ThatOfLegend
Leaf Village Regular 🍃
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- Jun 3, 2013
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Alright, so as an assignment I was supposed to write a summary of a story for school that included myself and people I know in actuality. I did it and a couple of friends (including the ones I put in the summary) thought that I should actually write the story. So I've begun and I just want an unbiased opinion, thanks for the help 
(it's about two pages long)
Z-A70E VIRUS
Where mankind is the endangered species
The first to fall were the weak, as applies to all similar scenarios. It was just bad luck to be one of the first. Being more specific, the VERY first was a child in a hospital in California who had just been stabilized after going through weeks of Kim o-therapy. The second was a woman in Austin, Texas, she had been checking the mail when she suddenly collapsed. The third was a pilot, falling unconscious mid-flight and crashing into Atlanta, Georgia. Needless to say these three places, all spread around the southern boarder of the United States, were the first to fall, the unlucky people in the areas were all subject to three people's carelessness.
*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *Yawn* "I guess this is it, the first day of the rest of my life" I said to myself as I got on my feet "I can't wait till it's finally over, 'cause 5:00am is brutal". Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself, my name is Camron. I'm a senior in high school and today happens to be my last day. For now that's all that's important, moving on.
I opened my bedroom door slowly, in an attempt to be quiet, but the door creaked, slowly at first but getting gradually louder. I made my way into the bathroom, turning on the shower as I walked in. Steam quickly filled the small room as I began to start my morning routine. I always shave first, seeing as the mirror gets covered in water rather quickly. Next I brush my teeth, and by the time I'm done the shower is ready.
I walk into my room, dripping wet with a towel around my waist, I decide that since it's the last day I may as well wear something half decent. I put on some semi-tight black pants, a static patterned white and black shirt, a black and white striped beanie, and white soled black Vans. I look in the mirror; I'm a slender 17 year-old guy, about six-foot two with long, strait red hair. Scrawny and pale, with dark brown, almost black eyes. "I've only got one exam, hopefully today will go by quickly" I say to myself as I walk to the front door, I unhook the keys to my brothers car and shout to my younger siblings to get out of bed.
I unlock the car as I step in, strapping the nylon belt around my chest and sticking the keys into the ignition, starting up the car slowly, the engine makes a loud revving sound that drifts into a soft murmur. I pull out of the driveway, making my way down the quiet Georgia street. "What's up with all the accidents today, I get that it's the last day but jeez, this is ridiculous" I exclaim to myself as I look around.
I pull out on to the highway, which is surprisingly desolate. The only other driver on the road is directly in front of me, we're cruising at about 55mph. Then, without warning, the other driver slams on their brakes, not wanting to become one of the many accidents littered around the road I do the same. There is a loud* SCREECH* and I get out of the vehicle, getting ready to insult the bad driving of the other person, until I realize something. "Did you just hit that girl?!" I ask, astonished and slightly outraged. "NO! I mean, of course not, I...I just saw her all of a sudden and stopped, I swear!" replied the older man, I was skeptical believing him at first, but I upon closer inspection, it didn't appear that there could have possibly been a collision. His car was completely unscathed and the bloodied up girl didn't look, well, broken. It appeared as if her wounds were caused from something attacking her, she had bite wounds all down her neck and arms. It was a real shame seeing this happen to such a young girl.
"I believe you, here, I'll call the police" I assure the man. I dial the number, listening to the ringing as I watch this very serious looking man break down, clearly on the verge of crying. "Hello, this is 9-1-1 what is your emergency?" a serious female voice asks "Hey, I'm on Highway 138 and there is a young girl unconscious and injured on the road" I reply, getting a bit panicked "If it makes a difference she looks about five or six, her clothes are battered, torn, and soaked in blood" "We'll be there shortly, stay on site until we arrive" she orders "Yes ma'am" I reply obediently.
If you could, then judge the writing style and (even though there isn't much yet) the story development. Once again, thanks for reading!
(it's about two pages long)Z-A70E VIRUS
Where mankind is the endangered species
The first to fall were the weak, as applies to all similar scenarios. It was just bad luck to be one of the first. Being more specific, the VERY first was a child in a hospital in California who had just been stabilized after going through weeks of Kim o-therapy. The second was a woman in Austin, Texas, she had been checking the mail when she suddenly collapsed. The third was a pilot, falling unconscious mid-flight and crashing into Atlanta, Georgia. Needless to say these three places, all spread around the southern boarder of the United States, were the first to fall, the unlucky people in the areas were all subject to three people's carelessness.
*BEEP BEEP BEEP* *Yawn* "I guess this is it, the first day of the rest of my life" I said to myself as I got on my feet "I can't wait till it's finally over, 'cause 5:00am is brutal". Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself, my name is Camron. I'm a senior in high school and today happens to be my last day. For now that's all that's important, moving on.
I opened my bedroom door slowly, in an attempt to be quiet, but the door creaked, slowly at first but getting gradually louder. I made my way into the bathroom, turning on the shower as I walked in. Steam quickly filled the small room as I began to start my morning routine. I always shave first, seeing as the mirror gets covered in water rather quickly. Next I brush my teeth, and by the time I'm done the shower is ready.
I walk into my room, dripping wet with a towel around my waist, I decide that since it's the last day I may as well wear something half decent. I put on some semi-tight black pants, a static patterned white and black shirt, a black and white striped beanie, and white soled black Vans. I look in the mirror; I'm a slender 17 year-old guy, about six-foot two with long, strait red hair. Scrawny and pale, with dark brown, almost black eyes. "I've only got one exam, hopefully today will go by quickly" I say to myself as I walk to the front door, I unhook the keys to my brothers car and shout to my younger siblings to get out of bed.
I unlock the car as I step in, strapping the nylon belt around my chest and sticking the keys into the ignition, starting up the car slowly, the engine makes a loud revving sound that drifts into a soft murmur. I pull out of the driveway, making my way down the quiet Georgia street. "What's up with all the accidents today, I get that it's the last day but jeez, this is ridiculous" I exclaim to myself as I look around.
I pull out on to the highway, which is surprisingly desolate. The only other driver on the road is directly in front of me, we're cruising at about 55mph. Then, without warning, the other driver slams on their brakes, not wanting to become one of the many accidents littered around the road I do the same. There is a loud* SCREECH* and I get out of the vehicle, getting ready to insult the bad driving of the other person, until I realize something. "Did you just hit that girl?!" I ask, astonished and slightly outraged. "NO! I mean, of course not, I...I just saw her all of a sudden and stopped, I swear!" replied the older man, I was skeptical believing him at first, but I upon closer inspection, it didn't appear that there could have possibly been a collision. His car was completely unscathed and the bloodied up girl didn't look, well, broken. It appeared as if her wounds were caused from something attacking her, she had bite wounds all down her neck and arms. It was a real shame seeing this happen to such a young girl.
"I believe you, here, I'll call the police" I assure the man. I dial the number, listening to the ringing as I watch this very serious looking man break down, clearly on the verge of crying. "Hello, this is 9-1-1 what is your emergency?" a serious female voice asks "Hey, I'm on Highway 138 and there is a young girl unconscious and injured on the road" I reply, getting a bit panicked "If it makes a difference she looks about five or six, her clothes are battered, torn, and soaked in blood" "We'll be there shortly, stay on site until we arrive" she orders "Yes ma'am" I reply obediently.
If you could, then judge the writing style and (even though there isn't much yet) the story development. Once again, thanks for reading!
