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Hey kid! Yeah, you. You wanna be Pirate King? Well, I can help you with that! That’s easy! If you do everything I tell you in this guide, even you have the chance to become Pirate King! First thing you gotta do is prove your worth! Hmmm...Oh!
Stab yourself.
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Good job! Now you have a cool scar. Tough guys have cool scars. Anyway, if you want to survive out there in the rough seas, you’ll need some crazy cool powers. Looks like you’ll need to consume the mythical item known as the Gum Gum Fruit.
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Yeah, close enough.
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Now that you’ve lost your ability to swim (probably should’ve mentioned that before I made you eat the fruit) you need to take it out on the world as it is clearly against you. Here's an idea! Why not almost kill yourself in your town’s local ocean and be rescued by your hero at the cost of his arm which will almost undoubtedly be of hindrance to him in his battle with the final antagonist for plot reasons?
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Aw nice, you got a free hat. Things are looking up for you already!
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Alright, enough messin’ around, kid. It’s time to assemble your awesome crew if you’re ever going to beat One-Arm over there. Let’s see, you’ll need:
A Bounty Hunter
A Cat Burglar
A Habitual Liar
A Chef
A Doctor
A Gothic Chick
A Franky
And A Musician
You know what? Why don’t you throw Gary Coleman in there for good measure, he likes to travel.
(Look at his tiny arms)
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A Cat Burglar
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A Habitual Liar
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A Chef
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A Doctor
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A Gothic Chick
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A Franky
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And A Musician
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You know what? Why don’t you throw Gary Coleman in there for good measure, he likes to travel.
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(Look at his tiny arms)
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That’s a pretty good looking crew you’ve got there. I mean, there’s sure to be some ****teases
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and
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, but these are your true friends. And you even have room to spare to allow for fanboys to assume that any living thing that has breath in its lungs will join you the minute they are introduced in an arc. But nah, these guys are cool. Now that you’ve got your Nakama and your kewl sheep ship, you can sail to your heart’s content!---
A word of advice, champ: While the sea may seem dangerous by itself, you’ll have to face many trials and tribulations. Danger lurks everywhere waiting for the right moment to strike at you. You’ll have to face adversity in the form of things like:
A Clown
A Cat Person Thing Guy
An Angry Fish
A Crocodile
Eminem
Susan Lucci
(I know she ate the Leopard Model of the Neko Neko no Mi, but she looks like a Cougar if you Neko Neko ASK me.)
And The Mayor Of Halloween Town
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A Cat Person Thing Guy
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An Angry Fish
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A Crocodile
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Eminem
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Susan Lucci
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(I know she ate the Leopard Model of the Neko Neko no Mi, but she looks like a Cougar if you Neko Neko ASK me.)
And The Mayor Of Halloween Town
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After all of that duelin' and sendin' to the Shadow Realm, it’s time to get your new ship coated. (This one has a lion’s head kinda!) So why don’t you stop at this amazing thing called an Archipelago which which I just found out is any island group or, sometimes, to a sea containing a large number of scattered islands. Sounds pretty fancy, huh? Well, you don’t have time to take in its beauty and splendor, ‘cause you’re going to meet a bunch of crazier (and cooler) pirates than you’ll ever be and an old man who is the former first mate of the man who you may or may not be the reincarnation of. He holds within him the knowledge of One Piece’s location and can tell you how to get there! And also some stuff Gothic Chick is curious about regarding unicorns of something. You’re dream of becoming Pirate King is right in front of you! All you have to do is ask...Nah, back to work, old timer! That ship isn’t gonna coat itself, right?
O noez! The aristocrats that reside on this luxurious Archipelago are selling your friends off to work as slaves! That’s not very nice. They probably could’ve done without shooting Hatchan, as well…Someone has to stand up to these jerks. You know what you should do? You should sit down with them and discuss this matter face to face when you both can find the time. Or if all else fails, you could always write a strongly-worded letter to your local Congressman.
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Or…y’know, you could just…punch him. I guess that’s an effective method and stuff.
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Nice going , genius! Now Groovy 70’s Admiral is going to come down here and totally **** up this affluent and majestic Archipelago. And also probably try to arrest/kill you and your crew and other pirates and anyone else who stands in his way. GREAT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. AND THIS IS SO NOT RAVEN.
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Now, right as you and your friends are about to die, Winnie The Pooh will come out of nowhere and pull an “Oh The Places You’ll Go” on all of you. At this moment, you have three options:
1. Ask to go to Universal Studios so you can finally visit The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter like you’ve always wanted to.
2. Go on a journey to collect the Dragon Balls and wish to reunite with your crew (Or for panties. Can never go wrong with that wish.)
3. Tell your crew to meet up with you in 3 days even though the places you’re going to go to most likely have scarce-to-no resources that could actually build you a ship capable of travelling to that pristine Archipelago complete with 79 separate mangroves..
Okay, yeah, go with the third option. Cause you could totally ride Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey anytime you wanted to…ya little ****. Look, if you didn’t want to take my advice, why’d you even get this stupid guide?!
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While you’re on the land of sexy women (which doesn't matter to you since you're basically ASEXUAL), you’re probably going to find out about your brother’s capture and impending execution. It’s all a part of another Guide to Becoming Pirate King that I made for someone else; don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll save him, though. If you want to save him, you’ll have to go to jail and rescue him. In jail, you’ll reunite with a bunch of old enemies and meet some
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with whom you’re not totally sure whether they’re making a pass at you or not. Can’t be any worse than the land of sexy women, at the very least. You also came close to dying during your last battle, it’s time to pump yourself up with lifespan-shortening
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See? You're looking better already! A word of warning: Despite fighting your way towards rescuing your brother, it’s extremely likely that you’ll find out that he’s not there, and his execution is getting closer. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll save him.---
Now that you've evaded the warden and are escaping the maximum security prison, you’ll have to make your way towards the Marine HQ, where there is a battle going on between the Marines and the Hogan’s Heroes, lead by none other than the immaculate Hulk Hogan. At the epicenter of all of the commotion is your brother, who is revealed to be the son of the former Pirate King! A complete shocker, right?! Of course it isn’t, because you knew that all along, you just choose not to tell me important stuff like this. I mean, seriously, what the hell, man?! What happened to our trust...Anyway, you’ll need to use your crazy gum powers and take an extra dosage of steroids power hormones for this; because if you want to save him, you’ll have to go through smokers, cages, giants, Vice-Admirals, Admirals, Sakura Coby, Shichibukai, and a heavy-handed Buddha punch. It’s fine, though, I’m almost like 99.9% that you’ll save him.
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Wow. You actually saved him.
I mean, great job! Just as planned!
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Now that you he’s free, you two can hand out butt-whoopin’ after butt-whoopin’ together! Fight the admirals! Fight the Shichibukai! Combo attacks! You’re untouchable on the battlefield, and all you have do to is get him out of here alive, and I'd say it’s a pretty successful miss—
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Ouch, that looks like it hurt. YOU'RE OKAY, MAN, WALK IT OFF. Well, actually, you could just pull him off of that there lava fist and you two can g—
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Wait, he’s dead? Like, forreal dead? Aw ****. There goes like half of my guide…I worked really hard on the scenario of you rescuing him, you know!
Hey kid, you alright?
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Uhhh, kid? Wake up. WAKE UP. RAPE! FIRE! (Aw, too soon?) ENDLESS SUPPLIES OF MEAT!
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Oh golly, this same thing happened to me the other day when I went to McDonald’s and they got my order completely wrong and the worst thing was they told me that they didn’t have any McNuggets. It’s okay, though, I was actually at a Subway by mistake.
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Hey, look! It’s Gimpy! He’s going to end the war! Kid, look! Remember Gimpy? He’s here! Kid! KID! Ki—Eh, I’ll tell you when you’re not so moody.
Fission Mailed.
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So now that your brother was brutally murdered in front of you and you’re isolated from all of the ones you hold near and dear to your heart, you have to suck it up and continue on in your quest to become Pirate King. And I’ve got the perfect solution. How about we participate in what I like to call “psychological therapy”. Today’s session is called “Tough Love”. It’s a fun little game where you continue to sulk and act out like an angst-riddle teen while my big blue shark friend helps me smack the **** out of you.
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Take the hint from Tyrone here. It’s much easier on both of us if you just come to your senses.
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Seeing as how you’re nowhere near ready to make it to the New World, the goal to become Pirate King is even FARTHER away than I’d hoped it’d be by now. By the way, I don’t think you’re gonna meet up with your crew in three days, either. Maybe you should revise that.
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Two years? Sure. Y’know, I would’ve said a couple of weeks, maybe even a month or two. But you obviously know what you’re doing. Let the mentally unstable trampoline call the shots at the moment, right?
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Actually, wait. You could do a lot in two years. If you go through the right training, maybe you could progress to a level where no one in the fandom is really sure just how strong you are. You could even have cool new powers like allowing your arm to spontaneously combust underwater somehow. That’s it, you and your crew are going under rigorous training for the next two years. Maybe then you could surpass Mighty Emperor Ginger (pffft, yeah right), maybe then you could notice how hot your female crewmates are, maybe then you could return to see the fancy and off-the-chain Archipelago I've been investing in, maybe then Gary Coleman could inform you on what Willis really was talking about. But most importantly, maybe then I could finish this guide on helping you become Pirate King. Until then..
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See ya around, Straw Hat.
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