my battle scenes as they’re always my favorite parts of my story and that they seem to have pleased! I also look forward to you sharing your idea for our collabfic ;)

Thanks again, I was most worried about the dialogue actually and you have helped to reassure me on this =D

Well don’t worry, your work is really great and I enjoy it! ;) Thanks once again and we’ll see about that sequel ^^
Fire Shiny. Fire Warm. Fire Burns. Fire Good...

They sure have, you should pride yourself over the accomplishment (not pride really but be prou-...You know what, never mind xd).

I'm still attempting to make my dialogues more fluid, tell me what you think of them in my next chapter.

Thanks :) I'm sure you'll make it work out wonderfully ;)
 
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Michael92

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No no, I’m greatly disappointed in myself.

Wow, I truly didn’t do this story in my image but I can definitely see what you mean and how it can be seen as such lol

Glad to hear and yeah, I mean I wouldn’t want a vote from anyone just because I haven't been in the scene for awhile so if there's anyone who produces something better than me (of course there is) in your opinion, then please do vote for them ^^

Thanks for believing in me, I’ll see what happens =D
Why? xd

Haha, indeed xP

Like I said, it will be hard to decide xO

Let me know about that and the collaboration. If we can get this group chat on FB work, we can totally discuss ideas and progression in all "departments" ;)
 

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Good job. The writing has improved with every chapter. I wish there was going to be more chapters though, I too would like to hear some more about Ao.
 

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Fire Shiny. Fire Warm. Fire Burns. Fire Good...

They sure have, you should pride yourself over the accomplishment (not pride really but be prou-...You know what, never mind xd).

I'm still attempting to make my dialogues more fluid, tell me what you think of them in my next chapter.

Thanks :) I'm sure you'll make it work out wonderfully ;)
Thank you for saying that! ^_^

I’ll be sure to :) And you’re welcome ;)

Why? xd

Haha, indeed xP

Like I said, it will be hard to decide xO

Let me know about that and the collaboration. If we can get this group chat on FB work, we can totally discuss ideas and progression in all "departments" ;)
I feel this way because I know no matter how much practice, I will never be able to really excel due to my lack of education but I’m already over it. I was able to realize that even though this is a fact, it shouldn’t stop me from doing what I like :)

I’ve more or less wrote my version of how chapter 1 should be for the collabfic and I’m just in the editing process before sending it to FaHaD ^^

Yeah about FB, was there a group chat already made? You’ve most likely seen that I’ve been logged in to FB at times but it’s really more that these many petitions I sign require me to log on to share, etc. but I’m not really on the website browsing or anything like that. So whenever you’re ready, just let me know and I’ll try to actually be more active on there ;)

Good job. The writing has improved with every chapter. I wish there was going to be more chapters though, I too would like to hear some more about Ao.
Thank you! ^^

I’m really glad to hear that as I’ve been very hard on myself about that =D

Yeah, I was intending to release more but I’m not completely sure if that’ll happen. At the moment though me and FaHaD are doing a collaboration fanfic and so that is taking most of my time but perhaps I’ll turn my focus on Ao once more ^^

Thank you very much again for reading and posting your feedback! ;)
 

Michael92

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I feel this way because I know no matter how much practice, I will never be able to really excel due to my lack of education but I’m already over it. I was able to realize that even though this is a fact, it shouldn’t stop me from doing what I like :)

I’ve more or less wrote my version of how chapter 1 should be for the collabfic and I’m just in the editing process before sending it to FaHaD ^^

Yeah about FB, was there a group chat already made? You’ve most likely seen that I’ve been logged in to FB at times but it’s really more that these many petitions I sign require me to log on to share, etc. but I’m not really on the website browsing or anything like that. So whenever you’re ready, just let me know and I’ll try to actually be more active on there ;)
I don't think you should be too hard on yourself regarding that. Writing makes perfect and all the practice I've had for the last 5 years comes from writing and simply paying more attention to the English Language as a whole ;)

Cool. I suppose we can get the latest news regarding that collaboration in the chat from now on xP ;) Like I mentioned there, I'm also going to make a group so things will be much easier.

Just think of it like you did with MSN. Just log in when you log on to NB to see if the chat is going/if we are online ;) Also, you already know the answer to your question by now I suppose xD
 

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I don't think you should be too hard on yourself regarding that. Writing makes perfect and all the practice I've had for the last 5 years comes from writing and simply paying more attention to the English Language as a whole ;)

Cool. I suppose we can get the latest news regarding that collaboration in the chat from now on xP ;) Like I mentioned there, I'm also going to make a group so things will be much easier.

Just think of it like you did with MSN. Just log in when you log on to NB to see if the chat is going/if we are online ;) Also, you already know the answer to your question by now I suppose xD
Thanks, I'm definitely just going to try my best from now on ^^

Thanks again, I'll think of it just like that and that does help lol

Finally got around to reading it nice ending :) cant wait for more ffs from you :)
Thank you so much for reading my FFs and for the compliment! ;) I will try to get back into writing as soon as possible ^^
 

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Thanks, I'm definitely just going to try my best from now on ^^

Thanks again, I'll think of it just like that and that does help lol


Thank you so much for reading my FFs and for the compliment! ;) I will try to get back into writing as soon as possible ^^

dont be so hard on yourself you are good :) any way looking forward to your colabfic with fad link me when its out :)
 

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dont be so hard on yourself you are good :) any way looking forward to your colabfic with fad link me when its out :)
Thank you so much for your kind words Serena or should I say Sophie now. I really had no idea that this was you lol
I found out from checking out the contest of the month thread and was surprised XD Awesome new avatar and name change! =D

I really appreciate it and will do! ;)
 

Sophie Ezra

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Thank you so much for your kind words Serena or should I say Sophie now. I really had no idea that this was you lol
I found out from checking out the contest of the month thread and was surprised XD Awesome new avatar and name change! =D

I really appreciate it and will do! ;)

you got me :)

No worries :) i really do enjoy your ffs :)
 
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